i need to start over, perhaps.
i need a different set of rules (or maybe no rules at all) when it comes to this place, when it comes to words on a page, when it comes to reaching out to other human beings through these electronic waves.
i've had this little sandbox of mine for so long, this blog. the last few months it's become increasingly hard to write here and i'm not sure why. i want to write here. i miss having a daily love affair with my blog and want to rekindle my fervor. walking home from the grocery store this evening, i agonized over why it's been so hard for me to come here, to type out the words... and i think it's because i'm judging the whole enterprise by what this blog has been and not allowing for what it could be. i'm not allowing for change and so it's become stagnant.
maybe i needed a break for awhile too. maybe i needed to step away from the out-pour. maybe i needed a bit of privacy. everyone needs to curl up under the covers some times and just hide from life. i'm no different. perhaps that's all i've really been doing by not writing here: claiming a space of silence for myself, allowing myself a deep, abiding privacy and quietude.
some explorations are necessarily made under lock and key, away from the eyes and ears of the world, in total darkness, in total silence, under the sheets, without words, without record, without apology. i've largely enjoyed my silence. still, it isn't me to not write. it is such a huge part of who i am and how i live. there is the diary, yes, and there always will be but the writing i do there is entirely different from what lands in public spaces. a different impulse is responsible for bringing me to this electric square of light and a different urge is satisfied when i type. a different demon is exorcised when i publish my thoughts here.
i need to just let this space evolve. evolve or die. the strictures must be chopped away and i need to hold on to the fact that this place was always intended to be a place where i could say whatever i wanted, without fear and without judgement. it's always been meant to be a play-space. it's unhelpful for me to judge my life and self and writing NOW by what i wrote BEFORE. i need to let go of the writer i used to be and nurture the writer i am now. i'm not who i once was. the temperature of my entire world has changed and, when i look back, certain days feel like total fictions.
how do i set myself free from what my own practice has been? how do i stop holding up current projects to the expectations set down by previous accomplishments? how do i write without thinking at all about what i've written before? how do i begin again? how do i start anew? because that's exactly what needs to happen.
these texts are an archive of my life in the San Francisco Bay Area from march 2007 - march 2015. it stands as a record of close to a decade of my life, charting the struggles i faced as an artist, daughter, and lover. messy and chaotic at times, eloquent and poetic at others, these texts are an index i am proud of. it was here in this electric box that i learned how to be honest about my experiences and the person i needed to become. it was here that i first learned the truism that words make the world and how to trust such a beautiful, rife, hard fact.
thank you for meeting me here in such tall grass.
my artist website is here.
my artist website is here.