a little piece of my heart

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i spent the day drawing and making valentines.  i've missed making them the passed few years.  life, and the resulting emotions, got in the way.  i'd always remember at the last minute and then opt to go out drinking instead.  i was enjoying a different sort of reverie too much to way to stay home and make valentines.  i was, in several ways, anti-love for a couple years.  i just needed a break, i guess.  i needed to learn how to take care of myself unburdened by the expectation to take care of others.  i needed to be on my own.  i needed to focus on feeling my instincts again, my own pleasures again, my own needs again.  but i got so much joy out of making valentines.  i thought of it as a fun way to say thank you to friends and art lovers for being so supportive of me and my practice.  it gave me an excuse (as a painter thinking she needed an excuse) to delve back in to printmaking.  i remember the day one of my painting professors walked in to the clean room in the print lab and there i was signing and numbering an edition.  he saw me and said, "what are you doing in here, angela?  my painters paint" .  i smiled and shrugged.  he smiled and winked.  i've never been the kind of artist who does just one thing.  i don't expect i ever will be, nor do i want to be.  i love working in all these different modes.  i love that the biggest part of my visual practice is writing.  my diary is my world in that regard.  it is responsible for almost everything i do and make.  it is the biggest, bravest, best tool i have in creating the life and art i want for myself.  part of that life is making valentines.  i think it's wonderful to have a day where one is allowed to say I LOVE YOU over and over again.  i think it's great to have a day where one is free to show their appreciation for having wonderful people in their life.  it's not simply a day for chocolate and roses.  that's only one way of seeing valentine's day.  a pretty limited, prescribed way.  i prefer to personalize the occasion and harness it to let the people in my life know i value their care and friendship.  it also gives me an excuse to give away art, one of my favorite things. :)  so if you want to get in on the fun and exchange valentines with me, send me your address!  angelasimione at gmail dot com

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!!!!!!!!!

making moths...

valentines as memento mori on this grey day. :)

pep talk

i've been thinking about valentine's day.

i want to participate.

i've always wanted to participate in it but didn't or couldn't because of cultural mandates and expectations and blah blah blah. lame stuff like that. i don't eat candy and never really crave it. and i like roses but that's really not necessary.

i don't really want anything... except to honor my own values. from here on out, i'm going to make the holiday my own.

it's a topic i've been thinking about a lot for the last few months. pages and pages of notebook scribblings dedicated to VALUE- what it is, how to get it, and then, how to keep it. much easier to write about in your little notebook than find opportunities inside your daily life in which to express it. i realized yesterday that, as a teenager, my values were very much linked to ideas of justice and fairness. i was highly idealistic, yes, but i've always thought the world can benefit from a little idealism now and then. somewhere along the line during my huge 2-year long depression, i stopped thinking about justice and fairness in the correct way: that these things are mine to give... not mine to expect. and somehow this is linked to valentine's day in my mind this year. the need for some sort of heartfelt ritual. the need for at least a little bit of sentimentality and mushy appreciation for the good things in one's life. and having a day set aside for this when it's okay to get mushy and dote on things or people or projects is totally what i need right now. no apologies, no excuses, just a little bit of wholesome fun. anything that aids a person in discovering who they really are... who they were as a child and embracing that person again, i'm all for. sweetness, kindness, curiosity, playfulness... these are qualities to admire. they are qualities to pursue and hold on to. a code.

and so i spent the bulk of yesterday cutting out heart-shapes and drawing and trying to come up with an image that would hurt and haunt and cut but also spin and play and cry with joy. i'm still searching for it but i'm well on my way. i will participate.

there's a saying that goes, "fake it til you make it". basically, a game of pretend but not as horrible as that may sound. maybe "walk the talk" is a better expression.

when i think about the kind of person i want to be, why not just start behaving like that person. if i want to be the type of person who makes valentine's day cards, what am i waiting for? same thing goes for everything else. if i want to be a writer, i have to write. and write first, write long, write hard before i assume that title. i learn to paint by painting. i can learn patience by being patient. i can believe i have value if i practice value... if i manage to find the strength of character necessary to guard my own life and path and choice and goodness with every ounce of grace and resilience i've got.

i'm rambling but what i really want to say is that little by little i'm seeing how absolutely necessary it is to be myself. really, truly, unapologetically myself. because a person's true self does not need to be apologized for. i'm attempting to recover from the horrible things i threw at myself while i was locked down at the bottom of a very deep, dark well. the horrible things i told myself... the horrible things i believed.

cutting out heart-shapes helps.



"Do what you can, with what you have, where you are."

-Theodore Roosevelt


i want to participate.