return

i want to drink coffee every night between the hours of 10 and 12. a powerful craving hits and, most of the time, if i can at all manage to get away with it, i totally succumb. tonight, is no different. tonight is only unusual in that i actually got off work before 11pm and have the semblance of a free evening to spend as i choose. i had sushi with anne and then curled up in bed with my coffee and computer. 

i am in one of those phases of life again where Time itself seems like a fiction. the Past falls away from me and feels impossible. i look back at certain events and circumstances in disbelief. it seems incredibly unreal. all the lives i've lived before this one suddenly seem so foreign to me. this girl that i am today...  haven't i always been her?  maybe this girl was there behind the window pane all along simply waiting for me to gain enough strength to steady my heart and look her in the eyes.  i got back on the good road of Honesty and instantly retrieved a true sense of self.

i cut my hair. 6 inches off the length but it still falls to the middle of my back. i have fringe again. "change your hair, change your life" becca tells me and she's been absolutely right. i have an entirely new wardrobe. i have a storage unit that houses the old. and the only books i kept with me are german grammar books, the next volume of anais nin's diary i need to read, gina abelkop's poetry, and my great big book of francesca woodman's photographs. all my drawings, save for a few small skull portraits, are in storage too. i kept the sweaters with me though. they are my armor and are always near.  the most recent sweater, the blue one, came about as a result of pure nesseccity.  i needed to work and blue yarn was all i had.  it is hanging on the wall here in my white room, a flag of hope.

the world changed some months ago and this little electric land of mine went silent. i lived without a stable internet connection for just about 4 months. unheard of these days. there were times i'd go 8 straight days without being able to so much as check my email. but, as i fell out of step with the modernity of the rest of the world, i fell in step with an older aspect of myself. i began to believe in myself in an entire new way. or, perhaps, a way i once had but forgot how to summon forth. all the writing i did was private and shitty. all the writing, the feel of it, has been fantastic.

but the tap of the keys is a familiar song. i lean in to it. i fall in to its rhythm and don't question its rightness. i missed this place and the connections it can establish. i missed the dialouge with writers and artists. i missed the way we speak to each other here- a way that is so much more romantic than how we'd speak to each other's faces. i love the drama of it. the urgency.  i even love the emoticons.

i especially love the emoticons. :)


at 3am when i can't sleep i will regret this cup of coffee.

i am spending all my free time apartment hunting and it has not been much fun

so here is a song.



boxes everywhere. bags of clothes for the goodwill. a meeting later today about an art show and an apartment to go check out too. time is burning. i feel like homeboy's coat.

it will all be worth it in a few short weeks.

here we go!

September! eeeeeeek! the big 3.0. is right around the corner! 2 days away and i am totally looking forward to collecting it.

i am (weirdly?) one of those people who hate their own birthday. i didn't think i was in that crowd but, about 5 years or so ago, i noticed the pattern of letting the day roll by without any sort of real celebration or acknowledgement. it was more than enough to get the obligatory 'happy birthday' phone call from friends and family. i'd take the day off from work (i am a firm believer that no one should work on their birthday unless you've got a jobby-job you absolutely adore) and usually stay home and paint or write. and get sad. it is the horrible cycle of The People-Pleaser to feel like you haven't "accomplished enough" in your life... especially on traditional markers of time like birthdays, anniversaries, and New Years. this is a habit that needs breaking. because, to put it plainly, it sucks. ha!

and last year on my birthday, the stars aligned in such a way as to show me that there were some pretty deep changes i needed to make in my life... that for all the wishing and crying i'd done, the only way to move forward was to go inside, clear the bullshit out of the way so i could actually see the path i was standing on. and i had to be able to see it in order to know which direction to head in. i made the decision on my 29th birthday to get re-acquainted with myself and to stop worrying about Time so much. not an easy thing. and i realized that my path is specific to me and that i make a mistake when i compare my life to other people's. i decided to do the clean up that was so clearly necessary.

the first thing to go was drinking. i had a glass of champagne last year on the night of my birthday. i was at an art reception for a show i had some work in. and i haven't had any alcohol since. it isn't that i thought i had a drinking problem, i though i had a thinking problem and i've wrestled my entire life with Sadness. for me, drinking compounded those issues in a way that was pretty much dangerous. and insofar as my practice was concerned, it stalled me in my tracks. and that made the level of depression i was living under all the more heavy. a depression i had been living under for 2 years straight and was only getting worse by the day. in fact, September 2nd (tomorrow) is the anniversary of a total Collapse.

my birthday seemed like a pretty opportune moment to start digging myself back out of that pit and that's exactly what the last year of my life has been all about.

