:)

on tuesday, i burned through my remaining pencils in a hot and dedicated round of drawing. yesterday, the fire was still burning high and i (painfully) managed to make a drawing using the pencil stubs- whittling them down until they were ridiculously short and impossible to control. ha! but the gnarly hand cramp that resulted was entirely worth it. not only because the drawing i made is really cool (pics soon), but also because it taught me something about dedication and perseverance. two things i really need and deeply prize.

growing up, the only thing that was consistent was instability and chaos. problems were solved by moving. and we moved a lot. the longest span of time i've spent under one roof is 4 years. and that particular roof is a fluke in the group. 2 years seems to be the average when i look back. and that's even been the case since i moved out on my own. not a lot of stability there. and, more and more, i recognize that stability is a necessity when working toward goals that require a tremendous amount of dedication and focus. daily focus, daily dedication, daily effort in a single direction. persistence and commitment become near-impossible without some sense of stability or confidence that world will not fall apart later this afternoon.

and so i've been supplying stability and consistency to myself. it isn't easy and, some days, it isn't fun either, to tell you the truth. but the benefits are fun. and i'm becoming completely focused on maintaining a deep consistency within myself from here on out, to the absolute best of my ability. it is the only thing i know will get me to where i want to go.

i want to experience positive, joyful, lasting changes in my life and the only way to achieve that is with hard work. dedication and unshakable confidence in the value of art and its governance of my life. i'll get where i'm going one day. i can't really control how much time it takes or how long i might walk down a particular road. but i can control my own levels of dedication to the work. practice. practice. practice. and to truly make a deep, 7 day a week, commitment to art-making, learning, reading, writing, struggling, etc, etc, etc. and to a very large extent, i've already done that... but there's been a lot of second-guessing myself along the way. lots of waiting for the other shoe to drop... because, growing up, there always was another shoe and it always did drop.

but i don't live there anymore and all the shoes here are my own. i know nothing is going to fall apart later this afternoon and that it is entirely logical for me to trust the safety and security of my life at the present moment. i'm the one in charge and i supply my own level of encouragement, safety, and stability. and looking at my life from the outside, i can see i'm pretty good at that stuff. :)

the daily run, especially, has become a very active metaphor for how i want to live my life in general. with faith in The Practice. total trust in its Goodness. some days i catch myself trying to make excuses about why it might be alright to take the day off and just laze around. i'll tell myself oh, i did so much great work yesterday. i deserve to take it easy today and just clown around. it's a cutesy way of living in the past. yesterday is a wonderful memory. nothing more. if it does anything for Today, it lets me know that Today i can accomplish a great deal. but it isn't an excuse to take the day off. it's a brick to build with. today, i can keep building.

aren't i sickening!!!!! hahaha! but i tell ya, my winding daily affirmations are working for me! working wonders! i'm trying for tunnel vision these days. :)

BURN, BABY, BURN!

putting up plans...

my mind is spinning spinning spinning on new year's resolutions, coming up with all sorts of funky ideas to play with: making a quilt, a sweater, black and white striped curtains... fun stuff like that. but i've also been thinking about more businessy things too. it must be done. big on that particular list is refreshing my shop every quarter which spells quite a bit of work on my part but also, if i can manage it, a bigger commitment to my career in a very tangible way. and that's always a good thing. and i'll be starting on that now, making new drawings and things to offer up come january first. everything that's in the shop now will disappear come the first of the year and then every three months the shop itself will be re-curated with new work. keep it fresh, right? that's the name of the game, i've learned. and it doesn't seem easy but it'll keep me moving forward, determined, and thinking about art in an ever-expanding way.

linked to that, i've decided to go ahead and do the 'a drawing day' thing too. i've always been so impressed by the artists who take this particular project on and there's a ton of blogs out there dedicated to this exact practice. the results are always wonderful. it expands the definition of what a drawing is and how to go about making one. for my purposes, at least at the beginning, i'm going to keep a fairly traditional definition in place: marks on paper. and i'm not going to wait for the new year either. i'm gonna go ahead and get rolling on that now so that when the first of the year hits i'll be off and running at full steam. i may even create a second blog to document it... we'll see. having a list of images without any text is sort of a nice aesthetic and i've noticed i'm a person who responds well to having an OUTSIDE to answer to. it keeps me in line. :) however it goes, it'll go well and i know it'll be such a beneficial and wonderful addition to my daily living. dedication = goodness. i draw almost every day as it is but sometimes i don't finish the drawing and it sits hidden in a portfolio for weeks and weeks before i remember it's there. so that's the catch: to finish a drawing, big or small, every single day for an entire year. this is a pretty steep commitment but i'm up for it. drawing, as an act, has always helped the paintings. always. and it's fun too. i'll keep you posted. i've got 5 1/2 weeks to work out my plan of attack on this and i'm pretty sure i'll need every bit of it. and maybe even a new camera.

other than that, the new year will actually be more about maintaining my current commitments and deepening them. The Almighty Jog, my morning writing time, reading, eating healthier foods, drinking more water, doing the dishes on a more regular basis, practicing good listening skills, the laundry. ha! you know, the stuff that makes life better and a bit easier. and i think i'll save the "drink less coffee" resolution for later. i just love that hazelnut dreaminess way too much. i only got involved in the whole coffee-craze about three years ago so i've got some time before i start feeling the ill effects of a rampant and unrestricted coffee addiction. bare with me on that one. besides, it helps me write and paint and it just tastes too good to let go of. not yet, not yet, not yet. ;)

you don't work, you don't eat...

that's exactly right. exactly. and this painting thing nourishes me in more ways than one. after getting rattled a few days ago and losing a whole bunch of time to feeling inadequate and unsure, i have retrieved my confidence from the toilet and have established a NO SELF-PITY rule when it comes to my practice and to art in general. it's a time waster and it's silly anyhow. i knew when i started that it'd be an uphill battle. i knew it'd be the hardest thing i'd run across yet. i knew there'd be tons of rejection and tons of disappointments along the way. i knew. and i was fine with that. i knew that THIS is what i'm meant to do and meant to be and after 11 years, i STILL know it. however many times i get knocked down, it is for damn sure i will be standing back up. no question about it. whatever pitfall, it's worth it. whatever blow to my ego, it's worth it. whatever karmic slap, it's worth it. this isn't just my "job", it's my life's work and no amount of rejection or struggle or disappointment or attack will change that. ever.

so this morning, i will run and i will work and i will not lose any more time to nursing a bruised ego. i believe in what i'm doing. eventually, others will as well. i'm knee deep in paying dues at this stage in the game and, truth be told, i'm happy to pay them. i am happy to take my knocks. i'm happy to prove myself and my level of dedication. it is a bright beautiful day and i am resolved to not slow down. ever.

the work horse is back on the job.