return

i want to drink coffee every night between the hours of 10 and 12. a powerful craving hits and, most of the time, if i can at all manage to get away with it, i totally succumb. tonight, is no different. tonight is only unusual in that i actually got off work before 11pm and have the semblance of a free evening to spend as i choose. i had sushi with anne and then curled up in bed with my coffee and computer. 

i am in one of those phases of life again where Time itself seems like a fiction. the Past falls away from me and feels impossible. i look back at certain events and circumstances in disbelief. it seems incredibly unreal. all the lives i've lived before this one suddenly seem so foreign to me. this girl that i am today...  haven't i always been her?  maybe this girl was there behind the window pane all along simply waiting for me to gain enough strength to steady my heart and look her in the eyes.  i got back on the good road of Honesty and instantly retrieved a true sense of self.

i cut my hair. 6 inches off the length but it still falls to the middle of my back. i have fringe again. "change your hair, change your life" becca tells me and she's been absolutely right. i have an entirely new wardrobe. i have a storage unit that houses the old. and the only books i kept with me are german grammar books, the next volume of anais nin's diary i need to read, gina abelkop's poetry, and my great big book of francesca woodman's photographs. all my drawings, save for a few small skull portraits, are in storage too. i kept the sweaters with me though. they are my armor and are always near.  the most recent sweater, the blue one, came about as a result of pure nesseccity.  i needed to work and blue yarn was all i had.  it is hanging on the wall here in my white room, a flag of hope.

the world changed some months ago and this little electric land of mine went silent. i lived without a stable internet connection for just about 4 months. unheard of these days. there were times i'd go 8 straight days without being able to so much as check my email. but, as i fell out of step with the modernity of the rest of the world, i fell in step with an older aspect of myself. i began to believe in myself in an entire new way. or, perhaps, a way i once had but forgot how to summon forth. all the writing i did was private and shitty. all the writing, the feel of it, has been fantastic.

but the tap of the keys is a familiar song. i lean in to it. i fall in to its rhythm and don't question its rightness. i missed this place and the connections it can establish. i missed the dialouge with writers and artists. i missed the way we speak to each other here- a way that is so much more romantic than how we'd speak to each other's faces. i love the drama of it. the urgency.  i even love the emoticons.

i especially love the emoticons. :)


at 3am when i can't sleep i will regret this cup of coffee.

blah.

i am sitting here with a cup of cold ginseng tea. one of my neighbors gave it to me. he said it's from japan. and it's good, i guess... but not satisfying at all. at least not as a morning beverage. no sugar or honey in it. it is not my beloved coffee. and that is exactly the point: not coffee.

i'm excessive when it comes to coffee. super excessive. and it isn't even really the coffee itself, it's the sweet, sugary hazelnut cream i dump in it. YUM! i can easily drink an entire pot of coffee all to myself each morning. for the passed few months i've been feeling pretty ridiculous about it. because it isn't even caffeine i'm trying to pump myself full of, it's sugar. my old nemesis.

in high school and the early days of college, i was a soda addict. a HARDCORE soda addict. to a very gross degree. so gross, in fact, i'm surprised i didn't rot my teeth. i'd stop at the convenience store in the morning before class and get a humongous BIG GULP... which i would buy refills for periodically throughout the day. this practice went on for years. i loved the burn of Dr. Pepper and was completely gluttonous about it.

after moving to the bay area, i kicked my soda habit during summer break one year. but when classes started back up in the fall and i was working full time and going to school full time, i got in to drinking coffee. and eventually, i got just as excessive about it as i had been with soda. for the passed couple months, i've realized that it's all about sugar. i am a total sugar addict. and i get so much of it in my coffee that i never crave any other sweets at all. never. none. not one. i never think cake sounds good or ice-cream or candy or pies. never. and this is a good thing but it's also no wonder- i load up on sugar right at the beginning of the day!

all this to say- i'm not drinking coffee this morning. my hope is to get through this entire week without it. reign in my addictive personality a bit. if i could be one of those people who practiced things in moderation, this would be no issue at all. but i seem to go full-tilt with things i enjoy. i do not sip, i GUZZLE. i know nothing of temperance. ha!

so... i'm on guard against crankiness and sarcasm today. geez.

yes!

the weekend is here. and there are no rules. but there is required reading and black oil paint and black gouache and black ink. yes yes yes. and hazelnut coffee. plenty of hazelnut coffee. no. gratuitous coffee. copious amounts of coffee. all hazelnut, all the time. non-stop hazelnut. hazelnut til you drop. get some!

today...

just taking a short break from gessoing some canvas to make a pot of coffee. i plan on being up quite late tonight getting some much missed painting done... or at least spend some time wrestling with those dreadful canvasses i turned around to face the wall. i guess i'll find out soon enough exactly how in the mood i am for a fight. good thing i'm not so easily defeated when it comes to this whole painting thing. :)

i've got the house to myself, i've been working on one art-related thing or another all day, and am feeling pretty at peace since the new year finally crawled out of hiding and wrapped its big, fat, hopeful arms around me.

i visited Martin Showroom to day in St. Helena - what a jewel of a gallery! i mean, wow. drop dead gorgeous. every object, painting, item, curiosity in the place was stunning. everything was a work of art, even the pile of rope that welcomed me at the front door. whoever the buyer/owner/curator/person is for this joint proves the point that curation is an art in its own right. all the work on display was of such a high caliber, completely thought-provoking AND thoughtful - my kind of place. and that's to say nothing of the predominantly black and white, grey and beige aesthetic that encompassed the gallery. :) put a bounce in my step for sure. it always feels so great to find a gallery that you understand the intentions and concerns of. the website doesn't do any justice to the actual venue. if you'll be in wine country any time soon, swing through. you won't be disappointed, it's absolutely bone-chillingly beautiful in there. it reminded me so much of Ashes and Milk (another one of my personal favorites and cause of uncontrollable drooling).

coffee tragedy...

so...
the WORST thing that could've happened to this night-owl did...
my coffee maker broke. :( and after screwing with it, hitting it, and pushing all its non-specific buttons in a wide array of sequences, the damn thing finally pushed my buttons to the point where i angrily resigned myself to utter failure.

the truth is,
i bought one of the cheapest coffee makers i could find but that was only 4 months ago! arg! so i finally boiled a pot of water and dumped it through the filter and wa-la! i'm drinking coffee and back in action! necessity... the mother of invention: word. i just wish i'd thought of it sooner and saved myself a whole lot of time and aggravation.

but with a full pot brewed (by hand) and a bag full of new art supplies (i went shopping today!), the night feels young and full of potential. i finally scored some more chocolate-colored glitter so i can finish the print edition i started a few weeks back. i've been so caught up in painting and drawing that i completely forgot about the prints! and with only a few more to go!

between that and the big yellow painting (which isn't really all that yellow anymore) and the 4 other canvasses i've got going, this week is pretty well booked. i'll happily give in to the urge to stay up all night painting and playing, lose sleep if necessary, and get a bunch of work done. i don't want any loose ends to tie up, with paintings or otherwise, come the new year and, with only 8 weeks to go, i'd better hustle.

yellow

brewing a second pot of coffee and listening to patti smith, i'm on a painting rampage today. i started a big, yellow oil painting a few days ago and, unexpectedly, letting a bit of color back in to the work has made me go gaga for the process of painting again. i love that! one small change and the reason i fell in love with painting in the first place is reawakened and i'm a frenzy in the studio. i feel more driven and dedicated than i have in weeks. maybe this change has been waiting to happen longer than i realise? at any rate, it feels great and i'm happy to be working in this manner again: my long-loved realism.