these texts are an archive of my life in the San Francisco Bay Area from march 2007 - march 2015. it stands as a record of close to a decade of my life, charting the struggles i faced as an artist, daughter, and lover. messy and chaotic at times, eloquent and poetic at others, these texts are an index i am proud of. it was here in this electric box that i learned how to be honest about my experiences and the person i needed to become. it was here that i first learned the truism that words make the world and how to trust such a beautiful, rife, hard fact.

thank you for meeting me here in such tall grass.

my artist website is here.

Mar 9, 2013

a new season scratches at my cheeks

i am always catching the last train home.  in my neck of the woods that means i need to get my ass to the station by midnight.  tonight, as i sat sprawled in the powder blue seat and gazed at the interior of the empty train car i alone occupied, i thought, "i don't think the trains in New York are ever this private".

i've been missing New York a lot lately.  so much, in fact, that this evening at work i requested some time off in late april to go back for a few days.  and this time it won't be to get rowdy, though i'm sure there will be a bit of that too.  museums by day and LES bars by night.  primarily though, i want to go and look around with a serious eye.  the ache in me to walk those beautiful streets throbs something awful.  i miss the way the air moves there.  i miss the sound of all that hustle. 

the last few weeks it has been very hard for me to ignore the fact that i am in definite need of a change of scenery.  in august, it will be 8 years that i've lived in the Bay Area. and even though i'm working and taking classes, making progress in my personal endeavors, the fact remains that i'm sort of just hanging out.  i don't plan to or want to go to grad school here.  my two american dream schools are Columbia University and UCLA.  what am i doing farting around in oaktown for?  i can wait tables and make art anywhere.  i have a good job but it's nothing to plan my future around.

the last year was largely about figuring out how to give myself permission to live life again, to be wild and unruly if i needed and not beat myself up about it, to be myself without apology.  i'm so tired of this horrible instinct toward guilt that was instilled in me as a child.  any time i begin to think of my own dreams or what it takes for my to feel happy an fulfilled, the accusation of SELFISH SELFISH SELFISH resounds in my ears. it's no way to live.  not if one actually wants to do something beautiful with the short time one is allotted on this rock.  i've learned how to put that knowledge in to action.  it's time, again, to grow and explore.  it's time, again, to welcome discomfort and create the situation of sink-or-swim.  i tend to be at my finest in those dire moments.  if the choices i am presented with are to fail or to shine, i always shine.

and so the decision is made.  for my birthday this year i will relocate.  september 3rd is the mark.  from here on out all i can do is work, work, work and save, save, save.  if i can get it done before my birthday, even better.  a new adventure is on it's way.

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