these texts are an archive of my life in the San Francisco Bay Area from march 2007 - march 2015. it stands as a record of close to a decade of my life, charting the struggles i faced as an artist, daughter, and lover. messy and chaotic at times, eloquent and poetic at others, these texts are an index i am proud of. it was here in this electric box that i learned how to be honest about my experiences and the person i needed to become. it was here that i first learned the truism that words make the world and how to trust such a beautiful, rife, hard fact.

thank you for meeting me here in such tall grass.


my artist website is here.

Aug 11, 2011

crux

the fact is that the 6 month mark of losing my mother undid me in ways i couldn't have expected. there is no way to know how this thing will manifest in me. how it will spill and slide. my life has become a strange, winding thing. daily, i can change. shift. one glance, a breath, can change the entire world.

tomorrow marks month 7 and only now is the angry, confused fog i've been living in for the past month beginning to lift. no one would guess it had they bumped in to me on the street. i've become quite good at ignoring myself until i am entirely alone. i have become quite good at limiting the ripples that belie the chaos of my interiority. i am straight-faced. i am smiling. i am a happy person. i wear dark glasses and water-proof mascara. no one is the wiser that i'm crying while driving down the freeway. i have been on a hamster wheel for an entire month chasing the same horrible vapors, the same unnameable longing. i haven't returned the concerned emails people have sent. i haven't had the stomach for it. i contain my vomit to my diary. i put my sorrow in the stitches of my sweaters. i store my massive, unyielding anxiety and fear in the Worry Roses. i am making a new garden.

i put on my ripped jeans and note the date. i've been without cigarettes for 10 months today. i stumble toward this new animal, this new person i'm becoming, this new girl. whoever she is.

2 comments:

freya prowe said...

hi Angela,

It is always (selfishly) good for me to check in on your blog. Thank you. Miss you and will schedule a dinner in september with you and Lea and anyone else you'd like to have. what's good for you? (sorry-not really a comment-but you know I love what you write and it touches me)

angela simione said...

freya! my beautiful friend, i miss you too!!!! you are one of the least selfish people i have EVER met. hands down, and it is an honor that you read here (i think i even have a blog post about that). ;)

i can't wait to see you! a dinner with you and lea would be absolutely perfect. heaven! :) i'll send you a text today from work while i'm staring at my schedule. YAY!!!!