these texts are an archive of my life in the San Francisco Bay Area from march 2007 - march 2015. it stands as a record of close to a decade of my life, charting the struggles i faced as an artist, daughter, and lover. messy and chaotic at times, eloquent and poetic at others, these texts are an index i am proud of. it was here in this electric box that i learned how to be honest about my experiences and the person i needed to become. it was here that i first learned the truism that words make the world and how to trust such a beautiful, rife, hard fact.

thank you for meeting me here in such tall grass.


my artist website is here.
Showing posts with label prose. Show all posts
Showing posts with label prose. Show all posts

Feb 25, 2013

correct me. seriously.



.


 there is nothing to promise



there is nothing to promise, I promise you.  please excuse the awkward tears in my paper.  the bites in your cheek.  let me lay quietly, don’t reprimand me.  don’t reprimand me just take my face in your hands, your big hands, your big hands.  if we were both willing and fashioned from stronger material maybe we could be the instruments from which music for bad people is made.  if we were stronger.  or if i was.  if i were better.  if i could take a better beating.  let me try.  i look at you and shiver.  i remember your blue eye.  the way you peered at me through that hot inch of air.  pupil to black pupil, my curiosity spread wide.  it is no secret that my ultimate intention is to burn this body down to nothing, just a cold and stupid, grey stump, good for nothing save for the paste you might make from spit and ash.  my mother’s heart rattles inside her silver tin.  my mother’s heart rattles in my ear.  i put your fingers in my mouth and suck the salt you offer.  i put whatever you offer into my mouth and take the meaning you provide.  down down down in to my stomach and i think of my skin turning young below your nails.  my mother’s heart was burned down to nothing and made useless save for the paste you might make from spit and ash.  her widower marries another and her ash still shivers in the cold confines of her Clock Urn.  he said “might as well have something useful” when he picked out the carriage for her remains.




now, ask me if I believe man’s love is eternal.  now watch me laugh.



.



critique me.  i mean it.  i want to be good at this.  send me an email if you like.  angelasimione at gmail dot com



Oct 29, 2012

excerpt:

maybe...



(we breathed at each others mouths, panted at the open wish.  

we stared at each other, point blank,  blue eye to blue eye. 

he asked me if i was an atheist.

he had such a slow southern drawl.

he is the first man i ever watched masturbate.)



at a certain moment 
a certain level of detachment becomes necessary.

maybe one day i can be the thing that you can feel safe attaching your dreams to. 

maybe one day you can look at me and not feel abandoned.

maybe one day you can look at me and not feel like abandoning me.

maybe one day we can lay down, side by side, and just look at each other and talk easily, without any expectations about tomorrow.

maybe one day it'll be okay to think about tomorrow.

maybe one day thinking about tomorrow won't be so scary.

maybe one day you'll be able to brush my hair out of my eyes and fall in love with my smile.

maybe one day you'll be able to brush my hair out of my eyes and fall in love with me.

maybe one day we'll be able to tell the truth to each other and not get upset.

maybe one day i'll open myself to you in the way you've been wanting me to.

maybe one day i'll let you watch me.

maybe one day i'll be able to sleep below your warm body and resign myself to that lovely ache of hearts beating against one another, out of time, through so many layers of skin and sweat, belly button to belly button, my tits against your chest and my hair falling in to both our gasping mouths. 

maybe one day we won't be strange shapes in each others day.

maybe one day i won't drink so much.

maybe one day i won't stay up so late.

maybe one day we won't be strangers.




.

Dec 24, 2009

a short short strange little story. i'm getting practice with these things.

the letter



i didn't give an answer. i only took the keys.

a clank on the dresser.

i started the car.
a crow in the yard.
two hurt hands and a long, undeliverable letter:

it is a timid bell. failing light. gentle windings. a web of smoke. the colors change as the ink runs out. floundering violet.

i steal pens from the library, the dentist's office, the DMV, the neighbor. the letter grows. crawls like rust. it has its own suitcase. it makes piles all over the floor.

i know every one of the little things by heart. the small secret scorns, the shadings, the unexplainable pains that grow and twist, still alive, still writhing. i have memorized the curling. the spikes. the lists. i can still smell your stinking rotten mouth. i can still hear the FUCK FUCK FUCK! the restless stench, the dinner that got forgot, the snarl and the tear, how i bent bent bent and agreed to all i had argued. the orders. the plums i fed the thin beast in winter, expensive, so far out of season and us so poor. i looked under the cushions for dimes and in the pockets of coats that didn't belong to me. i had agreed to all i had argued. i said i love you when i didn't want to. i said it was okay when it wasn't. i said everything will be alright when i knew it wouldn't be. i said it and i washed your hair. i said it and i cried in the shower. i said it with my hand on the knob and all my clothes in garbage bags. i said it
and it sent my ships to the bottom.

sometimes i am lucky.
sometimes i peek out.
i find the scattered nouns. the names i lost, shaken out.
i pin them down. i trace the edges. i put them in the letter.
the safe end of the mattress. the home waters. endless. endless.
and no wolves in the canal.

yesterday, i found an old ink pen under the couch. it is winter again. no plums on the counter. no plum in my hand.

the letter will never be finished.

a wish gone un-given.










i'm not sure if this is done or even what it is. but it's here and calling and it needs some breathing room, some stretching room. i'll figure it out one day. eventually. and i'm so happy to have stopped caring about things like plot or having an obvious point.