we two

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last night, we looked at the dark, wet streets together and he said, "i'll miss how beautiful it is here..."




i want to miss it too.

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trying not to count the days

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i am awake and alone inside a silent house.  the light is beautiful and i had no bad dreams.

i booked a room at The Jane in new york for a few days in mid october before heading up to Montreal and then back down to Vermont for the residency.  less than 2 weeks now until i board my plane.  last week, i was full of excited anxiety and it was incredibly hard to go to work. this week, i'm calm.  i'm trying not to think about it much, only in terms of what needs to be handled before i leave my life here in Oakland for 6 weeks-  the packages that need to be shipped, the day i'll need to spend at the DMV replacing my lost driver's license, bill payments that need to be scheduled, etc etc.  when i start thinking about anything beyond these types of regular responsibilities, my blood runs too hot too quickly and i return to that semi-afraid state of elation that finds me so easily at the mere mention of travel.

but this is more than travel.  this is Time.  it's been years since i've had the time to just curl up with a book for three days straight if i want to.  it's been years since i've had the time to curl up with a drawing for three days straight if i want to.  it's been years since i've been surrounded by other artists on a daily basis.  not since art school.  and i'll tell ya, hanging out with other artists is what i miss most about that experience.  it's one of the things i'm looking forward to most about going to this residency.  i'll be one of 50 artists and writers.  i'm so excited for the conversations that we're going to have. 

i've been reading Keith Haring's journals the last few days and his descriptions of art school, going to painting class and poetry readings, putting together shows, and his own ideas about his practice are so intoxicating.  i revel in it.  i turn the pages hungrily, grateful for each word and insight.  i'm comforted by his texts, so full of casual language.  that's how i write in my diary.  i am no Anais Nin.  my eloquence finds me after a flood of slang and swear words.  i've always sort of felt bad that my diary is not a place of eloquence.  until now.  perhaps the eloquence is simply of a different variety?  perhaps my aims are totally different, totally my own.  i'm looking forward to traveling with Keith Haring's diary pressed against mine, two of the best travel companions i can think of.  i'm looking forward to walking around new york city and seeing the places he describes in these pages.  those that are still there.  i'm looking forward to going to the Guggenheim for the first time and central park.  funny i've yet to do such quintessentially new york things on past visits. 

but there i go dreaming. :) 

it's important to me to stay put in The Present the next 13 days.  i don't want to slide off into reverie just yet.  i want the realities that surround me.  i want to enjoy the peace and quiet of a slow morning at home before work.  i want to enjoy the sounds of the street and the screech of the train.  i want to enjoy walking in to a neighborhood bar at midnight after a long day at work and seeing my lover sitting on a bar stool waiting for me.  i want to see him turn and smile at me.  i want to hold his face in my hands and kiss it.  and i want to stay in that moment.  i want to laugh with him.  i want to laugh with my friends and fellow waiters and roommates.  i want to enjoy every single thing about the simple goodness of my life right this second and not slip off in to dreams.  the future will find me.  i am creating it.  there is no need today to loll inside such images. there is a need, instead, to be gratefully happy for the day i'm standing in. 

i am a very lucky girl. 

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out with the old

last night when i got home from work i made Dump Cake for dinner. my mother's recipe. i must get the one for no-bake cookies from her soon. these are things that i absolutely must learn. and the sooner the better.

we woke up and had more cake for breakfast. J made philly cheese steaks for dinner. i talked to my mom on the phone and then went through my closet yanking out things i haven't worn in two years, things i'll never wear again, and began a collection for the Goodwill. more than half my closet is in a big black garbage bag now, and a good portion of the contents of my dresser. it's funny the things we hold on to. the things we no longer need or even like. they are with us because that's their role. to stay in one place. to stay where we left them. to stay put and don't move. today i am picking them up and moving them out. may they find a better, more worthy abode. this is my christmas and i think it is a very good one. instead of adding, i am subtracting. and in between all this, i've been reading Repat Blues blog and scribbling in my notebook. as soon as we entered december i can't seem to spend enough time there. my notebook has become my real life. a chrysalis maybe.

lately i also can't seem to stop fantasizing about going blonde and wearing red lipstick and jo malone perfume. orange blossom or french lime. sometimes i walk through Neiman Marcus in Union Square just to stop and get a squirt of the stuff. the scent is so wonderful it borders on addictive. my friend scored a small vile for me and i can't stop smelling it. such an extravagance for me! i've been wearing it every day knowing how sad i'll be when i run out. i'll have to schedule walk-throughs at the department store again. ha!

there is just one week left on the calendar. i am amazed by that. what a swift pace this year kept.

tonight, we listen to the rain.

today...

i am following all the rules. i ate chicken noodle soup. i drank 4 very tall glasses of orange juice. i am wandering around the house, back and forth, back and forth, between rooms, out of sorts, distracted. and i keep fiddling with that short story thing of mine. someone stop me if i'm messing it up. but i guess that means it isn't finished... or maybe sick-days aren't the right days to do editing and re-working. my sweetie is giggling and shaking his head at me because i stop what i'm doing and move on to something else every 15 minutes. i'm on a circuit of unfinished projects and, at 15 minute intervals each, i'm not really getting much done. it's just the strange sweep of boredom that comes from being under the weather, from wanting to be healthy and trying to fake my way to it. i am fog-filled. my guts are grumbling and i wish the sun was still up. night comes much too quickly in winter. i'm happy that we are post-solstice and the days will be lengthening soon. long days of light and drawing on the living room floor and cutting out cloud shapes and tying them up in front of the windows. i am already dreaming of spring. dresses and wild hair and maybe even painted toenails.

hello november!

yesterday for halloween we actually went and looked at a house. yep. no realtor, just us, trespassing. it's a red log cabin tucked up against a mountain by the russian river. we drove over a huge old steel bridge to get to it and vineyards all around. the house has a black pot-belly wood-burning stove. we could make fires if we lived there. we could chop wood and go shopping for axes if we lived there. and the roof was pitched and beautiful. all the wood on the interior had been painted white and there were all those cute and cozy little built-in things- nooks! i love nooks! and in the tiny rear courtyard there was a claw foot bathtub - outside! - which was plumbed in! this is actually the major selling point with my sweetie- an excuse for outdoor nudity. ha! and being butted up against the mountains like that means no one would be the wiser anyway and my virtue would stay intact. :) we looked and looked and re-looked in all the windows, going around and around and around the house, peering and poking and tip-toeing just like little kids, just like the trespassers we are. we left our nose prints on every single window. we were there so long that i had to go around to the side of the house and pee. and we daydreamed the whole time we were there and for the rest of the day too. when i woke up this morning, my sweetie was looking at it online. :) very cute and so much fun to think about. i couldn't fall asleep to save my life last night. i was having way too much fun fantasizing about interior design and all that stuff. nesting, nesting, nesting. ha! i called the realtor and set up an appointment to view the home later this coming week. as long as the roof and foundation are sound and there's been no crazy pest damage, we're gonna put a bid in on it. first time buyers. our first real home. if we get it. but even if we don't, it makes my heart well up with love just dreaming of it. love for my sweetie, love for my life, for the life we're chasing, for inga, for her bouncing prancing self, our little kookie family and the drive to keep it happy, keep it safe, and to honor it with everything i've got.

just thinking about it, dreaming this way, makes me zone in on the fact that i am truly in love with a great many things. a pretty good little halloween.