:)

on tuesday, i burned through my remaining pencils in a hot and dedicated round of drawing. yesterday, the fire was still burning high and i (painfully) managed to make a drawing using the pencil stubs- whittling them down until they were ridiculously short and impossible to control. ha! but the gnarly hand cramp that resulted was entirely worth it. not only because the drawing i made is really cool (pics soon), but also because it taught me something about dedication and perseverance. two things i really need and deeply prize.

growing up, the only thing that was consistent was instability and chaos. problems were solved by moving. and we moved a lot. the longest span of time i've spent under one roof is 4 years. and that particular roof is a fluke in the group. 2 years seems to be the average when i look back. and that's even been the case since i moved out on my own. not a lot of stability there. and, more and more, i recognize that stability is a necessity when working toward goals that require a tremendous amount of dedication and focus. daily focus, daily dedication, daily effort in a single direction. persistence and commitment become near-impossible without some sense of stability or confidence that world will not fall apart later this afternoon.

and so i've been supplying stability and consistency to myself. it isn't easy and, some days, it isn't fun either, to tell you the truth. but the benefits are fun. and i'm becoming completely focused on maintaining a deep consistency within myself from here on out, to the absolute best of my ability. it is the only thing i know will get me to where i want to go.

i want to experience positive, joyful, lasting changes in my life and the only way to achieve that is with hard work. dedication and unshakable confidence in the value of art and its governance of my life. i'll get where i'm going one day. i can't really control how much time it takes or how long i might walk down a particular road. but i can control my own levels of dedication to the work. practice. practice. practice. and to truly make a deep, 7 day a week, commitment to art-making, learning, reading, writing, struggling, etc, etc, etc. and to a very large extent, i've already done that... but there's been a lot of second-guessing myself along the way. lots of waiting for the other shoe to drop... because, growing up, there always was another shoe and it always did drop.

but i don't live there anymore and all the shoes here are my own. i know nothing is going to fall apart later this afternoon and that it is entirely logical for me to trust the safety and security of my life at the present moment. i'm the one in charge and i supply my own level of encouragement, safety, and stability. and looking at my life from the outside, i can see i'm pretty good at that stuff. :)

the daily run, especially, has become a very active metaphor for how i want to live my life in general. with faith in The Practice. total trust in its Goodness. some days i catch myself trying to make excuses about why it might be alright to take the day off and just laze around. i'll tell myself oh, i did so much great work yesterday. i deserve to take it easy today and just clown around. it's a cutesy way of living in the past. yesterday is a wonderful memory. nothing more. if it does anything for Today, it lets me know that Today i can accomplish a great deal. but it isn't an excuse to take the day off. it's a brick to build with. today, i can keep building.

aren't i sickening!!!!! hahaha! but i tell ya, my winding daily affirmations are working for me! working wonders! i'm trying for tunnel vision these days. :)

BURN, BABY, BURN!

BURN, BABY, BURN!

i spent next to no time online this weekend. i holed up with books and papers and pencils instead. phone calls from old friends and lots of soul-searching, excavating existentialism. ha! i read Helaine Posner's long and beautiful essay on the work of Kiki Smith and rolled around in the ideas of Trust it contains. very much a "believe in yourself and trust the work" refrain. and then saturday, my birthday present arrived. while we were at the grocery store, the mail lady dropped off a big fat book at our door that jared had ordered for me. the huge Henry Darger book by Klaus Biesenbach. and so i spent the bulk of saturday afternoon and evening looking at the absolutely gorgeous reproductions of Darger's work, getting absolutely lost in the drive his work materializes- absolute faith in "the call"... the answering of that call, the reward. last night, i finally started reading the text of the book and am anxious to get back to it. and in between all this, tons of drawing. tons. i burned through so many pencils this weekend and will soon be left with only the stubs. which i'm saving for something a la Arman:





:) i've always admired his accumulations.

and this morning: i obeyed the MIGHTY RUN - 3.5 miles - came home, ate fruit and greek yogurt, read Malevich's treatise on Suprematism (which i will have to read again and again until it sinks in deep and i understand well enough to agree with half and dispute the other half), and have already gotten a good hour of drawing under my belt. this is a fantastic start to the new week. and most welcome after last week's recurrent disillusionment and deflated attribute. oh, the joys of the artist ego! FRAILTY! ha! but i have resurfaced and am thinking a lot about my own values and ideas... finding ways to keep the fire stoked and high. it is all about maintaining one's own passionate commitment to this thing. answering the call is the reward.

every single day, i must find a way to answer it.

my twisty education has lit back up.

there's just something about black and white...

