all better now

back from The Jog and feeling so much better. lighter all the way around. the wild horseradish and roses are flowering and good ol' california poppies everywhere and the rain clouds shoved off without letting go a single drop and we pounded and bounced our way through the warm vineyard, bright green hills all the way around us, and the lovely fragrance of "burn day" floating down from the top.

i finished one of the iceberg drawings, work i want to keep secret for a bit, at least in terms of what it actually looks like. sometimes when i let work out in to the world too soon, a false feeling of finality finds me and it becomes strangely hard to keep working with the image. but i won't keep their faces hidden forever. just a couple weeks. maybe a couple months. i just want to have a more personal and deep experience with them for awhile first. something private where risk becomes an available thing. a necessity even. but right now all i can really think about is LUNCH. i want a big plate of taquitos and beans. i just might have to take off early from work today. :)

grrrr

i've been working on drawings of icebergs all morning and will leave soon to go obey The Almighty Jog before it starts raining and before i slide too far in to a state of agitation. The Jog is just as much about mind maintenance as body maintenance... maybe more so. all that pounding of my heart and hard breathing usher in such an enthusiastic (and relieving) clarity. and lately i've found myself feeling quietly annoyed and more than a bit irritated. mostly with things outside of my control, but also because i've been feeling a very strong pull to make a more concrete plan for my life. actual paths toward my goals and aspirations and it's hard to know where to start. it always comes back to the work, to working everyday and seeing where i end up, what i've done, what i'd like to do, etc, etc, etc. it's just that sometimes the daily grind starts feeling like non-movement. my impatience begins to rear its stupid, meddlesome head and i notice i'm a bit punchy, a bit on edge, a bit fragile in the feelings department. The Almighty Jog alleviates a lot of this and gets me back to a healthier state of mind where i realize (and accept) that deep changes take time, and that big accomplishments are really just a series of small accomplishments all piled up. the daily grind is important. or rather, it's important to make sure that grind is healthy and true to who you are, true to who you're trying to become. effing growing pains.

breathe hard...

already with my black oil this morning. already. :)
and tons of scribbling in my notebook too.

but The Jog awaits and i can't let up when it comes to that. 5 months in and 2 inches disappeared from my waistline, not to mention the wonderful wide-open calm that rolls in after breathing hard and stomping and sweating my way through the big ol' morning vineyard.

there are NO TRESPASSING signs up now but the owner said they don't apply to me so i am thankful for those signs. no bad-mood tourists to ruin my day at the start. no grimaces and judgement. tourists are full of grimaces and judgement. at least the ones who make their way out here. they are covered in sneers. i have no clue what that's about but it's true. it makes no sense. i'm glad they've been barred. the air and space is mine and the signs ensure i don't have to share it.

i'm beginning to feel pretty again. it's been awhile since i felt that way and it's nice. i've missed my angles. i'm happy to see them returning. i've got the same insecurities most women have and, yeah i know it's all unreasonable and blah blah blah, but i'm finally starting to feel strong again... and that's the thing i've missed most.

before i slipped that disk in my back (twice!), i felt strong and capable and i knew i was able to defend myself if i had to. for the past 2 years, i haven't felt that way at all. i couldn't defend myself one bit. now, 5 months in and 2 inches lost and all sorts of leg muscles later, i've at least got a fighting chance. i can at least out-run someone. and just knowing that i can if i had to makes me feel better, more capable, more independent, a bit less fearful, a bit less worrisome, and a lot more pretty. it's a good feeling and a good reason to keep it up.

and my little girl dog loves it too. she bounces along at my side and smiles at the world and on days when i don't want to do it for myself i do it for her. her happiness and health is way more important to me than my own and i don't let myself off the hook when it comes to that. it's my job to love her and give her the things she needs. it's my job to make sure she is healthy and happy and has space to play in. she likes the smells and the birds and the shade of the tall vines. she is always so excited, full of endless happiness when we head out to the vineyard. i aspire to be more like her in that regard- every day is the best day ever to her... and i want to feel that way too. The Jog can (and does) supply that.

once again, it's a morning thing. part of my wake-up.
why wait til the end of the day to feel that the day is good?

today...

