these texts are an archive of my life in the San Francisco Bay Area from march 2007 - march 2015. it stands as a record of close to a decade of my life, charting the struggles i faced as an artist, daughter, and lover. messy and chaotic at times, eloquent and poetic at others, these texts are an index i am proud of. it was here in this electric box that i learned how to be honest about my experiences and the person i needed to become. it was here that i first learned the truism that words make the world and how to trust such a beautiful, rife, hard fact.

thank you for meeting me here in such tall grass.


my artist website is here.

Apr 14, 2010

this day:

already, the fear upon waking that yesterday or last year or back when i was 5 i did something so horribly wrong that I MUST PAY! and then coffee. caffeinate myself entirely, control myself with sugar, forgive myself with sugar, well up courage girl the same way you make a pot of coffee. just hit that beautiful button and snoooooze for 10 more minutes.

already, i lay under the all-knowing lamp. the lamp. his lamp. my dentist. i have a healthy breed of masochism in me so that i do not, at all, not for one second, dread the dentist's chair. the pain he might decide to inflict on me really does make me a better human being.

already, i read Vanessa Place's "Achilles' Shield" and was sent reeling and then, as luck would have it, i opened my mailbox as i returned, love drunk from the dentist, to find her book Dies: A Sentence waiting for me.

and my brain is floaty and ridiculous. spilling spilling like sugar or coffee or drool on the bib at the dentist- the person you can not hide anything from. your lies will humiliate you should you try so DON'T. that lamp is all-knowing.

and for all these reasons and more, i will most likely take a nap and then watch Blue Velvet.

"What are you doing in my closet, Jeffery Beaumont?"

13 comments:

Alesa Warcan said...

I haven't slept (actually slept 6 hours) in three days and I'm not even hallucinating yet.
It might be getting to me, when I first read your post, I read: "...just hit that beautiful button and snoooooze for 10 more minutes." as Just hit that beautiful bourbon.

Jeffrey Beaumont: I'm eating enchiladas, would you like one?

angela simione said...

hahahaha! bourbon might work actually to get you those much needed zzzzz's. :)

how awful- sleepless nights are horrible and every day becomes painful and messed up. i hope you get some good sleep soon, sweetie!

Marta Sanchez said...

Time for a new dentist. Fly out to Seattle, I will hook you up, my hygenist literally had me laughing so hard my first visit I almost fell out of the chair, and it has been the same ever since.

Alesa Warcan said...

Awful? It's great! Though thanks for the kind thoughts. :j

It's the closest I get to being what people refer to as wired: I don't drink alcohol, or take anything stronger than tea as stimulants go...

The world starts looking and feeling different, sharper contrast, more vivid colors, conceptual reality is closer super imposed with physical reality... Me entire self feels different. Like a diffuse fog that I concentrate, pull together, materialise, and control through the power of my will. That said, I just got my normal 6 hours... The buzz is gone. And the world is interesting too, different, maybe secretly I'd admit to it being a bit duller, but it has its charms.

Elisabeth said...

I think I would hate to be a dentist. People so often hate to visit them, but we need them.

I too have many dentist trauma stories inside.

Sleep now, Angela. I trust the worst is over.

angela simione said...

alesca, good for you! i was never able to put a happy spin on insomnia... but looking back on it after hearing your take on it, i suppose it did make the world more interesting. i had a lot of crazywonderful ideas when i was sleep-deprived, for sure! and lots and lots of laughter. i get really silly when i'm tired. ha!

also, i don't drink either (quit about 8 months ago and i haven't felt this good in YEARS!) but i am a pretty severe caffeine and sugar addict. i will attempt to rangle it in soon.

AND! i like the way you make a smile! using a j gives you a dimple! cute! :D

angela simione said...

hi marta! he's actually a rather good dentist. i didn't mean to make it sound like he isn't. though, i AM going to try to make it to seattle at some point this year because your museum is having an exhibition about the influence of kurt cobain and one of my teachers is in the show! i wanna go i wanna go i wanna go!!!! i must start saving my pennies IMMEDIATELY!

angela simione said...

elisabeth- dentists ARE depressed!!! and it's no wonder: no one really wants to go to the dentist. i'm one of the few who don't really mind it at all. i'd rather go to the dentist than to the doctor any day of the week. but i'm very concerned about doing what i can to help alleviate any depression my dentist may be experiencing (as weird as that sounds) because they have a fairly high suicide rate (though suicide studies are strange things and i'm not sure how accurate they are) and so i floss and try to be good. besides, my dentist is a very sweet, calm, soft-spoken man who likes my shoes and narrates every thing he's doing. he's a good one!

the worst is definitely over. wait... nope. i have to get my wisdom teeth extracted at some point this year. the worst isn't over. :(

Alesa Warcan said...

Insomnia? That must be really unpleasant... It's only good if you are in control. I had stuff I wanted to do, and in the words of John Lee Hooker "The night time is the right time"...

Sugar is addictive? Gad zooks!
Naaah... And even so, I can stop whenever I want... I can put down this sugar shaker whenever I want... I can spit out this sugar whenever I want... I can... Jump off of this train of thought before it gets messy.

I'm a bit of a hard candy fiend. Brain candy is good too... Not to mention Ear candy! Candy candy, candelight me. Candlelight my brain on fire!

Thanks for the love Angela. Right back at you.
I get a kick out your verve and vibrancy, and from the familiar way your reality seems to superimpose the tangible and the conceptual. At any rate, that's what it seems to me from the outside.

angela simione said...

hahahahaha! don't tease me about wasting sugar like that. hahahahahahahaha! spit it OUT????? that's craziness. i side with you.

thank you, alesa! i am pleased to have my particular breed of neuorsis tagged as "verve and vibrancy". you have made my day a good one already.

Roz said...

where did you find place's achilles' shield? is it a book? i've been looking for this one and so far have found just one excerpt online. would love to obtain the full text... any help much appreciated!

angela simione said...

hi roz! it's in the most current issue of five fingers review.

here's the link!

http://www.fivefingersreview.org/current.htm

enjoy!:)

Roz said...

thanks!!