these texts are an archive of my life in the San Francisco Bay Area from march 2007 - march 2015. it stands as a record of close to a decade of my life, charting the struggles i faced as an artist, daughter, and lover. messy and chaotic at times, eloquent and poetic at others, these texts are an index i am proud of. it was here in this electric box that i learned how to be honest about my experiences and the person i needed to become. it was here that i first learned the truism that words make the world and how to trust such a beautiful, rife, hard fact.

thank you for meeting me here in such tall grass.


my artist website is here.

Apr 19, 2010

human

it dawned on me yesterday while i was talking about art with my neighbor that i am currently in a phase of tremendous growth and change, and that it is both elating and PAINFUL. patience has become very very very important. because without it, i begin to place demands upon myself and my practice and my life that are not only unrealistic, but have nothing to do with what i truly want for myself.

i think, during times of rapid change and growth, it is very normal to feel that one's life is in a state of upheaval... and so gentleness becomes a mandatory thing. when i feel the chaos of change i begin to look outside for the cure. well, outside is loaded with ageism and sexism and, in this country, a general disdain for artistic, abstract, philosophic leanings and dispositions. most people seem to think that being an artist is just a whole bunch of happy fun play-time. it isn't. caring about the world, life, humanity, rights, wrongs, ethics... it's tiring to say the least. and it takes a lot of work not to become cynical.

but for the first time in years, i'm beginning to feel proud of myself again. i'm learning the hard way that perfection is not the goal and that i am allowed to make mistakes too without fearing that non-perfection means BAD BAD BAD. i am not a machine and shouldn't be expected to function like one. it's my responsibility to set that expectation down and possibly throw up a big fat middle finger to people who expect me to be a machine: no feelings, no offense, no opinion, just GO GO GO and don't you dare fuck up.

hmmmmmmmm. no thanks.

one of the reasons i like drawing and painting so much is that it is accepting and inclusive of (by its very nature) the inherent flaw of the human hand, the embrace of imperfection, the potential for accident and haphazard gestures. in that respect, there is an air of acceptance and forgiveness in art. and that's something everybody needs, including me. and so i will extend that kind of compassion to myself. i am not a genius and sometimes i get it wrong, sometimes i struggle, sometimes i fall short of my aspirations. but i also get back up again and keep trying. the images i'm working on currently and the writing i'm doing doesn't need to be "perfect" because the work itself is not about perfection. it is about respect though.. so as long as i approach my subjects respectfully and deal them the honor they deserve, the work succeeds. i choose to believe (or trust) that other people will see that quality shining through... that i really do care about the work and that i am giving it my all... my very best. and i will never water it down.

11 comments:

wiredwriter said...

hell no. watered-down art sucks.

angela simione said...

word.

thank you, jeff. :)

The Storialist said...

This resonates with me.

What also seems to fit in with this is learning to trust one's voice...that what we want to say matters. Patience is indeed important as we find our way to this voice.

I think of this quote, too:
"Don't ask yourself what the world needs. Ask yourself what makes you come alive and then go do that. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive."
-Dr. Howard Thurman

angela simione said...

hannah! thank you! this is an AWESOME quote. just the medicine i needed!

trusting one's voice is definitely hard hard HARD work. but it's worth the pain. definitely. :)

Alesa Warcan said...

Well there isn't really anything to worth adding to that. Two big thumbs up.

Unrelated, on my secondary blog, I posted some videos you might like...
Doll face as a downer, or 70 million as an upper, or the animation interview of Dali for a laugh (or the actual interview itself).
Sorry, I don't mean to pimp my own blog. It's just that I happened to have put up some stuff you may like. Cheers.

angela simione said...

you can always always pimp your own blog over here! :)

i watched the doll face short. so so so sad. i'll be back to watch the others and leave comments over at your lovely blog. :)

Alesa Warcan said...

Nodnod, it is that. That's why I recommended a course that started with a downer and followed on an upper. ; j
I've been quoting bits of the Dali interview at my cat all day... She doesn't get but it still makes me laugh. "Eet iz da critical paranoiac method!" Hahaha...

Elisabeth said...

It's wonderful to share your growth here Angela and to watch you grow, however painful it might sometimes be.

You are indeed prolific.

angela simione said...

thank you, elisabeth. :)

i definitely don't feel prolific most of the time... which might mean i need to double-check my definitions for "work" and "progress". the struggle of things can be so distracting. but lately, i've felt appreciative of the struggle, of all the learning it fosters. for all the pain involved, it is indeed a very big priviledge to be an artist.

Alanna Risse said...

I'm really glad you have an awesome neighbor

angela simione said...

alanna, me too. i miss our class. always someone to talk with or make art nerd jokes with.