i know, i know... i'm supposed to be trying for a bit of color inclusion in my work these days but, honestly, i'm getting ready to just scrap that idea completely. at least for now. it's just not the right time. my heart's just not in it and i feel like it's pretty apparent. and one thing is for certain, i never want to fall in to that horrible habit of doing work just to do it or satisfy someone else's desires. the work, at very least, needs to be sincere. good or bad, it doesn't matter as long as sincerity is evident in the work. and that's not something that can be faked.

and at this point, the reason i've not posted any of the more recent oil paintings is because well... there aren't any to show. they are all half-finished, half-hearted attempts to move away from my beloved black and white and i just can't keep moving in that direction. that is a shift that needs to happen naturally in the course of my practice and i'm just not there yet. i am more interested in exploring the subtleties of color, the way a black and white approach can suggest color, than actual using color. i'm sure than sounds a bit strange or nonsensical but it's where i'm at with this work. dealing with the huge issues of loss and trauma, and their influence within the identity project, just feels a bit contrary to color... at least at this stage of the game.

i'm happy with my black ink and black paint. i'm happy with my white thread and white paper. the work has an elegance to it which is a wonderful surprise considering the somewhat sad nature of the ideas being explored. i'm completely satisfied with the works on paper and the redaction pieces and i need to trust the work and follow it's lead.

even something as simple as this piece...


"pictured window"
6" x 3 3/4"
redacted book page
2008

...speaks so beautifully and elegantly about loss (and the poetry that can be found within the event of loss) that i feel compelled to keep up my current approach to exploring these ideas. i feel like i am on the right track here and i'm excited to see where it takes me. process has become an ever-increasingly important aspect of my practice that even the silliest experiments in the studio end up being such a thoughtful and genuine experience that i'm inclined to stop second-guessing my instincts.

p.s. lots of new stuff in the shop these days. everything from doll collections to home invasions to redoute-inspired botanicals. check it out when you've got a few minutes and let me know what you think. thanks!

poems, painting, and the problem of memory...

i've spent the day so far (up since 4:30 am) alternating between painting and reading the complete poems of anne sexton... which means i have also been alternating between moments of exquisite joy and the torture of reliving old, bad memories. nevertheless, a wonderful day!

the oil paintings are coming along quite nicely and should be finished sometime during the next 2 weeks. i also started a new canvas based on this study:




study for 'the fall'
11" x 7 1/2"
acrylic and graphite on paper
2008

the canvas is 3 feet square (so it'll be a few weeks before i'm done) and so much fun to work on. i've been wrapped up in smaller works on paper for weeks now and it feels wonderful to go big.

this image is largely inspired by another painting i'm working on for rana kelly's 'witch of the bayou'. i'm still so struck by her story that i feel compelled to respond to it visually. the task will be to do the story justice. the paintings need to be thoughtful. they need to mirror how gruesome, how beautiful, and how haunting the story is.

keeping busy and getting sentimental...

between painting, the drawing rampage, dropping off work to the gallery, doing art trades, and setting up my etsy shop, this month went by so incredibly fast. i woke up today realizing that halloween and the holidays are just around the corner. the evenings have cooled down and i've been making scarves again. i've been spending alot of time putting together care-packages for family members and trying to come up with sweet, sentimental gift ideas.

lately, i've been completely consumed by the desire to do nice things for other people... ever since i finally sat down and read Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance. (thanks rebecca!) :) following through on the impulse to do thoughtful things for others has really brightened my days and made me a much happier and positive person all the way around. i'm thankful for the opportunity to do nice things and to be surrounded by so many people who appreciate the action. maintaining a positive outlook really does take a person a long, long way. some days it's hard. i can get in a funk pretty easily sometimes, but i'm getting better at reminding myself to see the good in my life and to count my blessings. i've got a lot to be thankful for. just being able to live as an artist is the best thing that could've happened to me. for as much struggle as there sometimes is, it is still such a joy to be able to wake up and paint. the truth is, at the end of the day, i spent it doing the thing i love most. i am a very lucky girl.

i spent some time going through the etsy forums last night. reading all the encouraging posts from one artist to another really warmed my heart. the art community is great at being supportive and i'm so proud to be a part of it. being in a community of artists was the big reason behind my desire to attend a private art college. it's important to be surrounded by people who appreciate what you do and understand that it is work. being in a place where art is respected, valued, and validated is priceless.

anyway, i'm getting sappy. ha!

here's a sweet little drawing of a nest i did the other night in bed as i was winding down for sleep. it's in the shop so swing by and check out the space when you get a chance. comments, criticisms, and suggestions are completely welcome. i'd be glad to know what you all think. thanks! angela



5 1/2" x 7 1/2"
ink on paper
2008