dang!

oh, crazy life, crazy morning, crazy mourning, crazy minutes speeding by so fast! 3 weeks until finals. 3 weeks and then it is summer vacation. this first semester back on a college campus sped by at an unbelievably quick pace. between studying and working and working and looking for an apartment (still! though i think we may have finally found something this passed thursday. fingers crossed!) my head is reeling. i begin to stretch out the length of my long mornings on days i am able. days like today. the man is out and about and i am here, still in my polka dot pajamas, still sipping tea, still jumping back in bed with my notebook and pen, over and over again, refusing to let this part of the day come to a close, refusing to think about going to my retail gig this evening, keeping anais nin's diary within easy reach.

for as bad of a blogger as i've been, i've been an excellent writer in private. every morning i wake hungry for my notebook. every morning i move my pen along. and every night i've been curling up with anais' diary, turning page after page, copying entire passages in to my notebook to ingest, digest, roll around with as i sleep and dream and wake, as i become whatever it is i'm becoming. this Next, this Now.

there is a threshold waiting, breathing against my cheek, a crossing of sorts that needs to be made... and i have no clue how to do it or where this crossing even is. all i can think is that i must read as if my life depended on it. i must turn pages pages pages and be the best disciple i can be. all i can think is that i must become smarter, i must learn more, engage with words and textures and the wind on the other side of my window. i must be brazen and learn to stop caring so much about certain things- certain pleasantries, niceties, polite blah blah blahs that just get in the way, hurdles made of fear of abandonment, fear of hurting someone else, fear of being a disappointment, all the fears i was taught to have. i think of it more and more and it sickens me: the fears that get plugged in to children. but it is from this place of repulsion that i must jump forward in The Work. somehow i must catapult myself to the next level with The Work. all i can think is READ READ READ.

and in a little under 3 weeks i'll be installing a bit of work in a group show at Project One in the city. more on that in a few days but i'm super excited about it! i'm telling ya, life is nuts right now!

ich muss zeihnen! ich muss schrieben! Und ich muss den ganzen Tag studieren! ich habe ein Prufung am Mittwoch und ich habe veil zu tun! es ist verruckt!