agony

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what beauty have i lost?  what beauty have i forsaken???  goddamn it!  i mean, shit, Angela!  what the fuck with your clumsy ass???!!!  i fucking lost the last month's diary in a rental car today.  jesus christ!  my head is spinning.  if not for being drunk, i'd be an inconsolable mess and i'm goddamn serious.  those pages are my life.  they are not eloquent, they are entirely messy and full of slang and all sorts of ill-manner of expression but those expressions are MINE and they are GONE.  i carry my diary with me everywhere.  everywhere.  i need the notebook with me, bouncing against my hip in my tote bag.  i need it.  i NEED it and it's gone.

i can let go.  i can say it doesn't matter.  i can shrug and tell myself , "it's just a thing, little girl.  things don't matter."  but between those black and white speckled covers rests the description of the morning with X when he spoke with his young son...  his small voice radiating from the receiver in to the air of the hotel room while his father lay next to me, naked, caressing my shoulder, as his southern accent filled the room, calling his boy "baby"  and "precious".  such unmistakable, unarguable beauty.  such love.  this father, this son.  and this lowly girl, this stupid, inept, aching woman at his side...  so awestruck by the reality that such a love can exist...  a love my father never felt for me...  yet instantly recognizable to my eyes, to my ears, to my heart ...   it was a moment of such total, clear, undeniable beauty that two days later my heart broke under the weight of such a memory...  a memory i will gladly bleed for and writhe under in pain; a memory i will gladly suffer to keep.  i am blessed to have had that moment.  two hours tops in a hotel room one morning in november...  lost in the contents of my diary, motherfucking LOST!  i hate myself so fucking much right now i have no words!  i have no words. I HAVE NO WORDS because someone out there has my motherfucking diary in their hands and, hoping they love it as i do, i have to find a way to wake up tomorrow morning, make coffee, and write on loose leaf paper.  i want to fucking vomit all over myself right now.  i cannot believe this happened.  rushing, rushing, trying to return the car on time, my precious notebook slipped from my bag and somehow i didn't notice.  FUCK ME!!!  GODDAMN IT!!!

if you rented the zipcar "hot pants" from the chevron on telegraph avenue tonight and found my diary, please contact me.  please please please!!!! angelasimione at aol dot com

thank you and i love you forever.


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the adventure is here

anne is taking me to the airport in a half hour. 

holy shit.


HOLY SHIT.





see you on the other side of this wild dream.

i love you. 

angela

satisfaction is a wonderful feeling

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romance.


and last night while walking in the cold, cold wind in san francisco, i realized no one has ever provided for me as well as i provide for myself.  i must somehow allow myself at least a short moment to feel proud of myself and the life i am creating.  these dreams once seemed so far out of reach...  impossible to believe ever coming true.  here i am with a passport and plane tickets with my name on them.  BIG MIDDLE FINGER TO ALL THE PEOPLE WHO SAID MY GOALS WERE STUPID AND UNREALISTIC. 

smiling so big right now.  :D 


hahahahaaa!  and i cannot help but giggle to myself.  i know i still have 3 1/2 weeks to wait until i board my plane to New York but it's going to fly by and my excitement is building building building.  Becca and i will rendezvous at her favorite restaurant in the village 2 days before we get on another plane to Heathrow Airport.  i'm trying not to get misty eyed just thinking of it now.  i'm trying not to get too far ahead of myself.  i have absolutely no idea what to expect but i can't wait to grab my bag and let this adventure begin.  yesterday, i played tourist in SF and bought the bag i will live out of for a month.  bright yellow in honor of my long lost Bumble Bug.  i loved that little car so much but the life that awaits is one in which owning a car is totally unnecessary.  it's unnecessary now.  i love that i live in such a way that allows me to enjoy the romance of riding trains daily.  and aside from which, me and my converse get around just fine.   ;) 

artist life.

HOLY SHIT!

whatever you do, don't pinch me

at a quarter to 2 in the morning, we pulled the trigger. we bought our tickets to Europe.  Becca and i are going to Berlin.  7 weeks to wait.

my mind bends in half at the thought of this. i can't believe i have a ticket with my name on it that will take me all the way to Germany.  i am stunned when i think of it.  it can't possibly be real but IT IS REAL. 

holy shit! hahahahaaaaa!  

today i was all in a frenzy: studying and cleaning and filling a box with clothes and objects i no longer want which will be left on the street in front of the house.  something has changed in my life and within my being already and i haven't even gone anywhere yet.  simply buying the ticket and accepting the massive and beautiful reality that i am finally going to travel to Europe changes so much.  my being is a strange mix of such a deep calm and tremendous excitement.  i have no clue what to even say!  i have no clue what to think!  i'm just going to work on a yarn bomb and have a cocktail and watch "Wings of Desire".  ha!