play

3 studies i did while i was out in the tennessee countryside, hiding away in the back of my brain with kiki smith and alice...

oh, Alice!

i started reading Alice's Adventures in Wonderland again last night and oh, i am floored by her! i want to make myself a t-shirt that says 'curiouser and curiouser' on the front of it. i'm sure it already exists somewhere. i'll have to scout around. and also one that says 'twinkle, twinkle, little bat'. i told myself i'm not allowed to buy any related merchandise until i've read the story at least 5 times but i don't think i'm going to be able to hold out that long. :) the story strikes deep enough on the first read to make you a lifer.

all the morning

outside with my notebook and coffee this morning on my cold little stoop, the moon was white and full in the little window between the tall trees. i'd never seen it there in the morning before. the earth has spun now, i suppose, now that it is winter. and that morning moon was full and gleaming. bright white. a chill came down and my breath went white as well.

the roast is roasting. the coffee is brewed. and the smells made my dreams strange this morning while i was curled up waiting for my hazelnut. i drempt i was very fat. not in my face but as my eyes crept down the length of my body, my body got larger and larger and dimpled and puckered. the largeness of the moon reminded me with all its pits and pools. i was not afraid in my dream or angry or repulsed. i just looked at myself in the mirror and smiled at my naked reflection and then i woke up.

and then i sat and watched the moon dip down as i scribbled and scribbled in my new notebook. its window wide and open but she slipped low behind the black curtain of tangled branches and thin leaves and needles. edging down. bashful. guarded. the sky moved from indigo to prussian blue to my beloved and dusty cornflower and, now, the pale blue of certain dogs eyes.

most of the names i use for colors come from paint tubes and crayons.

and again last night, we curled up in bed, safe and silent and turned our pages. a soft moment shared. i read two more shorts in "The Bloody Chamber" and one from "Rose Red". sinister fairy-tales. adult, dark, and devoid of the 'happily ever afters'. there is blood and corrupt virgins, stealthy in their knowledge of men. and Alice runs and jumps inside my brain somewhere; playing games and arguing with herself, two people at once, pretending and dreaming and talking talking talking. such a chatter-box little girl. just like i was. just like i am. my first true sentence was, "mama, let me tell you something". and Alice is not at all embarrassed. i like that her favorite thing is to talk to herself. little quizzical day-dreamer, little daffodil.

my faceless maids are waiting for me. our relationship is in reverse- they give me the instructions and they've started talking again. side by side, three large canvasses against the white wall, enjoyably haunting my home. titanium white and mars black and german earth and sepia and ivory white. oh, they are lovely and i miss them already even though they aren't even finished yet. my loves! my lovely, lovely ladies! if i could be as beautiful.

magic

awake, awake, awake after a good, warm, deep sleep and i don't remember any dreams at all. we got in bed a few hours early to read and ended up staying up a few hours late. we nested down side by side in all the big pillows and ate strawberries and pistachios as the pages turned and turned. and i noticed right away how good and softly romantic it all was and felt so thankful and happy. i wondered how many couples do things like this, or even how many friends, in pajamas and blankets, curl up together with books and things to munch and i hope most people do.

i read, all in one sitting, 'Alice's Adventures in Wonderland'. and on the 2nd page i thought, 'this is a story i'll read over and over again. this is a story i need to read over and over again'. i wanted to begin again at the beginning the second i finished it and commit the little rhymes and songs to memory before i moved on to 'Through the Looking Glass'. twinkle, twinkle, little bat. i read it like a child and didn't look for any symbolism or any of that junk whatsoever. i just read it and got lifted away by it, let the writing sink in to me and swim around and reek some wonder in my bones and brain, let the silliness spawn and multiply. my dear radish king is right- this story has magic in it and i can't believe i never read it until last night. the writing is just so good and so so musical. infectiously musical and full!

and when i went outside this morning with my coffee and my notebook and my dog, there was a wild turkey right there at the line of the forest, trying to fly, flying a foot or two at a time, back and forth, going nowhere at all, back and forth and gobbling all the while. inga sniffed the air and figured she'd find the ball she stole from the neighbor's dog instead of watch the turkey with me. the boredom of a rottweiler makes no sense. but i watched the poor, stupid thing and eventually it waddled its way deeper in to the trees, gobbling and gobbling, and a new bird with a weird squawk came to take its place.

sigh...

the house is warm and the left-overs are tucked away safely in the fridge. i had ham and mashed potatoes once already today and plan to have another plate of said deliciousness once more before bed. it is the third ham i've ever made and this time i got it perfectly right. it is just the right level of saltiness. so yummy. i love salty foods. and we also have a brand new bag of pistachios which will be chomped on at some point this evening as well.

we did leave the house for a while today, in spite of it being Black Friday, to go to the book store. i hate Black Friday and i do not participate. i do not find it to be exciting or exhilarating in the slightest. i don't think it's funny to be mean to people and i don't like it when i'm put in the position to be mean back just to maintain my own personal safety. there is no deal so sweet that i am bribed in to venturing out at 3am to go shopping. none. besides, seeing grandmothers fight over sweaters and grown men fight over computer screens is not joyous for me. i find it all sadly silly, to say the least, and morally abhorrent, to say it best. fuck Black Friday and all it stands for.

but the book store was pretty much as empty as it always is. sad... but at least one safe haven, one room of peace and silence, one bastion of intelligence and beauty and goodness for me to duck in to. i picked up another copy of Catcher in the Rye because some friend (i have no clue which one) stole my last copy of it. this has happened twice now. i can't make sense of it. the other thing friends, or shall i say "friends", steal from me is Hole's "Live Through This". i've had to re-buy that album more times than i can remember. it is no longer lent out to anyone. ANYONE. it's MINE MINE MINE and NO YOU CAN'T BORROW IT, DON'T EVEN LOOK AT IT!

but back to books- i also got angela carter's "The Bloody Chamber" and Lewis Carrol's "Alice in Wonderland". can you believe i've never read it? AHHHHHHHHHHH! shameful, i know! but i will rectify this most grievous trespass shortly. i promise. there's really no excuse for this except maybe that was the year i had a bad teacher or something. i really don't know. at any rate, i've got my very own copy now and will read it this winter. it seemed like the perfect book to lay in bed all day with.

and as the cashier rang me up, i noticed what a spooky little girl my purchases made me look like. it made me smile. the guy behind the counter smiled back, not creeped out in the slightest. good man.