in progress

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i spent the majority of the day at home in bed with a cup of coffee and my crochet hook.  i listened to french phonetics and repeated the words as i stitched away and wondered about myself and the life i've been creating vs. the life i want to create...

the way you (i) need to be loved...


i rounded the corner in to my 33rd year on september 3rd and seemed to instantly smack right into a new realm of self-knowledge like a fucking brick wall.  i spent the day after my birthday mildly hungover, a bit forlorn, more than a bit worse for wear, and wearing the same dress i had worn the day before to one of my french classes.  i fared well, all things considered, and had a great time in class (maybe being a bit brain dead even helped me absorb all the new information and sounds contained in this new language) but felt the closing of an era shake within me...  or at least the need to bring an era to an end.

when i first became single a year and a half ago, i needed to live brashly.  i needed to embrace my new freedom in a fiery, even outlandish, way.  it was healing to do so and provided me with so many opportunities to see the world (and myself) in a new way, in a truer light, and without the bad habit of judgement and fear that so easily pollutes us all.  it helped me shake off the expectations and hurt left over from a long-term relationship.  that strange residue of pain, of unfulfillment and goals left to die.  sometimes the death of a dream is more painful that the actual death of a loved one.  it is hard to watch a fairytale fall in to disrepair.  it is hard to watch a fairytale turn to total shit.  it's even harder to not let the experience embitter you.  i needed to be a bit wild for a time in order to heal from the effects of drudgery and heartbreak.  i needed to reclaim something about myself that i'd given up along the way.  but now, it's beginning to feel like the things that once provided me with a sense of healing are now becoming damaging.  excessive in a way that does not lead to a greater sense of freedom and independence, but to a flippant attitude...  a callous form of casualness that i absolutely do not want to adopt.  i do not want to be Charles Bukowski, waking up to 300 hangovers a year, and wading through an endless barrage of damaged human beings and semi-meaningless experiences in an effort to combat the loneliness inherent to human existence. it is true that maybe my sense of loneliness is bigger than others, but i must learn how to bare it in a new way.  i need to return to the work of devotion and exploration.  i need to attempt to learn the difference between Bravery and Excess.  both have their values and nuances but one should not be mistaken for the other.  i have clung to beliefs and images of the world and life that perhaps i've outgrown.  i crave a new sense of balance, a new expression of freedom, a new way to achieve comfort.  i return to my hooks and books and the love i feel for bigger, better things than what i've allowed myself. 

how do i need to be loved?


if i can manage to focus on that question, 33 will be a great year.

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HAPPY BIRTHDAY, JEAN GENET!

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HAPPY 104th BIRTHDAY, FRIDA!!!!

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:)

ahhhhhhh. the long weekend is behind us (and what a beautiful weekend it was), and a short week is ahead of us. and good thing- i am worrrrrn out! on friday, 2 very close friends of mine from back home showed up on my doorstep! SURPRISE!!!! ahahahahah! and it was the most wonderful birthday surprise ever. we stayed up late, drank a ton of chai tea, and laughed our heads off for two days. absolutely wonderful!

i miss living in the same town as they do - it's 500 miles between their front door and mine - and having them here in my home was such a big gift. they went around my small home and looked at all the art (it's jam packed in here these days), and ohhhed and ahhhhed at all the work, pointed out their favorites, and told me what the images conjured up for them. i love hearing that kind of stuff- how a piece activates someone else's memory and experience. and we talked a lot about moving in to the 30s: how everyone i know tells me that it is a wonderful decade of living. especially for women. a time when we really start coming in to our own and develop a deep sense of self-assurance, resolve, and fire. a time when life really starts taking off. and i've been sensing that that's the case for at least a year now- becoming more bold, more brave, more secure in my own ideas and desires and needs.

