i spent the majority of the day at home in bed with a cup of coffee and my crochet hook. i listened to french phonetics and repeated the words as i stitched away and wondered about myself and the life i've been creating vs. the life i want to create...
the way you (i) need to be loved...
i rounded the corner in to my 33rd year on september 3rd and seemed to instantly smack right into a new realm of self-knowledge like a fucking brick wall. i spent the day after my birthday mildly hungover, a bit forlorn, more than a bit worse for wear, and wearing the same dress i had worn the day before to one of my french classes. i fared well, all things considered, and had a great time in class (maybe being a bit brain dead even helped me absorb all the new information and sounds contained in this new language) but felt the closing of an era shake within me... or at least the need to bring an era to an end.
when i first became single a year and a half ago, i needed to live brashly. i needed to embrace my new freedom in a fiery, even outlandish, way. it was healing to do so and provided me with so many opportunities to see the world (and myself) in a new way, in a truer light, and without the bad habit of judgement and fear that so easily pollutes us all. it helped me shake off the expectations and hurt left over from a long-term relationship. that strange residue of pain, of unfulfillment and goals left to die. sometimes the death of a dream is more painful that the actual death of a loved one. it is hard to watch a fairytale fall in to disrepair. it is hard to watch a fairytale turn to total shit. it's even harder to not let the experience embitter you. i needed to be a bit wild for a time in order to heal from the effects of drudgery and heartbreak. i needed to reclaim something about myself that i'd given up along the way. but now, it's beginning to feel like the things that once provided me with a sense of healing are now becoming damaging. excessive in a way that does not lead to a greater sense of freedom and independence, but to a flippant attitude... a callous form of casualness that i absolutely do not want to adopt. i do not want to be Charles Bukowski, waking up to 300 hangovers a year, and wading through an endless barrage of damaged human beings and semi-meaningless experiences in an effort to combat the loneliness inherent to human existence. it is true that maybe my sense of loneliness is bigger than others, but i must learn how to bare it in a new way. i need to return to the work of devotion and exploration. i need to attempt to learn the difference between Bravery and Excess. both have their values and nuances but one should not be mistaken for the other. i have clung to beliefs and images of the world and life that perhaps i've outgrown. i crave a new sense of balance, a new expression of freedom, a new way to achieve comfort. i return to my hooks and books and the love i feel for bigger, better things than what i've allowed myself.
how do i need to be loved?
if i can manage to focus on that question, 33 will be a great year.