in chronological order from first to last, the notebooks...
Showing posts with label count down. Show all posts
Showing posts with label count down. Show all posts
Dec 30, 2009
Dec 29, 2009
3...
so close. so close. and i filled the very last page in my notebook this morning. i wanted it to last me all the way to the end of december but i got on a hot streak and fill a minimum of 6 pages every morning. i'll just shove some loose paper in the back and keep on writing, writing, writing all the way until the ritual ends.
today i was thinking about the difference between needs and desires... and how some desires are so strong, so based in personal values and ethics that even if they aren't needs in the survival sense of the word, they are still very real necessities. i'm trying to make distinctions between what i find to be necessary to my life and practice, and what i've been told or taught to expect of these things. it is a squirrely, winding thing. but good and worthwhile. i'm making lists. i'm reading the work of people i admire. i'm trying to learn from them, their work, their bravery. i'm feeling kind and easy and sweet. and very very lucky.
today i was thinking about the difference between needs and desires... and how some desires are so strong, so based in personal values and ethics that even if they aren't needs in the survival sense of the word, they are still very real necessities. i'm trying to make distinctions between what i find to be necessary to my life and practice, and what i've been told or taught to expect of these things. it is a squirrely, winding thing. but good and worthwhile. i'm making lists. i'm reading the work of people i admire. i'm trying to learn from them, their work, their bravery. i'm feeling kind and easy and sweet. and very very lucky.
Dec 27, 2009
5...
the countdown begins...
and me, still sick and heavy with the sadness sickness brings... or is it the holidays? this time of year seems to have an adverse effect on most people. it breaks the stride of happiness and productivity and thankfulness, contrary to what the holidays are supposed to mean. still sniffly and stuffy and aggravated but somehow excited to see the new year arrive. i'm glad to see 2009 shove off and a new opening, a portal, spread wide-open in front of me. there are too many hopes for me to list. my head is too deep in the fog of congestion. the fog is not burning off. but the hopes are here, alive and thumping despite lethargy and distraction. hope always, shining bright as a child, shining like a new tooth, a golden door knob, an open, lucky window, a promise ring, a charm bracelet, a poem. shining shining.
the shining is what needs to be clung to.
this year so many things changed. it was all flux and chaos and desire. it was lost to despair sometimes. it was swimming in bliss sometimes. it was a bundle of love and hate and hurt and pleasure. it was angry and mean. it was gentle and soft. time fell out of step. the fog layed down. the fog refused to burn off. and then suddenly... the brightness. shining hope and unexpected kindness and inexplicable resilience. and there are still 5 days to go.
most days, i am thankful for all of it. even the hard stuff. even the stuff that hurt so bad and broke my heart. even the things that made me want to scrap the whole shibang and start all over again. all of it. because through the hard stuff came such beauty, polished and gleaming and unexpected. in that barren space, words sprung up and twisted themselves around in to odd little poems and i learned that the rules no longer matter. and it's a nice place to be... to have gotten far along enough to know that the rules no longer apply. and that is what 2009 has been. the shattering of ALL RULE.
and me, still sick and heavy with the sadness sickness brings... or is it the holidays? this time of year seems to have an adverse effect on most people. it breaks the stride of happiness and productivity and thankfulness, contrary to what the holidays are supposed to mean. still sniffly and stuffy and aggravated but somehow excited to see the new year arrive. i'm glad to see 2009 shove off and a new opening, a portal, spread wide-open in front of me. there are too many hopes for me to list. my head is too deep in the fog of congestion. the fog is not burning off. but the hopes are here, alive and thumping despite lethargy and distraction. hope always, shining bright as a child, shining like a new tooth, a golden door knob, an open, lucky window, a promise ring, a charm bracelet, a poem. shining shining.
the shining is what needs to be clung to.
this year so many things changed. it was all flux and chaos and desire. it was lost to despair sometimes. it was swimming in bliss sometimes. it was a bundle of love and hate and hurt and pleasure. it was angry and mean. it was gentle and soft. time fell out of step. the fog layed down. the fog refused to burn off. and then suddenly... the brightness. shining hope and unexpected kindness and inexplicable resilience. and there are still 5 days to go.
most days, i am thankful for all of it. even the hard stuff. even the stuff that hurt so bad and broke my heart. even the things that made me want to scrap the whole shibang and start all over again. all of it. because through the hard stuff came such beauty, polished and gleaming and unexpected. in that barren space, words sprung up and twisted themselves around in to odd little poems and i learned that the rules no longer matter. and it's a nice place to be... to have gotten far along enough to know that the rules no longer apply. and that is what 2009 has been. the shattering of ALL RULE.
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