a new week begins

i am dirt. and sweat. and ice. the roads are not safe out this way. this morning everything is frozen. anti-californian. i put on my freddie fruger sweater and went running down the highway through the slush and leaves. i dreamt of new york and berlin and travelling to all the places i've not yet been. i dreamt of my new painting and all the black roses i've been crocheting, the end of the year and a new year about to born. i dreamt about going blonde and wearing red lipstick. this is something i may actually have to do. i've never been much of a lipstick wearer. suddenly and unexpectedly, i am very interested in becoming one. i have no clue why. just the call. that call to make your outsides mirror your insides. to give shape and shadow to all those twists of soul and spirit. to make the windings of my mind and heart physical somehow. apparent. why this is being translated in to going blonde and wearing red lipstick, i can only say that something about it feels correct. i have no deeper analysis than that. it just feels like it could be the exact right thing to do.

transitions. encouragements. seeking a new lens to look through. the rituals of the new year are finding me. and maybe it's just a result of the life i've been leading the passed few years... the passed few months especially. all this running and working and reading and drawing. this morning i read this interview with William Pope.l and i felt like it was a moment of dumb, amazing, inexplicable luck to have stumbled across it. there are beautiful, gentle, necessary permission slips in there. encouragements and hugs and nudges... things i've been feeling a bit hungry for. but aren't we all? encouragement is a thing that seems to be in very short order in this world. i caught a lucky break today by reading this interview. a new lens, indeed.

my painting is calling from the other side of the room - a commission i'm working on - so i'm off to wrestle the black oil. but first, i've got to melt away all this crazy california ice from my arms and eyes. it is freezing cold here today. sheets of broken ice like panes of glass all along the road. weird.

narrow

i was looking at the bright sky and the bright leaves. i was thinking of my drawings. i was thinking of my sweater, every panel now finished and only needing to be stitched together. i was looking at the bright sky and as i watched the bright leaves flutter passed, i saw how fast i was running. pound pound pound. legs and lungs. legs and heart. pound pound pound. at the intersection i looked both ways. the woman in the car did not. i watched her not look. i lept, one hand punched down hard on the hood of her car as she absent-mindedly began to drive right through me. i was running fast and, like an action movie, lept out of the way and yelled HEY! i looked back over my shoulder and both her hands were raised in that "oops" pose. she mouthed the word so-rry pathetically. i felt a bit insulted by that. the sing-song sorry. and then i instantly felt a bit embarrassed by the anger that swelled in me. i ran faster and faster and got back to that place where the pound pound pound is all that matters. the pain in my legs. heaving chest. sweaty face. can we call it beauty? at least sometimes. at least in the moment. at least when you go as fast as you can and see the bright leaves and see the bright sky and be thankful for the quickness that bolted you over the hood of a car. here in one piece. here, feeling just fine. and deciding that narrow escapes are more beautiful to watch than wide ones. i'm very happy that accident was avoided. :)

honey and agony

last night, i went to bed feeling pretty happy and satisfied; and today, i woke up feeling the exact same way. i wonder if it's the tea and honey?

i started doing a bit of research on honey because i got scared i was somehow thwarting my own attempt to kick as much refined sugar out of my life as possible (mainly, all that delicious hazelnut creamer i dump in coffee). turns out, honey is super healthy for us. as is tea. and i totally had my limited knowledge about tea and coffee all mixed up and backward- i though tea had more caffeine in it than coffee. nope! coffee has twice, some times 3 times, the amount of caffeine that tea does. though i wasn't at all concerned about caffeine consumption when i decided to step away from coffee and i'm still not concerned. it's a myth that caffeine is dehydrating unless you're consuming mass quantities of it in one sitting. but excess is excess, and even water can kill a human if they drink too much of it all at once. which was a very strange thing to learn.

it's mainly all about sugar for me. and the natural sugars inside honey are totally healthy and packed with antioxidants (cancer preventative) and every single bit of honey is put to use by the body. and, even though it's got calories, the calories aren't empty- they are easily converted in to heat and energy for the body and it's even recommended that people eat a spoonful of honey before working out. not just for the energy boost, but it also prevents muscle fatigue. as a runner, this is really good to know!

all this to say, my decision to get away from coffee and all the sugar-cream i dump in it has provided a very happy accident! a positive faux-pas! yay!

and another reason this is all so exciting to me is that i wasn't really taught that many healthy behaviors and decision-making skills growing up. i really wasn't. and i'm not mad about that- most people truly are doing the best they can under their particular set of circumstances. and the circumstances of my childhood were pretty heavy. and what that means for me now is that i have to unlearn certain behaviors and attitude and figure out how to teach myself how to treat myself well and with respect. especially when it comes to my body.

