the light...

i woke up with an odd feeling on my shoulders...

it's hot here today. and old dreams, old memories start to stir in weather like this.

it feels like southern california, and so i feel like i did when i lived there... uncomfortable and unsure, scared of something that i've never been able to name. very much like when a person begins to fear they're crazy or stupid or good for nothing. that softer breed of depression that seeps in rather than crashes down. the nag of regret... wishing you'd been able to say what needed to be said... beating yourself up for not being smarter, for trusting the wrong people, for not being able to see what was really going on... guilt over not being strong enough or big enough to be taken seriously or at least act as a shield... guilt over not knowing how to help...

i can't tell myself i was just a kid and feel forgiven.

there's something about the light- the way it casts or when it goes all hot and yellow that is trying to remind me of something i can't remember... a bad dream or some unexplainable thing... people i no longer know... and thankful for it... thankful to be hundreds of miles away.

this is where that indignation of mine comes from... that deep, irrefutable well of clear morals. i've never been that good at standing up for myself. i've only recently learned how to do it, what it is, and when speak up. it's been hard. it is a tough, uncomfortable thing... but i'm quite good at standing up for others. i always have been. i've got a loud mouth... i can take a hit... all i need is a cause. and you're it. those of you who have a hard time standing up for yourselves too- i'll stand up for you. i am impossible to argue with. my logic is flawless. i've never been defeated. never. not when it comes to defending you.