there is a new daily mantra- set in place by a woman wiser than i. endlessly wise and full of hope, she said, "be gentle with yourself". i write it over and over again in my notebook each morning. it is the new alpha and omega. the first line, the last line. it is that same old practice of writing sentences in school, only this time it isn't due to a fuck-up and this time it isn't an act of punishment. it is an exercise to believe in the good, to believe in time- that i have some. i've needed this belief for quite a long while.

the sky is pale. that blue you find on a blue-eyed dog. and on a dog's eye, it is disconcerting and puts you on guard. it is shocking. spooky like. but up on that big ol' sky, it ain't spooky at it. it is quiet and calm. it is just waking up, stretching out a gentle fold, warming, casting its delicate tint over everything beneath. it is a whisper.

today, i will obey The Jog and take my new hot pink sports-bra on its maiden voyage. :) i will eat nectarines and get myself clean and wear something that makes me feel good. i will play inside all my little projects and not be too serious and i will remember, over and over again, the new mantra. i will attempt evenness. i will stretch out. i will reach toward warmth.

yikes!

an evening jog and a swarm of bees kicked loose from somewhere deep in the vineyard and i ran fast and feared that i'd made the wrong decision, that they could smell my panic and would come get me and i'd die out there on a dirt road, covered in red lumps, my little girl dog without a mama. silly, i'm sure, but bees are nothing to trifle with. they have strength in numbers and all i could see was that horrible scene form 'My Girl" when Macaulay Culkin dies. yeewuu. (shiver) gives me the heebeejeebees!

hee-BEE-jee-BEES! hahahahaha! :)



(pun not intended)

simple...

the house is quiet. no tv. no sounds from the outside. a sleeping dog at my feet. a worn out man in my bed. books in the shelf. cups in a row. no dripping pipes. no ringing phone.

i took an extra long jog this evening and lit fire to all my worries.

all better!

The Jog is the cure-all. it really is. moving fast through the wide, empty vineyard at dusk put a quick end to the despondent pity-party i was having for myself earlier today. endorphins are magical. so is sweat and hard breathing. small successes are what save people- breed resilience and self-reliance, enthusiasm. and now my little one is curled up at my feet, in love with her mama again. :) why i even take a day off from The Jog here and there is beyond me. i've got it in my head that it's dangerous to run every day. i'm pretty sure i'm wrong about that and should just do it anyway. it's just too good to me, too good for me. and now, at the end of the day, i'm finally in the mood to paint. ha! i think i'll have to settle for a night of crocheting.

die, scumbag!

putting on another pot of coffee- i did the damned dreaded dishes and am now free to while away my evening in sweat and oil. The Jog awaits and i've decided that its call with never go unanswered ever again. ever. it's too good to me to cast aside. my brain loves the fast rush of oxygen and so does my heart and my legs and my waist and my painting practice too. i'm trying to tame the dirty little snot-nosed perfectionist in me and ignore her to death. yes, ignore her til she dies. she's a mean little brat and i'm tired of sharing my life with her. she must be murdered or tied up and blindfolded at least. The Jog helps to silence her. all hail The Mighty Jog.

YAWN...

geez. the day after a trip to the city, i always have such a hard time rolling out of bed! and this after yesterday's cheerful post about waking up early and taking care of business. ha! it's 8:30 and i'm just now starting to get a move on. there's a lot to be done today too. of all my errands, i only got two taken care of- dropping off the new painting and buying a pair of running shoes. the cute, bebe sport's i bought aren't worth a damn to run in. and so now i've learned the lesson the hard way and the answer is yes: it IS too much to ask to be comfortable AND stylish. ain't gonna happen, girls. no, no, no. and that kinda pisses me off, actually, because GOOD DESIGN ensures that the marriage of form and function is an equal one. where are all the good shoe designers? i guess they're all making heels and boots and stuff like that. the running shoe must be low man on the totem pole. and so in light of all this new found knowledge, i opted to buy one of the ugliest running shoes i could find. the company has a great reputation and i've known a few people who run marathons who swear by this particular shoe. i'll test it out for myself later on today and give you a full report. until then, i'm drinking coffee, playing in the paint, and trying to find the motivation to finally do the grocery shopping. and maybe a bit of laundry too. we'll see.