i was never involved in any type of team sport when i was in school. i was not at all interested. NOT. i thought those girls were jerks. haha! (sorry girls. i was angsty and shy.) i though high school was the worst place on earth. and it kinda is for a lot of kids. high school sucks. it's probably always sucked and i couldn't wait to graduate so i'd never have to go back. and for anyone in the audience who might still be in high school and hating it- my life got so much better after high school. so much better! and my teenage notion that high school society is ridiculous was instantly confirmed once i left and was out in the work world and on a college campus. the point being: if i didn't have to participate in something i hated, i didn't. and, though that sentiment is actually a pretty good one, i never really took (or saw) the opportunity to take care of myself in meaningful ways when it came to my body. i was much much MUCH more focused on taking care of my brain and my spirit. it didn't occur to me until much further down the road that the brain is a body part like any other and that, on days when i felt incapable of taking care of my brain, i could choose to take care of my body... and thereby get myself in a much better mood and a much more creative place as well. a rush of oxygen to the brain makes us more alert, more focused, and more creative. had i known that back then, i might've had a different opinion about exercise.

but, truth be told, i'm just not that in to sports. i'm just not. i've tried to be and i've failed. it's just not something that has ever come close to capturing my heart.

and then the other morning, my sweetheart was watching Sports Center before heading off to work and a program about running came on. the reporter described running as a "sport of agony". that phrase definitely captured my heart. ha! first, i was wrapped up in this idea of agony. is it agonizing? do i feel like i'm in agony when i run? am i an agony glutton? an agony addict? OH, all the lovely masochistic questions! ;) and then my mind turned to the other word: sport. running is a sport??? i had never thought of running that way. not once. but on my runs since, i've been thinking about it... how when one runs, one is competing with/against oneself. how it is only dedication and willpower that makes you finish the run. how i put myself instantly in to a measured and rhythmic cycle of breathing, get myself inside a day-dream, and ignore whatever pain or discomfort that might be taking place in my legs. the zone, as they call it. time falls away. i look at the light of the day. i dream as i breathe. ideas float in and out. and some of the best ideas i've ever had come to me while i'm running. and if i can stay locked inside those great ideas, i do not notice any pain in the body. it's when i don't let my mind go that i become cognizant of the agony of the run. it's when i focus on my legs rather than on my life or letting my imagination spin, that it becomes an agonizing thing to do. and that is the competition itself. to overcome oneself and keep moving. one more stride, one more stride, one more stride.

this is a metaphor (and practice) i am trying to apply to art as well.

do i feel agonized by art? sometimes, yes.

can art be talked about in terms of the phrase "a sport of agony"? yes! it definitely can be!

especially when i think about art as competing with/against oneself. when i think of how painful it can become, how agonizing, how hard, when i focus on the wrong thing. when i don't allow myself, for whatever reason, to get locked in to an idea i love. when i look somewhere else instead. when i compare my stride to the stride of others.

when i compare my stride, i'm not doing what i should be doing. i'm no longer competing with myself, i'm competing with someone else. i've made someone an adversary. someone i could be choosing to learn from or even just be excited for. but instead, seeing it as a competition leads to jealousy. envy. all sorts of self-mockery and hate and disillusionment. and all that amounts to is becoming Unfocused.

my stride is my stride. my breath is my breath. my work is my work.

i noticed a long time ago that when i am diligent about running, i'm diligent about art too. it's scientific for sure. a biological event. that rush of oxygen to the brain making me more creative, more alert, more excited. it is a spoonful of honey that way. it keep the fatigue at bay and i can just go.

i love the connections between things. i love that they are everywhere. and i love that i'm getting to a place where they are easier to see. i'm teaching myself some very healthy things. things that are tailored to me and the type of life i'm attempting. it takes time but i'm on my way. and on days when i'm feeling disappointed in life, this is all very good stuff to remember. that even making the decision to eat some honey is a healthy one and that i've done something good for myself. a small action that can lead to tremendous benefits if i just find ways to keep doing it.

and the same thing goes for all our paintings and poems too, friends. it really does. it's hard to keep my eyes on that fact some days but i'm learning, now, how to do that. and if an art practice is anything, it's learning how to keep coming back to the ideas we are compelled by and locking ourselves in to them and not measuring ourselves by the ideas of others. it is teaching ourselves how to sustain a Mighty Run.

find some honey. ;)

bare with me, it's a biggun! shoes, facebook, and the art biz...

oh man. OH MAN! these shoes are WONDERFUL! AH! what a difference! now i know why the guy at the shoe store cringed so hard when i told him that i'd been running in an old pair of beat up converse. ha! i mean, it's a completely different experience! i can run farther EASIER. it's unbelievable! and i don't breathe as hard either. i'm truly amazed how having the correct tool for the job impacts the job itself- something i've sorta always known but hadn't applied to the jogging thing honestly because (1) i've been a cheap ass and (2) hung up on the cuteness factor. stupid! lesson learned! and the brand is: saucony! take my recommendation, guys and girls, these shoes are IT! accept no substitute! this is the shoe for you! :)

and now back on to art talk-

so... facebook is just another social networking site right? well, not quite. if you make "friends" with the right people, it's actually a pretty nice tool to have in your bag. i've made sure to make "friends" with every art institution, gallery, whatever that i can think of that i admire and would love to work with one day. i get regular updates about openings and it really does help to know WHEN stuff happens if you'd like to be a part of it. also, i'm currently enmeshed in a wonderful (sometimes enraging) conversation about the role of the audience in an artist's process or approach to art-making. it's all i can think about for the last three days since this conversation started. hearing how other people interpret this issue has been both shocking and insightful and has given me tons of new ideas to consider. TONS! i haven't really gotten to have conversations about things like this since art-school. it's so much fun! so here we go...

