excerpt

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eventually i make my way back to my roof and four walls.  eventually i end up behind my own closed door.  beyond the lock and key, a mirror leans. i sit back and stare myself down. no one will witness the crash of these secrets.  no one has seen what i see. no one is as wise as me.  the broken blue tumbling down my cheeks is nothing new here.  Meine blaue Augen sind zerbrochen. i have the only front row seat.

i pull up my black tights and cross my legs.

i need someone to cover my eyes.

did i tell you: in my most recent dream of her she returned to that emaciated state.  such thin shoulders. they were only bone. i was afraid if i touched her i would hurt her.  i held her hand when all i wanted so badly was to lay my head on her shoulder. but her shoulders were all bones.  she was my mother.

dearest _______ , you are the only friend i have that knows the language i know.

dearest _______ , i still miss you in the middle of the night even after all these years and all this hot hate.  i still feel your hair in my mouth.  i still swim in the haunt you installed in the back of my eyes. 

i slink low into my solitude.

if only there was a way you could apologize enough.

the heart that held your image is entirely dead. i labor over my own face.  i apply the black lines.  i apply the red lines.  i decide which identity to provide. i make a mirror of my own surface.  i let them all project their wants.  i reflect back the desire and let their hate lay on me like a man.  i let their hate roam across my surface like a man's tempted hand.  some see a daughter.  some see a whore.  some days that feels like exactly same thing.

most days that feels pretty good.