these texts are an archive of my life in the San Francisco Bay Area from march 2007 - march 2015. it stands as a record of close to a decade of my life, charting the struggles i faced as an artist, daughter, and lover. messy and chaotic at times, eloquent and poetic at others, these texts are an index i am proud of. it was here in this electric box that i learned how to be honest about my experiences and the person i needed to become. it was here that i first learned the truism that words make the world and how to trust such a beautiful, rife, hard fact.

thank you for meeting me here in such tall grass.

my artist website is here.

Dec 8, 2008

so it goes...

the paintings i've been working on are getting harder and harder to resolve and i think the reason for it is that i'm just still so enamored with a paired down, black and white palette. using color honestly just feels a bit wrong right now... like i'm not being true to myself or pushing the work in a direction that it really doesn't want to go. so i think it's time to just take a deep breath, move these canvasses to the back of the studio, and work on something else for awhile. i've been painting long enough to know not to force the issue: if it's not working, it's just not working... and for however hokie it sounds, following one's heart is really the best path to take. the work needs to be sincere, it needs to be genuine... right now i'm just in a head-space where black and white feels right. i know better than to fight it. following where art leads me has always saved me. i've always learned some very valuable things... not just about art and practice, but about myself and the things that matter most in my life.

maybe it's the cold weather or being midway through the holiday season and watching this year wind down to a close, but i'm getting more and more introspective lately. i'm spending alot of time writing. i start and end my day with my notebook on my lap and all the BIG questions floating around in my head. definitely not the worst ritual in the world and i'm glad to be in a place where questioning, as an action, has a huge role in my day to day living. i'm reading tons of anne sexton (the poems and the letters) and art theory, i'm drawing and writing every day, and i'm so glad to be at a place in life where i can cater to those things. i'm so, so thankful that art, poetry, music, writing, reading, ethics and all that heady stuff occupies a seat of importance and that i have the time to nourish those things.

seems i'm still in my post graduation transitional period... trying to navigate my self through a new landscape and a changed identity: no longer a student in the traditional sense, but still trying to learn, question, and consider my role in regard to what i've learned. it's challenging but i never want to reach a day where i'm sick of being challenged. i'm glad to have the opportunity to prove myself. there's been a lot of rejection and disappointment this year... a lot of ups and downs... but i'm glad for the struggle. i pick myself up every time and i keep going, keep drawing and painting, keep trying.

at the end of the day, that is what matters most to me... the fortitude to keep trying. i hope as the year winds down, with all the worry over the economy and pressures to succeed, that we all hold on to our fortitude. i was in a conversation about the economy a few days ago with a customer at the frame shop who commented on how quiet business seemed to be. i said that even though this time is scary and unpleasant, the silver lining is that right now we all have the opportunity to really consider what matters most to us... it's a chance to really find out who we are and what we're made of. and that's a good thing... it's definitely got me thinking about my own needs, desires, and goals. i was happy to see someone spending money on art. personally,i'll gladly go without a lot of things if it means i can afford to keep contributing and supporting the art community. it made me so happy to see someone else (not an artist) doing the same thing. wherever you are, thank you!

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