...a soldier to my own emptiness...

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okay, so i didn't buy a red dress, i bought a blue dress. :)

red is so specific.  i was looking for a fire engine red dress but the closest thing i found was some crazy shade of coral which, though i like the color, was made of such cheap knit that it unmistakably showcased my unmentionables.  and hey, i admit to being okay with looking a little slutty but this wasn't in that good way.  and the only other "red" dress around was maroon.  maroon is categorically NOT RED.  but i was there and eager to shop; excited for my trip and feeling spunky.  this is, in fact, the grand side-effect of The Kelly Bundy Dress.  as well as having two plane tickets, a train ticket, and a concert ticket in my hot little hand.  5 more days!!!!!  AHHHHHHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!  and so amidst the Beyonce that blared from the store's stereo system and the excitement in my own heart and mind, i decided turquoise was the next best thing to red so here we are-  packed and ready for adventure, a devil with a blue dress on. 

i'm gonna see this wide world, mama.  

sure the fuck am.  :)

leave nothing on these streets to explore.

i have never felt so happy in my entire life.


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the countdown begins...

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a mere 8 days stand between me and my adventure.  or maybe the adventure is (and has always been) well under way.  it is, in fact, the life that came before that has made me capable of living bravely now.  i am ecstatic and discombobulated and so entirely grateful.  my bag is packed and waiting.  i'm thankful that i have a few more days at work to keep me occupied and make a bit more money to throw around in new york and berlin.  otherwise, i'd just be a total basket-case right now pacing in the kitchen and waiting for the morning when i get to board my plane.  it's almost all i can think about at this point.  :)

i'll leave an hour early for work today to stop off and buy a red Kelly Bundy dress to wear during my travels.  i feel a red dress is absolutely necessary.  especially a tight one. :)  red lipstick is, of course, an undisputed travel requirement as well.  and this morning, Becca and i texted excitedly back and forth to each other about how inexplicable and wonderful and TOTALLY UNBELIEVABLE this whole thing is.  regardless of what happens, this will definitely be an eye-opening, life-changing event in both our lives and i feel so excited to be on the cusp of it.  excited and lucky.  

i can't believe this is my REAL life.  but it IS!  

the feeling of being Capable is one of the best feelings in the world.  it is my hope that, regardless of a woman's life or dreams, she feel Capable.  it is the very root of genuine happiness, courage, and self-respect. 

strange and beautiful

i rescued all of my books from my storage unit today.  10 boxes.  i have not yet unpacked them.  i need to by a bookcase.  i open each one and peer in.  a time-capsule, each and every one.  i open the cardboard flaps and read the titles: my loves! here is "A Lover's Discourse", here is "Ariel", here is "With Deer".  i paw through and find the black ceramic cups i made 2 years ago in Santa Rosa.  odd to hold them... an artifact.  in some ways, it is like holding a different person's objects...  or how one feels when one picks up a relic from one's childhood.  Childhood!!!  i have the entire collection of The Munch Bunch books!  here!  now! they are currently in my kitchen!  does anyone else have these????  these books and my white teddy bear are the only relics of my childhood i have left.  it is strange to see them.. strange to hold them...  to hold them and wonder what might have been.  what might have been if our parents were ready to be parents...  what might have been if we'd ever really been considered...

but i am not sad and don't mean to usher in a somber tone.  not at all.  i am more in a state of Wonder than anything else.  days come and go.  i look at the sky.  i write.  i take pictures.  i look at my hands.  and now, i can turn books over in my hands, smell their spines and leaf through them as if each second were an hour, as if each second were a lifetime.  bibles, all of them. 

looking at these boxes i know that i can't cart all of this into my future.  i'll have to make the hard decision (soon) to sell most of these volumes.  there's simply to way to transport such a mass in to my next phase of life.  it's a LIBRARY!  and i have no clue where to begin. 

i left picture frames on the side of the road today and they were gone within the hour.

and then dinner with my beautiful friend Trish this evening.  when she dropped me back off at my house i told her that not a single member of my mother's family called me over the holidays.  not one.  this may or may not have something to do with the fact that i swear.  rumour has it that my dropping of an F-Bomb on my sister's Facebook page caused quite an upset.  and so:  silence.  me.  my mother's eldest and without any other parent.  orphan.  and despite all that, a grown ass woman. 

well now...

guess whose religion is glaring?  not mine. 

Trish hugged me and reminded me that we can make new families.  everywhere we go.  it comforted me to know that maybe the disappointment i've known is not the entire story.  maybe there are people in the world who are capable of a deeper love than what i've experienced.  maybe there are people who mean what they say.

in 2 1/2 weeks i'll be back in my beloved New York.  i'll bring a backpack and nothing else.  a change of jeans, two t shirts, socks.  i'll have 5 days to explore the museums and galleries i've yet to enter.  i'll have 5 days to eat at good restaurants and drink in wild bars.  i'll have 5 days reprieve from giving a fuck if anyone understands me or loves me.  i'll write and walk the High Line and meander through the beautiful Bowery.  and until then, i have my wealth of books to keep me company, the greatest of which being 4 years of volumes of my diary.  geez.  what a world made entirely of ink and commitment. 

a new season scratches at my cheeks

i am always catching the last train home.  in my neck of the woods that means i need to get my ass to the station by midnight.  tonight, as i sat sprawled in the powder blue seat and gazed at the interior of the empty train car i alone occupied, i thought, "i don't think the trains in New York are ever this private".

i've been missing New York a lot lately.  so much, in fact, that this evening at work i requested some time off in late april to go back for a few days.  and this time it won't be to get rowdy, though i'm sure there will be a bit of that too.  museums by day and LES bars by night.  primarily though, i want to go and look around with a serious eye.  the ache in me to walk those beautiful streets throbs something awful.  i miss the way the air moves there.  i miss the sound of all that hustle. 

the last few weeks it has been very hard for me to ignore the fact that i am in definite need of a change of scenery.  in august, it will be 8 years that i've lived in the Bay Area. and even though i'm working and taking classes, making progress in my personal endeavors, the fact remains that i'm sort of just hanging out.  i don't plan to or want to go to grad school here.  my two american dream schools are Columbia University and UCLA.  what am i doing farting around in oaktown for?  i can wait tables and make art anywhere.  i have a good job but it's nothing to plan my future around.

the last year was largely about figuring out how to give myself permission to live life again, to be wild and unruly if i needed and not beat myself up about it, to be myself without apology.  i'm so tired of this horrible instinct toward guilt that was instilled in me as a child.  any time i begin to think of my own dreams or what it takes for my to feel happy an fulfilled, the accusation of SELFISH SELFISH SELFISH resounds in my ears. it's no way to live.  not if one actually wants to do something beautiful with the short time one is allotted on this rock.  i've learned how to put that knowledge in to action.  it's time, again, to grow and explore.  it's time, again, to welcome discomfort and create the situation of sink-or-swim.  i tend to be at my finest in those dire moments.  if the choices i am presented with are to fail or to shine, i always shine.

and so the decision is made.  for my birthday this year i will relocate.  september 3rd is the mark.  from here on out all i can do is work, work, work and save, save, save.  if i can get it done before my birthday, even better.  a new adventure is on it's way.