when they left on sunday, i got teary eyed for sure. i miss those days when i could just call them up and ask what they were doing after work, pop on by, and stay up late giggling. friends are a beautiful thing. and GOOD friends are gorgeous and stunning and priceless. i made sure they left with a piece of art to love. truly: it's the least i can do for these two. :)

and now here we are at tuesday. i'm planning an fairly easy week for myself. the BIG 3.5 mile RUN every day for the next 4 days, lots of reading, and lots of drawing in bed. that's it. and maybe doing a few dishes every now and then. i've been working on a secret series of drawings for the passed few weeks and i finally hit the half-way mark last week. i want to pick up a bit more steam and get the project finished up as quickly as possible because it is giving rise to a ton of great ideas.

lately, i've been feeling the need to work very fast, not get hung up by perfectionism at all. just do my best, take what i've learned, and keep moving. when i am snared in a whirlpool of ideas is when i feel the most alive. the happiest and warmest.

YO! I'M AN 80s BABY!!!! DANCE I SAID! IT'S MY BIRTHDAY!!!!

in, and with, honor

today is my brother's birthday and my birthday is on friday.

when we were kids, more often than not, we'd celebrate our birthdays together. two birds, one stone = two kids, one cake. :) and even though i didn't really like that at the time, the memory is very sweet now.

a few weeks ago, my brother started a conversation about the importance of trying, in any small way, to make this week somehow different than all the weeks that have come and gone. the blur of time and routine. and he made a charge to hold that as a weekly goal.

and we talked about how reading a book or taking a walk is very much a political act these days. every choice endorses a particular way of life. how a person chooses to spend their time states a preference about what a person values. and making those choices thoughtfully gives rise to positive action. as a form of Resistance to the deep level of consumerism/greed that our nation currently resides in, taking a walk or sitting on the floor of a used book store and reading some poetry for free is a very good way to begin. while i'm doing these things i'm outside the nagging feeling of Powerlessness. i'm outside that circle of defeat. instead, i begin struggling toward a deeper faith. faith in anything. faith in everything. but faith nonetheless. my conscious comes forward and i can look at the world through a new lens that encompasses compassion and realizes the need to keep sight of what Nietzsche said:

Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the process he does not become a monster.


or this statement by Albert Schweitzer:

Example is not the main thing in influencing others. It is the only thing.


these are very hard things to do. very. but the attempt toward maintaining one's honor and personal values in the face of anger and outrage is so so so important. there is a heavy wind of angry blame blowing across our country. maybe it has always been there but, the current level of hate-mongering that seems to have become permissible (if not outright acceptable), is scary to me. it is alarming to me. and it has taken a huge amount of personal strength to not fire back at people who practice hate speech (in whatever form).

it's one reason why i was so quiet on my blog last week. i've been trying to swallow my own advice and apply it.

and so today, in honor of my brother's birthday and the massive triumph he has accomplished in overcoming our personal past, the fact he IS a self-made man who employs an inspiring amount of dedication toward the goals he has chosen for himself, i will undertake the huge 3.5 mile run this morning. when i come home, i will eat a healthy breakfast of fruit and greek yogurt, i will get back to my work, i will draw and write and read and learn something. learn anything. and i will make a conscious sustained effort to not inadvertently practice (and thereby endorse) modes of interaction that i find to be unethical, abusive, and yep immoral.

blame is a superficial emotion. guilt does not require blame in order to exist. and anger is not wrong or bad- it is how a person chooses to express it that is either positive, negative, or of no consequence whatsoever. i will choose to express my anger by focusing my attention on my own morality and see where I missed the mark... find the place where I slipped, look for the site of improvement that exists within myself and take action there.

my brother is 32 today. on friday i'll be 30. :) i am looking forward to this new number in particular. i'm enjoying seeing a grown-up Womanhood take hold of my body and mind. i'm enjoying noticing how i am coming in to my own now. i'm enjoying seeing my brother grow and change and become stronger and more and more dedicated to ethics. i'm enjoying figuring out how to blend lived experience with theory and philosophy and the creative impulse. and, for however hard it is to accomplish, i enjoy the charge to somehow make this week of my life different from all the others. i can start by making myself, my inner world, a bit different. to make my insides match my outsides and vice versa. to live what i believe. and to choose what i believe with care, love, and lots of self-examination.

happy birthday, andy. i love you and i am so proud of you.