stupid
all morning all morning,
the wringing of hands.
yesterday afternoon was bright yellow.
i've felt like crying ever since
and spending money i don't have.
i am fighting the urge to fuck myself over.
to buy expensive clothes and plane tickets.
i go back to that canvas and stare.
i know i'll be told on again
sooner or later.
i know my silence makes it an easy thing.
all morning all morning,
the back and forth,
the wringing of hands,
the salt i hold,
the salt i spill,
and crying in the shower where no one can see and no one can hear,
soft and thin as a pencil scratch.
all morning all morning,
my thick embarrassment.
all morning, my worry.
my rosey showing.
that plague.
the need that goes on and on and on
un-met. all morning all morning,
for the life of me.
these texts are an archive of my life in the San Francisco Bay Area from march 2007 - march 2015. it stands as a record of close to a decade of my life, charting the struggles i faced as an artist, daughter, and lover. messy and chaotic at times, eloquent and poetic at others, these texts are an index i am proud of. it was here in this electric box that i learned how to be honest about my experiences and the person i needed to become. it was here that i first learned the truism that words make the world and how to trust such a beautiful, rife, hard fact.
Feb 16, 2010
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4 comments:
'fight the urge to fuck myself'
'thin and soft as a pencil scratch'
FANTASTIC
maggie! THANK YOU!!!! (squeal)
Kind of like Seattle that way, if you cry softly it serves the same purpose as the shower.
Thanks Angela.
Oh, and I am really jamming on the moth pieces. Something in them touches me.
marta, i'm so glad you like the moths! i've been wrapped up in them ever since i stumbled across it last week. i used to draw butterflies all the time as a child so maybe there's some old attraction spilling through. at any rate, they feel RIGHT to be working on right now.
i hope crying in the rain is something you don't experience often in your travels.
:)
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