i just bought my very first plane ticket to new york. i feel shaky in such a happy way. the way one feels after a first kiss. i have no clue what to do with myself. i will be counting the days. this is my birthday present to myself. september will be here before i know it. summer is already half over. in a few weeks i'll be back in class studying german and the history of photography. there are books i need to buy and a new schedule to devise. i'm looking forward to getting back in to the swing of things, the rhythm of study and solitude. i haven't studied at all to the degree i would've liked to this summer. the last few months have been such a wild blurr of transition and change. i work late and stay out dancing even later. sometimes all i want to do is dance, sweat and sing and drink greyhounds. i decided this morning to simply enjoy the freedom that the summer months provide and feel grateful for receiving the life of a waiter. we have such a fun time. we have such a high degree of freedom and flexibility. i have no idea where i will be a year from now but i plan to travel as much as i possibly can from here on out. if i died tomorrow my big regret would be not having seen the world. i have a month and a half to save for my trip and even though i'll only be in NY for four days i plan to live as fully as i possibly can during that time. please feel free to send me lists of places to eat. i will be dining out every night and every morning. and definitely let me know where a girl can dance the night away.
my previous life remains tucked away safely in a storage unit. i miss certain books but i like it this way- things filed away in a tiny room that i never visit. i think i'll keep the unit through to the end of the year. i am busy with the pleasure of discovery and the work of rebuilding. i like having a space free of the old objects, the previous obsessions. i miss certain drawings but i need to make new ones. i need to remain ungoverned and untethered. i am scared sometimes and have no idea what to do with myself, what to do next, what direction to pursue... and so i write in my diary and go out dancing and try not to worry too much about the future. art begets art, and so i know exactly what i will spend my life doing. my work will never reach its end until i reach mine.
these texts are an archive of my life in the San Francisco Bay Area from march 2007 - march 2015. it stands as a record of close to a decade of my life, charting the struggles i faced as an artist, daughter, and lover. messy and chaotic at times, eloquent and poetic at others, these texts are an index i am proud of. it was here in this electric box that i learned how to be honest about my experiences and the person i needed to become. it was here that i first learned the truism that words make the world and how to trust such a beautiful, rife, hard fact.
thank you for meeting me here in such tall grass.