oh dang!

i just bought my very first plane ticket to new york.  i feel shaky in such a happy way.  the way one feels after a first kiss.  i have no clue what to do with myself.  i will be counting the days.  this is my birthday present to myself.  september will be here before i know it.  summer is already half over.  in a few weeks i'll be back in class studying german and the history of photography.  there are books i need to buy and a new schedule to devise. i'm looking forward to getting back in to the swing of things, the rhythm of study and solitude.  i haven't studied at all to the degree i would've liked to this summer.  the last few months have been such a wild blurr of transition and change.  i work late and stay out dancing even later.  sometimes all i want to do is dance, sweat and sing and drink greyhounds.  i decided this morning to simply enjoy the freedom that the summer months provide and feel grateful for receiving the life of a waiter.  we have such a fun time.  we have such a high degree of freedom and flexibility.  i have no idea where i will be a year from now but i plan to travel as much as i possibly can from here on out.  if i died tomorrow my big regret would be not having seen the world.  i have a month and a half to save for my trip and even though i'll only be in NY for four days i plan to live as fully as i possibly can during that time.   please feel free to send me lists of places to eat.  i will be dining out every night and every morning.  and definitely let me know where a girl can dance the night away.

my previous life remains tucked away safely in a storage unit.  i miss certain books but i like it this way-  things filed away in a tiny room that i never visit.  i think i'll keep the unit through to the end of the year.  i am busy with the pleasure of discovery and the work of rebuilding.  i like having a space free of the old objects, the previous obsessions.  i miss certain drawings but i need to make new ones.  i need to remain ungoverned and untethered.  i am scared sometimes and have no idea what to do with myself, what to do next, what direction to pursue... and so i write in my diary and go out dancing and try not to worry too much about the future.   art begets art, and so i know exactly what i will spend my life doing.  my work will never reach its end until i reach mine.