in reference to all that needs to be referenced

i am not interested in spelling anything out or defining a fucking thing.

the meaning i make is my own. the meaning you make is your own. if the meaning you make comes from the meaning i make then our meanings are siblings. sometimes they will love each other. sometimes they will pull each other's hair. sometimes they will grow to become sworn enemies. the cycle is the cycle and as i proceed i see that reason fails. reason fails but the effort toward it is noble, as is the effort toward passion.

these are observations.

the year is winding down.

today on the train i started reading my diary from a year ago. it is absolutely amazing and glaring how different i am today than i was a year ago. a parent burned to ash will do that to you.

so much has changed. so much has remained the same. so much needs to take root and so much needs to be rooted out.

you have no idea how badly i want to caress the side of your face. my cold hand aches to move gently against your warm cheek.

"cold hands, warm heart" becca reminds me.

perfect timing

all of a sudden, the light of evening shifts.

all of a sudden, so heartbroken and small.

we worry our hands and tap our feet.

or i do.

but my face is calm. i do not shiver or sneer.

you don't know a thing.

my lipstick is perfect.

church goers

me and my friend becca call going to the museum "going to church". our faith blossoms. our strength is restored. we leave feeling so much lighter than when we came in. affirmed. dedicated. courageous. committed.

we also have a fun little habit of turning any art piece that incorporates a mirror into an opportunity to make self-portraits. the MOCA was rife with said opportunity. :)




me




my beautiful friend and amazing artist, rebecca schillinger




mirrors




becca smiling. so pretty!!!




silly girls.




more silly girls.




homeboy in the back taking pictures of us taking pictures of ourselves. hmmmm.




yours truly. :)




plan a museum trip with a friend.

these days

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just drive

i finished reading The Female Eunuch and i think everyone needs to read it or re-read it as the case may be. especially the section LOVE. and especially the section HATE. and then definitely especially the section REVOLUTION. there is a difference, germaine greer states, between Reaction and Revolution which i think is a very important distinction to make. and very important now. very important in our time, all these changes and ideas, all these plans, all these wings on hinges, all these words floating around or being cast across vast distances like arrows. i have arrows in my eyes these days. reading all the time. it's the best thing for me and i feel so glad that words matter as much as they do. i'm so glad that poetry still exists even after all the damage that's been done. i'm glad to know that art and poetry and music can all be made out of anything, even ruins and left-overs.

words make the world. i'm glad to know that language changes, morphs, slides perversely against itself and births itself anew.

it is such a cold morning. and quiet. soon i'll need to get dressed, get myself on the train, and get my ass to work. in a few days i'll be driving down the I-5 to southern california to attend the show at Craftswoman House. there is so much to do between now and then and i'm trying not to think about it, just do it, just get it done, so i can get in the car with a clear heart and DRIVE DRIVE DRIVE. i'm looking forward to the length of the drive, all those hours by myself behind the wheel in the isolated desolate plain of central california. the heat and the wind. the closed rest stops. the horrible cattle farms. but space. endless blue above. the road itself an arrow of purpose. images in my eyes and heart and hands, a song on my tongue. i will listen to music loud. i will pull off the road to write.

(half the time i wish to be incredibly beautiful. the other half of the time, i wish for incredible ugliness. i think after a certain point, everything becomes Amazing and labels like Beautiful and Ugly fall flat but, for now, i am in this land and on this dirt and it is what i am attracted to.)

i am anxious for coffee. let's get some lipstick on this mug and get this show on the road.