these texts are an archive of my life in the San Francisco Bay Area from march 2007 - march 2015. it stands as a record of close to a decade of my life, charting the struggles i faced as an artist, daughter, and lover. messy and chaotic at times, eloquent and poetic at others, these texts are an index i am proud of. it was here in this electric box that i learned how to be honest about my experiences and the person i needed to become. it was here that i first learned the truism that words make the world and how to trust such a beautiful, rife, hard fact.

thank you for meeting me here in such tall grass.


my artist website is here.

Jan 25, 2014

ugly

.


ugly little angela ugly little angela crawling like an angel so wholesome so hopeful so hopeful my horrible shapes somehow manage to elude you your beautiful wide eyes somehow stumble into a diamond of blindness that damn bright blue of heaven spilling over the eager ugly inches of my deformed form every inch of me more horrible and polluted than the inch before each lick more bitter than the one before slap my face slap my face i'll beg you to slap me until the ugliness falls away leave me red and wanton but without want without that atrocious longing for beauty wipe me clean of all the lessons i was fed slap the adjectives out of my mouth yank my head back spit on me scream at me and for one moment i'll know at least one other human being sees me.

all i want is for one other person to know me.

know the worst of me and don't turn away

all the things i cry about in the dark, no mother at the end of the hall to come running
to interupt the nightmare, smooth my hair back and kiss my forehead, no angel crawling at the foot of my bed

i'm the angel
the spectacle
crawling, open mouthed
begging, blue eyes open as bruised legs

ignore the gleaming smile that greets you
ignore the image
the way i walk so tall
red lips and long hair
high heels and dressed in black
"that's a bad bitch"
ignore it all
even if i am that girl
i want you to see me stripped completely down
see me beg you like a prideless dog
and choose to stay til noon anyway


.




i can say anything here.  i don't give a fuck who loves me if you don't.  did you hear that?  i said i don't give a fuck who loves me if you don't...  and all i can do is hope that this feeling will pass.




.

2 comments:

pviljoen said...

This what you wrote I know well. Wish I had the courage to write like this.

angela simione said...

:)

that is an amazing compliment! you've made me blush. thank you!!!