these texts are an archive of my life in the San Francisco Bay Area from march 2007 - march 2015. it stands as a record of close to a decade of my life, charting the struggles i faced as an artist, daughter, and lover. messy and chaotic at times, eloquent and poetic at others, these texts are an index i am proud of. it was here in this electric box that i learned how to be honest about my experiences and the person i needed to become. it was here that i first learned the truism that words make the world and how to trust such a beautiful, rife, hard fact.

thank you for meeting me here in such tall grass.


my artist website is here.

Sep 16, 2010

:)

on tuesday, i burned through my remaining pencils in a hot and dedicated round of drawing. yesterday, the fire was still burning high and i (painfully) managed to make a drawing using the pencil stubs- whittling them down until they were ridiculously short and impossible to control. ha! but the gnarly hand cramp that resulted was entirely worth it. not only because the drawing i made is really cool (pics soon), but also because it taught me something about dedication and perseverance. two things i really need and deeply prize.

growing up, the only thing that was consistent was instability and chaos. problems were solved by moving. and we moved a lot. the longest span of time i've spent under one roof is 4 years. and that particular roof is a fluke in the group. 2 years seems to be the average when i look back. and that's even been the case since i moved out on my own. not a lot of stability there. and, more and more, i recognize that stability is a necessity when working toward goals that require a tremendous amount of dedication and focus. daily focus, daily dedication, daily effort in a single direction. persistence and commitment become near-impossible without some sense of stability or confidence that world will not fall apart later this afternoon.

and so i've been supplying stability and consistency to myself. it isn't easy and, some days, it isn't fun either, to tell you the truth. but the benefits are fun. and i'm becoming completely focused on maintaining a deep consistency within myself from here on out, to the absolute best of my ability. it is the only thing i know will get me to where i want to go.

i want to experience positive, joyful, lasting changes in my life and the only way to achieve that is with hard work. dedication and unshakable confidence in the value of art and its governance of my life. i'll get where i'm going one day. i can't really control how much time it takes or how long i might walk down a particular road. but i can control my own levels of dedication to the work. practice. practice. practice. and to truly make a deep, 7 day a week, commitment to art-making, learning, reading, writing, struggling, etc, etc, etc. and to a very large extent, i've already done that... but there's been a lot of second-guessing myself along the way. lots of waiting for the other shoe to drop... because, growing up, there always was another shoe and it always did drop.

but i don't live there anymore and all the shoes here are my own. i know nothing is going to fall apart later this afternoon and that it is entirely logical for me to trust the safety and security of my life at the present moment. i'm the one in charge and i supply my own level of encouragement, safety, and stability. and looking at my life from the outside, i can see i'm pretty good at that stuff. :)

the daily run, especially, has become a very active metaphor for how i want to live my life in general. with faith in The Practice. total trust in its Goodness. some days i catch myself trying to make excuses about why it might be alright to take the day off and just laze around. i'll tell myself oh, i did so much great work yesterday. i deserve to take it easy today and just clown around. it's a cutesy way of living in the past. yesterday is a wonderful memory. nothing more. if it does anything for Today, it lets me know that Today i can accomplish a great deal. but it isn't an excuse to take the day off. it's a brick to build with. today, i can keep building.

aren't i sickening!!!!! hahaha! but i tell ya, my winding daily affirmations are working for me! working wonders! i'm trying for tunnel vision these days. :)

BURN, BABY, BURN!

4 comments:

Hannah Stephenson said...

It's good to hear. Yes, mantra-sharing is in order---I like your tunnel vision.

angela simione said...

thanks, hannah! also, i've been putting your motto to good use: keep showing up. every day. for the work, for the struggle, for the fire and excitement. and i hope to get my ass to an art reception tonight too! (waiting for a check in the mail today: gas money!) "keep showing up" as it can be applied to daily life is a wonderful motto. thank you for sharing it with me, sweet one. :)

Roz said...

you know, i really really treasure your daily affirmations, that you a) have them and b) share them here. so many people spend their days receiving life rather than living it, and sometimes artists & writers can be the worst offenders in this area, i mean this area of being complacent and overly self-satisfied, and so it is so so refreshing and so so vital to see you doing this, i mean, take life by the horns and really actively live it w/awareness and make these active decisions about how to live and then on top of it all to share about your process here. thank you.

angela simione said...

thank you, roz! that means so much to me! it really does. because i know i can get pretty sentimental at times... a state of being which is definitely not good if it lands inside art or writing. but more and more, i come to see a need in our world at present for a helping of sentimentality... or maybe just a sweet positivity. sweetness has a value. and i guess i need some its value in my life at present. :)

living life with awareness... that is an awesome compliment and i am absolutely grateful for it, roz. it encourages me to continue down this weird road of mine with confidence and assurance. (((BIG HUG)))