these texts are an archive of my life in the San Francisco Bay Area from march 2007 - march 2015. it stands as a record of close to a decade of my life, charting the struggles i faced as an artist, daughter, and lover. messy and chaotic at times, eloquent and poetic at others, these texts are an index i am proud of. it was here in this electric box that i learned how to be honest about my experiences and the person i needed to become. it was here that i first learned the truism that words make the world and how to trust such a beautiful, rife, hard fact.

thank you for meeting me here in such tall grass.

my artist website is here.

Aug 16, 2013

impotent dick

okay, okay...  so i have a bit of a habit.  me and my big black marker possess quite an affinity for abandoned furniture.  i just can't help it.  :)

in honor of David Wojnarowicz
58th Street Oakland, CA
August 15th, 2013

the flash blew out the black lines of the text but whatever.  this isn't an art that cares about being pretty.  in fact, prettiness is the least of its concerns.  the uglier the better, actually.  as human beings, we spend substantially more time discussing, dissecting, analysing, and assessing the "ugly" than we do the "beautiful".  that's an observation i can use as a tool and my aching heart simply won't let me walk passed an opportunity to get a little ink out in the world.

i actually walked passed this loveseat and made it all the way to the next block before the hook got in, whipped me around, and lured me back.  it's impossible to resist such a big, open canvas when i've got my Sharpie Magnum in my bag.  :)  especially after having sucked down a Corona after work and walked a mile from the train after waiting tables for 6 hours and all i can think of are the hands that aren't on my tits and the tongue that isn't in my mouth, my empty bed and my dead mother and how totally fucking angry me and my siblings are, how totally angry me and everyone else is. at least half the time.  because at least half the time we all feel like we're caught in some sorta crazy shit that is spinning well beyond our control and IF we're not allowed to have control then let's get a little out of fucking control. why not?  just once.  just for a minute.  let's see what it's like.  let's see if it feels good.  let's see if the house really burns down.  let's call bullshit on the threats.  let's see if the rules really exist or if its just impotent dick.  because i learned the hard way what being "good"  gets me.  scraps just like any other begging dog and no closer to claiming a seat in any supposed heaven.

it isn't bitterness.

and so i sat down on the edge of this loveseat abandoned on the street and i searched and searched and searched for my big black marker in the crazy abyss of my big black bag.  it took a while to root it out but i wasn't in a hurry.  one of my favorite things about being a Grown Up is the fact that i'm allowed to be out at night.  i love walking around my beloved oakland after midnight when everything is slow and dark and romantic.  i love the way streetlamps make everything beautiful; lonely in that way that makes the tears sting...  that unnamable heartache that lives within us all...

it isn't bitterness, it's heartache.

i take out my marker and i think of my mother.  i think of all the things she wanted to do.  i remember David Wojnarowicz and how adamant he was, how dedicated and in love with Art, how totally convinced he was that humanity matters and that we all have a right to live, not just march toward our End.  i think of what a minimal effort it takes to simply REACH IN YOUR BAG AND GET YOUR PEN, GIRL and i write the words.

i write the words because words make the world.  and i want to be in control of the world that i'm making for myself.  i want to see myself sitting securely below the lamplight on a dark street after midnight writing the mantra of a dead artist on a dead loveseat.  i want to see myself alive and moving, passionate and reaching toward the world.  fuck it if i make a mistake.  fuck it if the rules are real after all.  i can't stand the thought of dying before i've actually managed to say something.

it isn't bitterness, it's heartache.  it's the heartache born of realizing our time is too short and a day will never be longer than it is and later this week the loveseat will be hauled away to the dump where it will be hacked in to pieces by a man with a big bad axe.  and that's exactly the point.  one day, that's gonna be me too.  and you. 


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