it's raining. i have the heater on. i painted a small candle for myself and a lawn of alices completely in silhouette, save for the whiteness of their blocky aprons. i began a portrait of Karen Hadaway. i drew until the muscle that connects my shoulder to my neck burned and then i sat back to look. i looked and looked and i picked up Angela Pneuman's book Home Remedies. i flipped it to the middle and read the story i found there- The Bell Ringer. On the 2nd page, i began reading out loud, all the way to the end. longing and heartbreak and confusion and all the fragments. the fragments. swept up in to a pile. a human.
i see sylvia plath and anne sexton in these pages. little flashes of them. but there are other ghosts in there too. other fragments. other inspirations. unknowable things that catch the light, a swift and sudden glint. as i read, my voice went low and slow. each word picking up more weight as it moved. each word becoming more and more laden with history, with all the fragments that make a person who they are. the heavy collection of individuality. of difference. of dark. of familiar places and memories and lost artifacts. the weight of a single life. sad and beautiful. an evidence room but warmer than that. and so much more complex. beauty twisting around flaws and helplessness. or maybe beauty because of these things. i was lost inside the skill of this story. nebulous like a spell.
and when i finished, i looked up at Karen's portrait. a baby. 9 years old. i saw my candle and i saw that it was still raining and i saw that, even here inside the dismal, there is such fertile land for hope and compassion. the possibility for a reckoning.
Showing posts with label study. Show all posts
Showing posts with label study. Show all posts
Feb 26, 2010
Feb 22, 2010
oh man
the weekend when by in a fast grey blur of drizzle and graphite.
a drawing marathon ensued and i just couldn't stop.
the only time i did stop was to go to the art store and buy more pencils and a new big portfolio to contain them in. other than that, it was eat, sleep, draw, eat, sleep, draw all weekend long. and during this race through graphite, wonderful philosophic conversations about art with my sweetheart. and common sense conversations too which, sometimes, are actually the bigger help- the "keep it simple" mentality is a rich and surprising one. i've become a fan. and a big time fan of artist Banks Violette this weekend too. his work reminds me of what i was moving toward when i was in my last year of school and getting ready to graduate. not that my work looked like his... but the impulse was very much the same; the desire, the "voice", the narrative that the audience creates with just a few hints from the maker of all these seemingly disparate images...
the life story.
the back-story.
the autobiographical nature of this whole enterprise.
and i looked at his work and read his interviews and studied, studied, studied and drew pictures. i sat in bed with a big board on my lap, big paper on top, pencil in hand, and sharpener to my right. i worked and explored and the only criteria, the most important criteria, was that i move forward with images that truly captivate me RIGHT THIS SECOND. i choose to abandon all concern of whether or not the images have anything in common or how they would work together and blah blah blah. they have me in common.
sometimes the conceptual framework for a body of work comes at the end. it comes after the work is done and you lay it all out together across the living room floor and all the ideas, all the desires, all the fascinations rise to the surface. that is how i proceeded in school. fearlessly. unrestrained by rules and just ran toward what attracted me. i let myself gravitate toward images that i had a deep, emotional response to. i drew and painted what i cared about- nothing else. and that's why i could spend 10 hours in the studio at a stretch without a break. that level of commitment, being able to sustain that kind of focus, achieving that degree of dedication, only happens when you are truly captivated by the image. and so i have to say, in all honesty, that my struggle the past year has come from the fact that i have been searching searching searching for captivating images and sometimes i've come up short. sometimes i've found a dead end. that's just the nature of this thing. that's the nature of exploration. that's the nature of a maze. and then suddenly, here i am, on a path that lets me wind around again, meander through the tall dark trees and see my life and my past and my needs and my hopes...
and they are not all sweet.
they are not all nice.
about a year ago i got the urge to do sylvia likens' portrait but i just wasn't ready. not even close. and so i wandered off in a different direction and got lost. that's just how it goes sometimes. but there was something about Banks Violette's work and reading the poetry of Aase Berg and all the blogs i read and looking through Vitamin D (an artist's bible if ever there was one) and thinking about myself, who i've become through the trials of the last few years, the massive depression and fears and all the journals i've filled, all the words words words, and the reaching, crying, searing hope that burns through me daily to find something honest. and i thought of elsie and i looked at The Good Daughter portraits hanging on my bedroom wall. i starting thinking about ghosts and rituals and acts of mourning. i starting thinking about honor and courage and saying "THIS IS RELEVANT AND I DON'T NEED ANYONE TO AGREE WITH ME". and i thought of seances and vigils and anniversaries and the need to commemorate something... something, anything, everything. and then it happened... i became, in that instant, ready to do her portrait. large and in graphite. extreme contrast, dark and light, the binary, the right and wrong, the beauty and the horror, the longing and the anger and the surprise at the unbelievable strength and fortitude of such a young girl. the naive and beautiful belief that her suffering could protect someone else.... her sister.... and it did. it did. she took the torture and it spared someone else. and in her photograph she has the sweetest, most innocent, happy smile.... the whole thing shakes me to my core. the whole thing breaks my heart. the whole thing makes me writhe and i wonder... what can i do?
