my Talent of the Room finds me and every morning i spend a solid 2 hours writing in my diary at the kitchen table as i sip my coffee. i look out the window onto my busy street. i listen to the cars and people rambling by. i feel the sun on my legs and the pen in my hand. soft pleasures. necessities. i can't imagine ever being without this little waking ritual of mine. i can't imagine ever giving this up. these hours behind the pen, inside language, inside the inexplicable twists of dreams and memories. there's nothing "little" about it.
i've fallen back in to a phase of self-investigation and exploration. i doubt one's need for such things ever really goes away and that's probably a good thing. as i gain insight and information, i recalibrate. as i pick up moments of confusion and wonder - or even doubt and fear - i use them to look a bit closer at my own motives and desires. everyday i seem to be learning more about myself. i feel like i'm growing up in a totally new way.
i finished reading the second volume of my 2012 diary yesterday on my train to work. going through these pages is an integral part of my current round of investigation. i feel so lucky to have such a tool at my disposal. i can't explain how amazingly valuable it is to be able to read exactly what i was thinking about and wrestling with on THIS DAY one year ago. it's a fantastic was to measure change. but also, i return to the idea that to keep a diary is more than simply recording one's thoughts and activities. it is a life's work. i've said so many times here that words make the world and i truly believe that. language is a living, nebulous thing and our use of it impacts how we see ourselves and the world we inhabit. it determines the world we create. my attractions all have a root in Language. from the look of a person's handwriting to the particularities and lilt of speech to the a person's command over poetics or even just the maintenance of a deep, strong vocabulary, my interest is ensnared. i have deep attraction to people who have big vocabularies and can use them effortlessly, who don't sound pompous and puffed-up. even the sound of someone's sigh is attractive to me and a good laugh is a very strong aphrodisiac.
all this to say- language, in all its forms, the very act of and desire to communicate with another human being is something i've always been attracted to and is a basic building block of my own personality. as i look back and re-live certain experiences through the lens of my diary, i see how necessary certain types of connection are to me. i need conversation, intellectual engagement, philosophic enterprise, and poetic experience. simply put, i need passion. i am not a simple person who can be satisfied by simple relationships. i'm not difficult either but "difficult" is not the only opposite of "simple". complexity is also an antonym. i like complex people. i like the mysteries they contain. i like not knowing the next thing that might shoot out of a person's mouth and i appreciate people who know how to hold up their end of a conversation.
sounds simple enough until i look deeper at the statements that i just put forth. it is romantic to say that i want a passionate life. but in accepting a passionate life, one also accepts the necessity of pain. one must accept certain risks and that sometimes the gamble will be lost. i won't always come out on top but, thankfully, i'm the type of person that can turn almost any negative in to a positive. i'm not thankful that other people have mistreated me and i would probably never thank someone for their atrocious behavior regardless of the good that may have ended up flowing from it later on. but i am thankful to be the kind of person that can take that hurt and allow it to polish me rather than become embittered against others. it's not so much a point of forgiving others as it is a matter of forgiving myself. i'm not exactly sure what that means or how to accomplish such a thing other than learning from my own mistakes and not allowing myself to slide back in to familiar, yet harmful, patterns.
it's difficult to know, though, when i'm being smart or when i'm running scared. certain emotions make me feel foolish now and i've noticed lately that i run from them. i play it cool and not a single ripple of embarrassment or heartache will show on my surface if i can help it. i have no problem showcasing pain in art or writing or even here on the blog but i do not put that shit on display in front of many other people. there is a very small handful of people that i am close enough with to really lay my emotions out in front of and, within that group, still fewer that i would actually allow to see or hear me cry. but i suppose that feeling foolish (or even actually being foolish from time to time) is going to be part of the ride. necessarily so. but i don't know how to uproot this idea that seems to have grown in me that others will find my emotions to be repulsive. i don't know how to counteract my experience that people run away from the darkness a human being contains. i don't know how to stop believing that most people are fair-weather friends. somehow i must unlearn these things and manage to become brave enough to risk feeling foolish. it's the next step in becoming a better friend and a better artist. risk is mandatory. especially for someone like me who wants to know about the world and establish meaning in life. especially for someone who doesn't think before she writes and puts all this shit out on to the internet for anyone to read. ;)