The Almighty Jog, re-learning how to trust my instincts again, trust my own internal rhythms, focus on my own loves, my own values, my own beliefs. and to let my wrestling take place there. and i found a ton of out-dated maps and notions and ideas that i desperately needed to abandon.

i made the decision to approach my practice with love and gratitude, to take it day by day, and to locate images and words and the work of other artists and writers that resonated with me and what my life had been. i began to see what my true values were and how long i had been shelving them in order to "help" other people. i had had it drummed in to me that that's what you do when you really love someone. after making the decision to confront myself, i saw what a load of horseshit that actually is. and i spent a long time feeling alternately mad and sad about having been taught such an extremely damaging lesson. very mad. very sad. and rather than hide my sadness (which is what i typically did) and put on a Happy Face, i allowed my sadness to sit on the surface of my being. you can see it even here on this blog. i'm not ashamed of that. i don't think struggle is something a person should ever be made to feel ashamed of. ever. and so i don't allow myself to be ashamed or be shamed by others anymore. and that's probably the biggest step i've taken this year. shame had become quite a nasty habit. the only thing i've found that conquers Shame is Honesty. hard Honesty. Honesty about myself.

the passed year has gone by so unbelievably quickly. and here i am- a runner, an artist, a writer, a lover. from the outside, my life probably doesn't look very different today than it did a year ago, but it is. it is deeply different. i still get sad a lot... but life, at the moment, within my family, is pretty effing sad. and so it's normal. and i won't say i've figured everything out or that i have all the answers. i don't. what i do have is the knowledge that no one has all the answers and that that's actually a really great thing. i was thinking about that when i woke up today- answers and questions. and that maybe that's what art is? a practice of nailing down our questions rather than answers. and i like that. i like that a lot. :)

i'm excited to see where the next year goes. the only plan i have is to keep doing what i've been doing. keep running, keep writing, keep drawing, painting, making, exploring, excavating. keep trying. truly trying. and to not measure myself against other people's rulers. to live by my own standards and to practice a very brave, compassionate Honesty. i am removing the gag that i've lived with for soooo long. and though it is a very scary thing, i choose to be myself and to not writhe in silence anymore. i choose to be an artist and to let the expressions of my humanity be complete. i choose bravery.

anyway... GOOD MORNING! and HAPPY SEPTEMBER!!!!!! <3

diary

i have circled back around to covering things in clouds. child-like and calming. this piece is a couple years old. i came across it while looking through my portfolio for something else. and what a happy surprise. it seems very much to be in the same vein as the recent alice drawings.

february already...

geez. the new year is flying by! and so i've begun the slowing down process... giving myself reminders to stay in the present, to really pay attention, to use each day toward good aims... to be aware of the wealth of opportunities that surround me (that surround us all), great and small, and to not scoff at any one of them; to proceed with grace and confidence...

one of my life-long problems has been of minimizing. my own pain as well as the good that i do. i was so shy as a child that anything, even wonderful things, that brought me extra attention was something i absolutely did not like. i hid my own talents for years. and now, spending time thinking about TIME, about mortality, i'm choosing... have been choosing... to not hide for one second. to live life as it comes to me: daily. "we are not promised tomorrow". that quote is the last line i write each morning in my journal. a memento mori. and to proceed with as much strength, grace, and confidence that i can.

it's so easy for us humans to forget our accomplishments... the hurdles we've lept over, the hardships we've overcome. and now i set out to let those hardships polish my goodness rather than compromise it. i do not believe that we are given talents and beauties to throw them in the trash.

it's okay to save some things for private experience. but that is not the same thing as hiding.

yesterday, i stocked up on my beloved black gouache. i bought BIG paper and new pencils and found a copy of "Alice's Adventures Underground" at the used bookstore... the edition kiki smith used for her print series. only 15 bucks so i couldn't resist.

my oils are hanging on the walls in varied states of finish. all whispering, all lovely and confident.

i am surrounded by bibles. these things, these objects, these marks on paper. art and its' tools. my many loves quicken my breath and my heart jumps and i am amazed and humbled and curious. there is deep deep deep play in my heart and shoulders and finger tips (rebecca). it is such a huge act of trust, of faith, of grace, of willingness to learn, to stumble, to find, to try.

i am eager.

i love everything.

work...

cold and cold and cold,
i went on a cleaning spree.
there is carrot cake and secrecy tonight.
there is clean and cleaned and cleansed.

__________


about a year ago i started writing a memoir-ish thing and have picked it back up this week. it's much easier now than it was when i started it but still quite hard. it's strange going back in time like this and some things are still too early to try to write down. but it's a good project- one without the limits of time or due date or genre. it's a mish-mash of things but i don't think i'll add any pictures. it is a text, solely. i want no other art-form clouding it. it is its own painting... or will be, i hope. i want it to stand on its own. one day. but for the time being, it keeps its own schedule. i make no demands of it. i wait for it to spring up and shout for attention. i bend to its will, not the other way around. for all i know, it'll never be finished. all i can do is work on it as i'm able. this week has been good in that respect but next week could be an entirely different prospect. memoir-ish things are tricky that way, i suppose. and it's best not to rush such a thing anyhow.