i can do her portrait. i can do as many as it takes. it always has hurt me that we know that names of murderers but we don't know the names of their victims. it is a sick honoring of their "work" that we, as a culture, keep their names and not the names of those who suffered under their hand.
and i think of value. what i value. and i know the paintings i did for JonBenet creeped people out but it was important work. it is important to keep some candles lit. it is important to remember.
sylvia's portrait is almost done. it will be done and done again as often and as many as it takes. a vigil. an honoring. and i am honored to be doing it.
a drawing marathon ensued and i just couldn't stop.
the only time i did stop was to go to the art store and buy more pencils and a new big portfolio to contain them in. other than that, it was eat, sleep, draw, eat, sleep, draw all weekend long. and during this race through graphite, wonderful philosophic conversations about art with my sweetheart. and common sense conversations too which, sometimes, are actually the bigger help- the "keep it simple" mentality is a rich and surprising one. i've become a fan. and a big time fan of artist Banks Violette this weekend too. his work reminds me of what i was moving toward when i was in my last year of school and getting ready to graduate. not that my work looked like his... but the impulse was very much the same; the desire, the "voice", the narrative that the audience creates with just a few hints from the maker of all these seemingly disparate images...
the life story.
the back-story.
the autobiographical nature of this whole enterprise.
and i looked at his work and read his interviews and studied, studied, studied and drew pictures. i sat in bed with a big board on my lap, big paper on top, pencil in hand, and sharpener to my right. i worked and explored and the only criteria, the most important criteria, was that i move forward with images that truly captivate me RIGHT THIS SECOND. i choose to abandon all concern of whether or not the images have anything in common or how they would work together and blah blah blah. they have me in common.
sometimes the conceptual framework for a body of work comes at the end. it comes after the work is done and you lay it all out together across the living room floor and all the ideas, all the desires, all the fascinations rise to the surface. that is how i proceeded in school. fearlessly. unrestrained by rules and just ran toward what attracted me. i let myself gravitate toward images that i had a deep, emotional response to. i drew and painted what i cared about- nothing else. and that's why i could spend 10 hours in the studio at a stretch without a break. that level of commitment, being able to sustain that kind of focus, achieving that degree of dedication, only happens when you are truly captivated by the image. and so i have to say, in all honesty, that my struggle the past year has come from the fact that i have been searching searching searching for captivating images and sometimes i've come up short. sometimes i've found a dead end. that's just the nature of this thing. that's the nature of exploration. that's the nature of a maze. and then suddenly, here i am, on a path that lets me wind around again, meander through the tall dark trees and see my life and my past and my needs and my hopes...
and they are not all sweet.
they are not all nice.
about a year ago i got the urge to do sylvia likens' portrait but i just wasn't ready. not even close. and so i wandered off in a different direction and got lost. that's just how it goes sometimes. but there was something about Banks Violette's work and reading the poetry of Aase Berg and all the blogs i read and looking through Vitamin D (an artist's bible if ever there was one) and thinking about myself, who i've become through the trials of the last few years, the massive depression and fears and all the journals i've filled, all the words words words, and the reaching, crying, searing hope that burns through me daily to find something honest. and i thought of elsie and i looked at The Good Daughter portraits hanging on my bedroom wall. i starting thinking about ghosts and rituals and acts of mourning. i starting thinking about honor and courage and saying "THIS IS RELEVANT AND I DON'T NEED ANYONE TO AGREE WITH ME". and i thought of seances and vigils and anniversaries and the need to commemorate something... something, anything, everything. and then it happened... i became, in that instant, ready to do her portrait. large and in graphite. extreme contrast, dark and light, the binary, the right and wrong, the beauty and the horror, the longing and the anger and the surprise at the unbelievable strength and fortitude of such a young girl. the naive and beautiful belief that her suffering could protect someone else.... her sister.... and it did. it did. she took the torture and it spared someone else. and in her photograph she has the sweetest, most innocent, happy smile.... the whole thing shakes me to my core. the whole thing breaks my heart. the whole thing makes me writhe and i wonder... what can i do?
i can do her portrait. i can do as many as it takes. it always has hurt me that we know that names of murderers but we don't know the names of their victims. it is a sick honoring of their "work" that we, as a culture, keep their names and not the names of those who suffered under their hand.
and i think of value. what i value. and i know the paintings i did for JonBenet creeped people out but it was important work. it is important to keep some candles lit. it is important to remember.
sylvia's portrait is almost done. it will be done and done again as often and as many as it takes. a vigil. an honoring. and i am honored to be doing it.
