the adventure is here

anne is taking me to the airport in a half hour. 

holy shit.


HOLY SHIT.





see you on the other side of this wild dream.

i love you. 

angela

...a soldier to my own emptiness...

.

 

okay, so i didn't buy a red dress, i bought a blue dress. :)

red is so specific.  i was looking for a fire engine red dress but the closest thing i found was some crazy shade of coral which, though i like the color, was made of such cheap knit that it unmistakably showcased my unmentionables.  and hey, i admit to being okay with looking a little slutty but this wasn't in that good way.  and the only other "red" dress around was maroon.  maroon is categorically NOT RED.  but i was there and eager to shop; excited for my trip and feeling spunky.  this is, in fact, the grand side-effect of The Kelly Bundy Dress.  as well as having two plane tickets, a train ticket, and a concert ticket in my hot little hand.  5 more days!!!!!  AHHHHHHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!  and so amidst the Beyonce that blared from the store's stereo system and the excitement in my own heart and mind, i decided turquoise was the next best thing to red so here we are-  packed and ready for adventure, a devil with a blue dress on. 

i'm gonna see this wide world, mama.  

sure the fuck am.  :)

leave nothing on these streets to explore.

i have never felt so happy in my entire life.


.

the countdown begins...

.

 

a mere 8 days stand between me and my adventure.  or maybe the adventure is (and has always been) well under way.  it is, in fact, the life that came before that has made me capable of living bravely now.  i am ecstatic and discombobulated and so entirely grateful.  my bag is packed and waiting.  i'm thankful that i have a few more days at work to keep me occupied and make a bit more money to throw around in new york and berlin.  otherwise, i'd just be a total basket-case right now pacing in the kitchen and waiting for the morning when i get to board my plane.  it's almost all i can think about at this point.  :)

i'll leave an hour early for work today to stop off and buy a red Kelly Bundy dress to wear during my travels.  i feel a red dress is absolutely necessary.  especially a tight one. :)  red lipstick is, of course, an undisputed travel requirement as well.  and this morning, Becca and i texted excitedly back and forth to each other about how inexplicable and wonderful and TOTALLY UNBELIEVABLE this whole thing is.  regardless of what happens, this will definitely be an eye-opening, life-changing event in both our lives and i feel so excited to be on the cusp of it.  excited and lucky.  

i can't believe this is my REAL life.  but it IS!  

the feeling of being Capable is one of the best feelings in the world.  it is my hope that, regardless of a woman's life or dreams, she feel Capable.  it is the very root of genuine happiness, courage, and self-respect. 

satisfaction is a wonderful feeling

.

romance.


and last night while walking in the cold, cold wind in san francisco, i realized no one has ever provided for me as well as i provide for myself.  i must somehow allow myself at least a short moment to feel proud of myself and the life i am creating.  these dreams once seemed so far out of reach...  impossible to believe ever coming true.  here i am with a passport and plane tickets with my name on them.  BIG MIDDLE FINGER TO ALL THE PEOPLE WHO SAID MY GOALS WERE STUPID AND UNREALISTIC. 

smiling so big right now.  :D 


hahahahaaa!  and i cannot help but giggle to myself.  i know i still have 3 1/2 weeks to wait until i board my plane to New York but it's going to fly by and my excitement is building building building.  Becca and i will rendezvous at her favorite restaurant in the village 2 days before we get on another plane to Heathrow Airport.  i'm trying not to get misty eyed just thinking of it now.  i'm trying not to get too far ahead of myself.  i have absolutely no idea what to expect but i can't wait to grab my bag and let this adventure begin.  yesterday, i played tourist in SF and bought the bag i will live out of for a month.  bright yellow in honor of my long lost Bumble Bug.  i loved that little car so much but the life that awaits is one in which owning a car is totally unnecessary.  it's unnecessary now.  i love that i live in such a way that allows me to enjoy the romance of riding trains daily.  and aside from which, me and my converse get around just fine.   ;) 

artist life.

HOLY SHIT!

living the dream, baby!

it's been a wild week.  i'm full of stories and secrets, full of dreams and experiences, full of the knowledge that the best thing a person can accomplish in this life is Being Oneself.  i feel like Myself more and more.  i make less excuses and fewer apologies.  i simply smile and enjoy my time.  and in spite of my silence this passed week here, i've been writing like crazy.  my brother sent me a fantastic text message the other day telling me that he really enjoys my drunken writing here on the blog and that he thinks i should compile it and write a book.  it definitely warms me up in an indescribably way to know that people appreciate my work, but it is uniquely comforting to know my brother appreciates it and finds value in what i'm trying to say.  in some ways i'm trying to speak for all of us -  myself and my siblings - and to lay down a document of pain that may work as a cure.  i believe that the act itself of Telling can go beyond the therapeutic and bring about a reckoning.  i feel so transported sometimes, so changed by the act of writing.  i feel myself Becoming more and more who i know myself to be.  the core of me becomes more evident, more available, less shameful, less scary.  i learn, again, how to expose myself courageously. 

i've spent the morning drinking coffee, doing laundry, scribbling in my diary and thinking about what i need to pack for my return trip to New York.  i fly out tonight and land at JFK at 6am tomorrow morning.  i can't believe i'm already going back.  that came up quick!  it doesn't feel real and won't feel real until i'm staring at the lights of our most spectacular city from the cabin window of an airplane.  it'll be interesting to be there so soon after the hurricane.  i have no idea what to expect.  i know New Yorkers are on top of their shit and i'm sure the city isn't nearly as fucked up as it was last week but, i mean, it was a hurricane!  i think of Staten Island and my chest goes tight.  i hold my breath.  i'll see it for myself soon enough. 

and so i'll be off the grid for a week, off exploring and dancing and writing.  i'll pack as lightly as i can get away with and concentrate mainly on writing as much as i can make time for and taking a few more pictures than i did last time.  my friend annie is meeting me in Chelsea.  it's her first visit to NYC and i am so fucking excited to be there with her.  a fellow server at the restaurant, upon hearing that she and i would be in New York together, shook his head and said: you guys are gonna get arrested. ha!

i promise to not get arrested.  ;)

all my love,
angela

the hurricane makes my heart ache...

this ugly girl wishes she were there with you in the dark and the wind and the rain...

images from trip #1