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a new day, a new notebook.  it's always a fantastic feeling.  but for the passed three days i've been locked inside a NyQuil stupor, stoned as hell on over-the-counter cold medicine, trying to shake whatever bad bug this is that bit me.  yesterday and the day before all i did was sleep.  today, i was at least able to sit and write for awhile before needing to head back to bed.  i won't be making in to class tonight.  

and so i lay down in my warm bed and medication and twist black yarn around my hook.  stitch by stitch, i go.  how soothing it is.  how familiar, how comforting.  it is a balm and a deep, good therapy.  maybe it is how i mother myself?  making all these blankets and sweaters?  i fashion sites of warmth and emblems of safety for myself. i wrap myself up in my tiny poems emblazoned in wool.  i leave them on street in the hope that those who need a bit of comfort may stumble across my little offerings.  i begin to dream of the future again...  a future self and who that might be.

it occurred to me in the wee hours of the morning that i have occupied my white room for almost a year.  may 1st is the anniversary.  look at all these important markers of time all lined up in a row!  it catches my attention in such a serious way.  it's been an entire year now that i have been completely on my own, no hand to hold, paying all my bills myself, buying plane tickets and red lipstick as often as i felt need to, and never for one second letting the reigns slip from my fist.  every time i've maintained control over my own life, day, and destiny the results have always been good.  i've been happier, not to mention more successful.  and likewise, every time i handed over control of my life to someone else the results have been atrocious.  unhappiness followed quickly on the heels of such a horrible decision.  i can't ever imagine making such a decision again.  i can't ever see a day when i will sacrifice my financial Independence.  being able to choose the terms and conditions of my own life is the greatest gift i've ever given myself and i will never give it up.  my daily existence is so free, so respectful of my being and loves.  now, more than anything, i simply want to be more and more my Self.

i've been crocheting a new round of yarn bombs the passed week.  they read "cry harder".  that's what i aspire to.  that's what i want for all of us.  to cry harder, cry louder.  to be ourselves without reservation or apology.  i hope to drop a few in san francisco and oakland in a few days once this sickness has passed through me and left me stronger as a result.  in so many ways, street art is the pinnacle of artistic production because it doesn't seek permission or reassurance.  it simply IS, and it is up to US to reckon with IT.  i love it.  i'm not very good at it yet but i'm thankful to take part to the small extent i do. it makes my life feel poetic.  it makes me feel alive inside my own body, inside my spirit, inside the night and this world and all my unnameable desires.

relocation is Prime.

and in the art realm of things, i've got some work online at Darger HQ and more coming soon.  i also updated my White Columns account.   take a peek!

strange but good...

well, the day started simply enough... woke up at 6am, sat around drinking coffee and writing in my notebook for an hour, hopped in the shower, got dressed, and headed off to work. after clocking in and reading the note that had been left for me (detailing a project that had been handed off to me in spite of declining the promotion i was offered last week that working on this project would have been a requirement of), i'd decided i'd had my fill of being completely railroaded by corporate management. shortly after being hired, i realized that my particular skill set was being exploited more often than not - meaning i was not hired to do the jobs i was doing and i wasn't being paid accordingly either. today, it reached a point of such utter ridiculousness that i faced a pretty daunting ethical dilemma: stay and willfully, knowingly allow myself to be exploited further or leave and forfeit the financial security i've enjoyed for the past several months. not a comfortable situation to find oneself in.

i decided to make a call to a person higher up the chain in the corporate structure and explain what has been going on since the time of my hire and that i had declined the promotion i was offered just to find myself scheduled to do that exact job. i knew to expect the typical corporate double-talk but i didn't expect to be insulted over and over again by this person.

the result was that i ended up calling this person out on their rude and misguided perceptions of who i am, that the company has acted unethically, and that my expectation at that point was to receive the fair financial compensation that follows the job function i was currently performing. logical, right? well, logic has no place in corporate greed as evidenced by the current economic crisis we find ourselves in.

though this person then began to apologize for the things they had said, i was nevertheless told that it's my responsibility to do what i'm told to do, without question, and that they will pay me whatever they feel like paying me. that was the wrong answer and i quit on the spot. i was honestly shocked that this person would rather let a worthwhile and competent employee walk out the door rather than pay a few bucks more an hour. stunned, angered, but also extremely relieved to be done with this.

a few days ago, i posted a blog about the benefits of being a worker-bee. i still believe that there is a benefit to answering to a boss, maintaining a schedule, and being in an environment where a person can hone the practice of humility... but i would never suggest that a person allow themselves to be used, taken advantage of, or exploited by anyone for any reason. i will not operate from a position of fear, and though the art business is a risky one, i'd rather work day and night to make ends meet than be forced to cow tow to an unethical, abusive entity. no thanks.

when i got home, there was an email waiting for me from white columns. i held my breath. some months ago, i had applied for inclusion in their curated artist registry and their response had finally arrived. i was more than nervous to open the email because last year i'd opened a rejection. well, not today friends! YAY!!!! i am so happy and thankful and, when i think about all the positive changes and opportunities that have come my way lately, i'm really starting to think that right now is the right time to really make the biggest push i can to get my work out in to the world. i am no stranger to struggle and i am eager to pay my dues because when it comes right down to it, art is the most important thing in the world... it is the best that we can offer each other and i am endlessly proud of the fact that i have been given the opportunity to take part in the discourse.

the day was a strange one, full of unexpected turns and difficult decisions, but also some equally unexpected recognition and reward.

there are honest people out there and i'm glad to search them out and eliminate those who are not from my life. i am glad to do what it takes to be honorable, respectable, and ethical. i have no regrets about what happened today - i came home, put on some coffee, and got right to work on the new embroidered territories piece. i've been working for 6 hours on it and am ready for 6 more.