Feb 19, 2010
satisfaction
Caesar's final action was to pull his robe over his face so that the betrayers who murdered him would not get the satisfaction of watching him die.
i'm liking that print more an more.
and i've been painting and writing and studying all day.
vitamin D and the work of Banks Violette.
i am spinning gloriously and reverently and just so damn full of questions and sentences and images. my brain is jerking and throbbing. it feels like being in love. it is being in love.
i'm liking that print more an more.
and i've been painting and writing and studying all day.
vitamin D and the work of Banks Violette.
i am spinning gloriously and reverently and just so damn full of questions and sentences and images. my brain is jerking and throbbing. it feels like being in love. it is being in love.
Oct 10, 2008
getting girly with Redoute and Lynne Leegte...
giving in to my girly side more and more these days and having a ton of fun doing so...
untitled (redoute study)
30" x 22"
graphite, gouache, and acrylic on paper
2008
i've always loved the print work of Redoute and this piece was done very much as an homage. i love his work (especially the roses suite) and just wanted to honor him as an influence. besides, doing this kind of work every now and then is a welcome vacation from the ideas i'm normally involved in. it's good to take a step back sometimes... away from the dreary and toward the beauty in art (and life).
and i really love this color paint! i've loved it from the instant i saw it and actively seek reasons to use it: micaceous iron oxide (GOLDEN makes it). the paint is so infused with light and sparkle that the color shifts between so many different gorgeous hues of grey. paired with the velvet matte finish of gouache and graphite, it is absolutely beautiful. these pictures do almost no justice to the real thing.
and speaking of beautiful...
ophelia
2006
i stumbled across the work of lynne leegte the other day and it left me speechless. it is so thoughtful, so well executed and lovely that she became an instant hero. seriously, how gorgeous is this work! she's amazing. AND she does installation (sigh) which i adore beyond all reason.
and sadly, i ran out of the beautiful chocolate glitter i'm using on the print edition. right at the end, 3 more to go, and the project comes to a stand still. boo!
untitled (redoute study)
30" x 22"
graphite, gouache, and acrylic on paper
2008
i've always loved the print work of Redoute and this piece was done very much as an homage. i love his work (especially the roses suite) and just wanted to honor him as an influence. besides, doing this kind of work every now and then is a welcome vacation from the ideas i'm normally involved in. it's good to take a step back sometimes... away from the dreary and toward the beauty in art (and life).
and i really love this color paint! i've loved it from the instant i saw it and actively seek reasons to use it: micaceous iron oxide (GOLDEN makes it). the paint is so infused with light and sparkle that the color shifts between so many different gorgeous hues of grey. paired with the velvet matte finish of gouache and graphite, it is absolutely beautiful. these pictures do almost no justice to the real thing.
and speaking of beautiful...
ophelia
2006
i stumbled across the work of lynne leegte the other day and it left me speechless. it is so thoughtful, so well executed and lovely that she became an instant hero. seriously, how gorgeous is this work! she's amazing. AND she does installation (sigh) which i adore beyond all reason.
and sadly, i ran out of the beautiful chocolate glitter i'm using on the print edition. right at the end, 3 more to go, and the project comes to a stand still. boo!
Oct 8, 2008
poems, painting, and the problem of memory...
i've spent the day so far (up since 4:30 am) alternating between painting and reading the complete poems of anne sexton... which means i have also been alternating between moments of exquisite joy and the torture of reliving old, bad memories. nevertheless, a wonderful day!
the oil paintings are coming along quite nicely and should be finished sometime during the next 2 weeks. i also started a new canvas based on this study:
study for 'the fall'
11" x 7 1/2"
acrylic and graphite on paper
2008
the canvas is 3 feet square (so it'll be a few weeks before i'm done) and so much fun to work on. i've been wrapped up in smaller works on paper for weeks now and it feels wonderful to go big.
this image is largely inspired by another painting i'm working on for rana kelly's 'witch of the bayou'. i'm still so struck by her story that i feel compelled to respond to it visually. the task will be to do the story justice. the paintings need to be thoughtful. they need to mirror how gruesome, how beautiful, and how haunting the story is.
the oil paintings are coming along quite nicely and should be finished sometime during the next 2 weeks. i also started a new canvas based on this study:
study for 'the fall'
11" x 7 1/2"
acrylic and graphite on paper
2008
the canvas is 3 feet square (so it'll be a few weeks before i'm done) and so much fun to work on. i've been wrapped up in smaller works on paper for weeks now and it feels wonderful to go big.
this image is largely inspired by another painting i'm working on for rana kelly's 'witch of the bayou'. i'm still so struck by her story that i feel compelled to respond to it visually. the task will be to do the story justice. the paintings need to be thoughtful. they need to mirror how gruesome, how beautiful, and how haunting the story is.
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