horrible, possibly inexcusable, artist confession #1

i have never seen A Clockwork Orange.

the reason for this is when i was 14 and very interested in watching it, i was told that Alex is a big ol' rapist. and at that tender age, already a budding feminist but also still very much consumed by the torturous wasteland of Bad Body Image and related fears about men, this horrified me. not to mention i am incredibly sensitive to portrayals of pain, especially rape, on film. because rape isn't a fictional event in this world, in fact its exceedingly common, the fact some one is "acting" a rape doesn't really make a difference. it rips my heart apart. the image itself is brutal. i turn the channel when the shower scene in American History X happens. and pulp fiction ends for me right after Bruce Willis' fight. and i couldn't even stay in the room recently when i tried to watch Blindness. i'm very squeamish about all this.

but more and more, Kubrick's work has been coming up in certain art spheres and conversations and he's the man responsible for 2 of my favorite movies ever: The Shining and Full Metal Jacket. and so... can i overcome my "ethics" as it were, and get myself educated in order to participate in the discussion??? i hope so. who says art has to be comfortable? and since i haven't seen the movie, i'm really in no position to critique its functions anyway.

besides, from an art historical stand point, i'm entirely without excuse. i must submit to having my feathers ruffled and yanked out by art. i must engage before i can claim to know. and to know anything.

so there it is: my dirty little artist secret. an example of self-sheltering that must be overcome.