it was a hot day but i still spent quite some time crocheting- black stitch black stitch black stitch, the hidden escapades and longings protected inside the twist. and also reading Wonderful, Wonderful Times by Elfrieda Jelinek in a hot, parked car, stopping to write my own flood, my own fumbling search for who knows what and then i wrote:
i feel like i am finally beginning to learn how to speak. and to let these things become documents. other people can decide for themselves what kind of documents they are. everyone will need them differently. everyone will let them be different things.
at least those who find them. my precious few. entirely precious and held dear.
i learned today and it burned away the internal, convinced-of pressures. the heat of these things lessening my anxious load. some steam released. locating new valves.
2 comments:
I read this post, the way you think, the way you work, the way you create, and I thought about my oldest daughter, who is around your age, Angela. She, too, is artistic and I think you'd get on well, but my children are wary of my blog activities.
One day I'd love to introduce the two of you but for the present, maybe time only will help her to find her way to you.
elisabeth,
this is just such a wonderful comment. :) i'll keep my fingers crossed she stumbles across me. is she involved in blogging at all?
i know that (to some extent) a few members of my family feel a little anxious about my blogging as well. maybe a bit on edge that i might say something too personal... but i think having this blog really makes me focus more on root issues, the underlying things, rather than focusing on specific events. it helps me to consider myself, my own role, and identify where i am in the mix of life. every now and then, i get nervous that maybe i've said too much or come across as totally neurotic but then i realize that even this place is a document of sorts. one that (hopefully) increases in value as i maintain it- seeing the road i've gone and the normalcy of The Struggle. and maybe it could one day be helpful to other people too.
from reading your blog (i've been reading it a lot lately), your children seem as wonderful and interesting as you are. their protective instinct is rooted in a deep love for you, for sure. and also probably the very common struggle to view one's mama as a Woman. i don't know if it bugs out other daughters but it sure took some time for me to get comfortable with the fact that my mom IS a Woman... just like me, and that she isn't "a mom" to other people. that the romance and pain of life is there for her too and that she is entitled to those things... that FULLNESS of the world.
of course, there's always certain topics that are off limits, hahahaha! there's just some stuff a child never wants to know about their parents. and vice versa, i'm sure! ha!
Post a Comment