eventually i make my way back to my roof and four walls. eventually i end up behind my own closed door. beyond the lock and key, a mirror leans. i sit back and stare myself down. no one will witness the crash of these secrets. no one has seen what i see. no one is as wise as me. the broken blue tumbling down my cheeks is nothing new here. Meine blaue Augen sind zerbrochen. i have the only front row seat.
i pull up my black tights and cross my legs.
i need someone to cover my eyes.
did i tell you: in my most recent dream of her she returned to that emaciated state. such thin shoulders. they were only bone. i was afraid if i touched her i would hurt her. i held her hand when all i wanted so badly was to lay my head on her shoulder. but her shoulders were all bones. she was my mother.
dearest _______ , you are the only friend i have that knows the language i know.
dearest _______ , i still miss you in the middle of the night even after all these years and all this hot hate. i still feel your hair in my mouth. i still swim in the haunt you installed in the back of my eyes.
i slink low into my solitude.
if only there was a way you could apologize enough.
the heart that held your image is entirely dead. i labor over my own face. i apply the black lines. i apply the red lines. i decide which identity to provide. i make a mirror of my own surface. i let them all project their wants. i reflect back the desire and let their hate lay on me like a man. i let their hate roam across my surface like a man's tempted hand. some see a daughter. some see a whore. some days that feels like exactly same thing.
most days that feels pretty good.