need

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:)

i have given myself the pleasure of a long easy morning today. i am brewing a half-pot of coffee and cutting out moth shapes from a large beautiful sheet of shiny pewter colored paper. i am very much a crow: attracted to shiny things. :) i am planning on making a huge wreath out of them to hang in the front window. i'll let you know if it works out of not. at any rate, it's fun and joyful and simple. freeing. and the little moths... i think of them as prayers. as hymns. and so i dedicate myself to them like a child: convinced my voice is heard, that my small utterances float off to wherever small utterances float off to- a landscape where such thing plant themselves and grow in to something wild and beautiful.

and also, i am now a free agent.

it feels good to be in a moment where i can just be alone with the work. no plans for it other than to simply do my best and be as honest as possible. the work that's at the gallery now will be there for another week and a half or so before i'm able to pick it up. if there's something you want, please go grab it. i'm going to take a little break from businessy things and not put any pressure on myself to make the work do or be something it is not. financially, i'm taking a pretty big risk right now but it's the right decision to make... the honest decision to make. money shouldn't be allowed to be too big a factor when it comes to doing the right thing. and besides, i'm pretty accustomed to the starving artist lifestyle anyway. :) everything will work out. i have total faith in that. and the gallery believes in me too so i'm feeling very encouraged and hopeful today.

again, the e.e. cummings quote comes in to my head: it takes courage to grow up and be who you really are. the time for courage has most definitely come and i am at an entirely new beginning now. it is scary and exciting at the same time... but i feel very lucky to have this moment. i will enjoy my easy morning and let it morph in to an easy afternoon. there are books i want to curl up with and more moths to cut out.

life is strange and good and crazy, my friends. thank you for returning to this space and listening to me ramble, watching the struggle, and encouraging me to follow my heart. you are absolutely stunning and i appreciate you so much. <3

painting day...

i'm taking a little break to eat strawberries and look at the work of other artists- refresh my eyes a bit so that i can see what's really going on, not merely my intentions, not what i want to be going on. it's a tough thing to move beyond your wishes for a painting sometimes and see where you've side-stepped the opportunity/necessity of risk.

trust.
intelligence.
faith.
patience.
and also a bit of rowdiness.

i have to be willing to fuck up the canvas, turn it to total shit. if i'm not willing to do that, i know i'm holding back, become too focused on the end result not the path, not the learning, not the love, not the need. i've become too precious about the work i've done thus far, not the work i've yet to do. it is a struggle. a good one. a person learns a lot from ruining a work and then finding a way to come back from that- to yank the image out of the cesspool you've created and polish it again, make it golden again.

it's a painting day.