the audience.

this is a topic that applies to artists who want to show their work in public. and i'm still learning the ropes on this one too so bare with me and please chime in if you've got something to say. :)

in my opinion, it's not really up to an artist WHO gets to be in their audience. it's not something you have much control over. if people like your work (or are even intrigued by it), they're in your audience. and what they have to say about your work is information that can only help you. at least, that's been the case with me. example: if i painted a picture of a cow and 99 out of 100 people said it was a painting of a duck... that's good information to have. it's information i can USE! now, to me, it'll probably always be a painting of a cow, but the truth is that i inadvertently learned how to paint a duck. i might not have succeeded in satisfying my original intention, but i've learned something... i've gained a skill that i didn't bet on. it's not a bad thing and it's not a negative critique either, it's INSIGHT in to HOW people SEE your work. and once you've made the leap to showing your work in a public venue, you need to realize that you've opened the door to having discourse. you can't shout out statements and then slam the door, refusing to let others respond. art is a form of conversation. it creates a space for discussion and sometimes the discussion heads in a direction that the artist would never have even dreamed of. that's part of the fun. and it's valuable to know how the majority of people see your work. very valuable. that kind of information is just what you need to know how to tweak your work in such a way that mistaking your intentions will happen with increasingly less regularity. and i do not mean that you compromise the work at all- it's about tightening up your skills and not thinking that you're smarter than the audience and that they're just there to be told what to do and how to think. because the cold, hard truth of the matter is that the vast majority of people on the planet DO NOT CARE ABOUT ART. evidence: the fact that art programs are always the first thing on the chopping block... even in times of economic health and stability and growth. more evidence: the common adage "starving artist". most people believe that there's absolutely no money to be made in art and that a person who decides to follow this road is resigning themselves to a life of poverty and toil. definitely not the truth but it's the common outlook and one we've all heard. and here in america (consumerist nation!), involving yourself in an enterprise of poverty is stupid. so yes, most people think art is stupid. it's sad but it's the case. it's what we contend with. most people do not spend their free time going to art galleries. they just don't. that being said, people who DO go to art galleries (the minority) are people that artists should want to have conversations with. if they care about art, they're in your audience regardless of what your work looks like or what your motivations are.

and on the topic of LOOKS and how it relates to the audience...

the small amount of control an artist has in relation to the audience is getting your work in the correct venue. example: if you make paintings, you wouldn't expect to show in a photography gallery, right? and more specifically, if you paint portraits, you wouldn't (or shouldn't) approach a landscape gallery for a show. that's NOT what that gallery is KNOWN for. and getting your portraits in a venue that caters to PORTRAITURE is the quickest, smartest way an artist can get their work in front of an audience that LIKES that kind of work. and that has absolutely NOTHING to do with compromise or anything along those lines. nothing.

just like the hard lesson i learned about running shoes and having the correct tool for the job, choosing the correct venue in which to show your work makes all the difference. it's a tool. and the experience of working with a good gallery is amazing. a good gallery will never tell you to start doing different work or to change your style or anything like that. ever. you've already considered your audience by doing the research to find out what kind of gallery suits your work. you'll run farther EASIER!

considering your audience has nothing at all to do will dumbing down your work or making things easy or spelling out every last detail. not one thing to do with it. it's about getting the stuff you've worked so hard on in front of people who will respect and appreciate it... because not everyone will. i know for a fact that my work isn't for everybody and that's okay. it's the way it should be.

who knows- as the conversation on facebook progresses, i may end up eating my words on this. and as i get further in my career, my outlook may change. but i'm going to leave the door open on gaining insight from other people which is the entire point of this post. i made a decision a long time ago to leave the door open to having a change of heart and it has proved to be a very good decision.

YAWN...

geez. the day after a trip to the city, i always have such a hard time rolling out of bed! and this after yesterday's cheerful post about waking up early and taking care of business. ha! it's 8:30 and i'm just now starting to get a move on. there's a lot to be done today too. of all my errands, i only got two taken care of- dropping off the new painting and buying a pair of running shoes. the cute, bebe sport's i bought aren't worth a damn to run in. and so now i've learned the lesson the hard way and the answer is yes: it IS too much to ask to be comfortable AND stylish. ain't gonna happen, girls. no, no, no. and that kinda pisses me off, actually, because GOOD DESIGN ensures that the marriage of form and function is an equal one. where are all the good shoe designers? i guess they're all making heels and boots and stuff like that. the running shoe must be low man on the totem pole. and so in light of all this new found knowledge, i opted to buy one of the ugliest running shoes i could find. the company has a great reputation and i've known a few people who run marathons who swear by this particular shoe. i'll test it out for myself later on today and give you a full report. until then, i'm drinking coffee, playing in the paint, and trying to find the motivation to finally do the grocery shopping. and maybe a bit of laundry too. we'll see.