artist statement

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sometimes...

sometimes sometimes sometimes...

(manchmal...
quelquefois...    )



sometimes art is only about your own ridiculousness...



sometimes art is only about how lonely you feel, how separate, how insecure. sometimes art is only about the text message that went unanswered.  sometimes art is only about the pain that sweeps through you silently and unseen on the train as you careen home, alone, wishing there was someone to hug on the other side of your own front door.  sometimes art is sentimental and sticky.  sometimes art doesn't give two shits if it's pretty or not or if it's got a red face when it cries.  sometimes art is only about the fact that it's fucking 2am and you're drunk and tired of feeling alone and separate and insecure and that's exactly why you're drunk in the first fucking place.  sometimes art isn't about any of the fucking theories.  sometimes it's about your dead mother and sometimes it's about your absent father and sometimes it's about how estranged you've become in this wide world of christian morals and families holding hands on sundays.  sometimes art is about all those nameless regrets...  because what is it to regret something that was never really even a choice or a deed, simply an event...  like childhood.  sometimes art is only about that deep ache to be touched.  sometimes art is only about the need for a good, hard slap on the ass and the fact you have to find a way to go on living tonight without it. sometimes it is so fucking Freudian there's no way around it: we want what we want.  and sometimes that's all art is.  sometimes that's all it possibly can be. sometimes art is just a girl, alone in her room, drunk on vodka at 2am, wanting what she wants and yet barred from it all, staring wide-eyed at her own desires and crying over their absence.  sometimes art is only about longing.  sometimes art is only about desperation.  sometimes art is only about finding a way to believe life is worth it.  sometimes art is only a way to convince yourself that your own life might actually matter, somehow, to someone else, somewhere.  sometimes art is only a way to remind yourself you have a sister and you have a brother and, if not for yourself, then for them.  keep drawing (breathing, working, trying, aching, striving, smiling) for them.  sometimes art is only a way to keep yourself sane.  sometimes art is simply a reaching toward faith.  a way to build faith.  a way to believe in something other than your own solitary breaths, exhaled in white puffs in a cold, empty room.  sometimes art is simply the life-preserver you throw to yourself.  sometimes art is the only window you've got.  the only friend you've got.  the only mother you've got.  the only god you've got.

sometimes art is another way to pray.




sometimes i'm 8 years old again, alone and afraid of the dark, and dreaming of a savior...



i reach for my pencil.  i reach for my pen.  i reach for my hook.  i make a drawing.  i make a poem.  i make a blanket.  i take care of my fucking self.

sometimes that's all art is.


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