here i am

hello! good morning! i missed you! :)

i missed the click of the keys below my fingers and this time in the morning to ramble on and on. but it was wonderful to have a friend here. especially daniela. we've been friends since we were 14. we met walking home from school one day and have been close ever since. she brought pictures taken when we were ditching school one day, trying on the clothes in the Scottish Shop. hahaha! kilts and jackets and hats! hilarious! and, though we look the same to each other, we look like total babies in the photographs. and the entire time she was here we laughed hard! just picked right back up from where we left off like not a day had passed since the last time we saw each other. we also had a lot of heart-to-hearts too. though our circumstances are different, we are in the same place of transition- realizing our own adulthood, considering ethics and values and trying to choose a path through life rather than having the path choose us. that stage. that scary, daunting stage full of uncertainty and anxiety. the fear. and so fate brings us together just at the right time when we can talk and explore and wrestle together for a week- laugh at ourselves and help each other along. having my longest friend here in my home all to myself was so encouraging and just plain joyful.

and now- coffee and the early fog and scribbling in my notebook. the meandering of my morning routine. the chill and the quiet. i wrote for a solid 2 hours this morning. my path becoming clearer and clearer. integrity as necessity. ethics as a MUST. courage. courage. courage. and, as elisabeth relayed, "the continual TRY".

all of a sudden, so many people bought work down at the gallery. THANK YOU! i can't even tell you what security you have provided! what encouragement and faith! and right in time! just what i needed, just what i was craving! the grand NUDGE to keep moving forward. ((((HUGE HUG)))) you lend me such bravery.

as my pencil scratches, i become more and more self-assured, more rooted in the relevance of the work, the necessity of my practice. i begin to feel like Kusama- that my work is "art medicine". i need it. i cherish it. i believe in it. i will follow it wherever it leads.

and last week, we just played. i started crocheting a new banner and painted some more little alices that need to be adorned with glitter and stamped out some hearts to be cut out and hung on the wall. :) fun and healing and playful. that stuff is so necessary within my practice- doing something light-hearted gives me strength to continue exploring Loss and what it means, how it effects us, and what benefits it can provide... that ruined landscape is also the site where hope springs... and how to locate that hope, that flowering, that incentive to continue. the grand NUDGE again and again. HOPE as a call to brave, compassionate action.

i'm happy to be back inside the Blackland. happy to ramble on and wrestle. i didn't get on the computer at all really while daniela was here. there's a lot to read and write back about, a lot to catch up on, a lot of research to continue, a lot to learn. but it was wonderful to have a little vacation here at home. i am recharged and resolved and reassured, and i'm very happy to see you! good morning! :)

okay okay okay

time to get back to the regularly scheduled program.

i must. my routine is too damn precious to be allowed to spiral. it really is. i'm the kind of person that needs structure within a day... even if i don't like it, even if that structure is easy and joyful, i need it. i need to get out of bed at the same time every morning and go make coffee, go write in my notebook, obey The Almighty Jog, and then go to work. too many days spent away from the schedule tends to make me feel like i'm lacking something. and of course, when hard hours hit, the schedule seems to be the very first thing sacrificed.

sometimes, that's necessary. but sometimes, it's caused by sadness and fear. and when the latter is the case, abandoning The Routine makes a day more chaotic than it might have been.

the weird and inexplicable events of late were definitely a bit distracting but, after touring SFMOMA with my friend, everything felt right in the world again. i felt such a deep joy and freshness within myself standing in front of those gorgeous, gorgeous paintings. and it gave me the strength to look at my own work with a stiffer resolve... and also the direction i need to move in. there's an un-fun business decision on the back-burner, on the horizon, that, though based in positivity, is never the less sort of daunting and sad. and on the heels of this, comes some very scary, very serious news about my family member who is currently fighting cancer. the great sweeping wind of resolve that found me when i was standing in that cathedral of a museum, effectively blew off somewhere else and yesterday i was pretty much derailed and depressed. i went running. i took a shower. i working on a drawing for a few hours. that was pretty much it. when J got home, we vegged out in front of the TV and watched a harry potter movie. not normally my cup of tea, but it did the trick. i was distracted from the hard hours and allowed to feel something other, something lighter, than this weight of fear- the weight of The Unknown. and i'm all the better for it this morning.

i have my cup of coffee and i've done my scribbling and i'm picking up my schedule. i wrote 15 minutes on my forearm to remind me how to proceed today- 15 minutes at a time, if need be. i am no longer feeling crushed and sucker punched. i am surrounded by paintings that i care about, paintings i believe in, that i can see are Good, and i am sitting inside faith today rather than fear.

i'll take a long, long run this morning. it has become such a private and beautiful act. completely like prayer. i will let it do its good work so that i may do mine.

good morning.

i've missed you. :)