something to keep you warm while i'm gone...

.

a poem and a song:



keep your guard up, little one.  the fire is here.  it's already at the foot of the bed.  keep your eyes opened wide, little one, and be ready to jump. be ready to run. be ready to lie to their immaculate faces in response to the damage they have done.  Truth has the benefit of being historically endorsed, he tells me, but maybe if we look close enough we will see there are also positive attributes and outcomes from the telling of lies. then he held me tightly to him in the white bed.  the fire was at my feet.  he said LOOK AT ME.  he remembered then something i'd said the night before about wanting to have my face slapped and up went his hand.  keep your guard up, little one, you've already taught him now how to love you.  keep your guard up, little one, you've told on yourself.  your secrets are hanging half-way out.  put your tongue back in his mouth, whatever it takes to keep you from talking, whatever it takes to keep you from confessing.  confession is the alter of love.  keep at a safe distance.  that isn't what we've come here for.  back up.   watch him, if you will, swell inch by massive inch and don't let go of the beauty of this impressive view.  high and hard, little one, keep your guard up. keep your eyes opened wide.  keep your tongue out.  don't blink and don't explain a fucking thing.

Die Frauen sind sehr lieblich.

i've been listening to this song for days and days...

Meine gute Freundin Freya schickt das Leid zu mir.  Ich liebe das so veil.  Mein Hertz brecht.  Wenn ich das Leid hore, schuttet meinen Hertz das Traurigkeit aus.

i feel so thankful for her friendship.  when she sent it to me, i felt seen...  the hidden parts of me, known.  my eyes and heart tremble.  i feel full of both longing and hope.  i pull my sweater over my head and walk in the cold.  the dark of these streets become such a comfort.  i look at the lonely lights hanging high above my head and the fast flash of cars speeding by.  i wish for so many unnameable things...

unnameable only because i don't yet have the courage to bang out the letters on a public stage.  the names are well known in the pages of my diary and in the ears of friends.

i wore the black dress to the art opening and had an amazing time.  my sweet san francisco girls came and hugged me and i felt so honored.  i haven't seen their sweet faces in over 7 months.  i've been off building this little life of mine and they've been entirely patient, entirely supportive.  i have a bad habit of cloistering myself and going silent when there's work that needs to be done.  i burrow down in to the task at hand and i hold my breath and go go go.  but i feel they must know my heart.  they must know i was busy with the strange work of repairing my Self and my ability to fight and to believe in the existence of something better than what i've had.  a better life grows ever greener and bolder these days and i hope they know how integral they have been to the birth of my independence.  if not for your belief in me, friends, i could've have pulled the trigger.

and so i hugged everyone as much as i could and laughed and smiled and caught up on as much as we could in the short time we had.  my skulls stared down from the tall white walls and kept safe watch over our exploits.  i didn't realize how short my dress was until my friend monika put a few pictures on facebook.  i'm pretty sure that when i wrapped my arms around the necks of friends i inadvertently flashed my ass at whomever was standing behind me.  you're welcome.  :)

 the show is up for a month so make a plan to go see it.  you'll love everything you see.  especially the treasures in kate's cases. GO.