these texts are an archive of my life in the San Francisco Bay Area from march 2007 - march 2015. it stands as a record of close to a decade of my life, charting the struggles i faced as an artist, daughter, and lover. messy and chaotic at times, eloquent and poetic at others, these texts are an index i am proud of. it was here in this electric box that i learned how to be honest about my experiences and the person i needed to become. it was here that i first learned the truism that words make the world and how to trust such a beautiful, rife, hard fact.

thank you for meeting me here in such tall grass.

my artist website is here.

Apr 26, 2013

please put on this gown...


yep.  pushed myself a little too hard a little too soon by walking to the store the other day.  yesterday, i tried to make the same walk for a second time and failed miserably.  i had to turn around after getting only a block away from my house.  i spent the rest of the afternoon and evening laying on an ice pack and feeling sorry for myself.  i felt SO sorry for myself, in fact, that i didn't write at all yesterday.  i curled up in to my own sadness and i stayed there.  i couldn't stop myself from thinking: i'm supposed to be in New York right now.  

at 11 o'clock, i sent my sweet friend Jose a text that i was sad and trying very hard not to get lost in self-pity.  he called me and talked me up for a solid hour.  he reminded me that new york isn't going anywhere and this is truly just a minor setback, a short delay in the plan which may even prove to be a valuable event.  it makes me hungrier for my goals and dreams, that's for sure.

but the real issue was that i was back to hobbling around as if no progress had been made.  and when it comes to me and my life right now, progress needs to be made.  i woke up early and went to Urgent Care.  the doctor complimented me on having diagnosed myself correctly as well as having prescribed myself the correct treatment.  "Just keep doing more of the same," he said, "but here's some Vicodin too.  If your not better in a week, we may have to explore other options but I'm hopeful that since you went so many years without re-injury, you'll heal just fine."  i hope so too and the way he said these things gave me confidence that maybe, if i just relax and stop focusing on the many negatives of this situation and attempt to see this as a learning opportunity, that i will be back to normal in no time flat.

my beautiful friend Trish came by after work today and took me to the store to pick up fish and vegetables to eat for the next few days.  i plan to pretty much keep myself incapacitated with painkillers so that i move as little as possible.  i may or may not get any blogging done after posting this.  maybe i'll just let myself be a netflix-addicted mess for the next 3 days and see how that aids my recovery?  i need to get back to work.  i need to get back in to the swing and hum of existence.  i need to feel undaunted and assured and trust that, now, it really is only a matter of time before i can step confidently back in to the rhythm of my life.  

the upside is that i've actually managed to get some reading done.  i read Freud's "Mourning and Melancholia" again.  it's been no less than 5 years since i last read it and it happened to be laying at the top of one of the boxes i brought home from my storage unit.  in addition to that, several essays in Kris Kraus's "Video Green".  i think her book is quickly becoming one of my favorite volumes of collected essays of all time.  where else can one find such a beautiful stew of art theory, LA living, and personal reflections upon one's exploration of S/m?  it's amazing! i think i'll actually enjoy one more essay and a cocktail before getting zonked out on meds and movies and crochet.

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