these texts are an archive of my life in the San Francisco Bay Area from march 2007 - march 2015. it stands as a record of close to a decade of my life, charting the struggles i faced as an artist, daughter, and lover. messy and chaotic at times, eloquent and poetic at others, these texts are an index i am proud of. it was here in this electric box that i learned how to be honest about my experiences and the person i needed to become. it was here that i first learned the truism that words make the world and how to trust such a beautiful, rife, hard fact.

thank you for meeting me here in such tall grass.


my artist website is here.

Apr 30, 2010

:)

oh, i am worn out. i'm very glad tomorrow is saturday and i can sleep in a bit.

after finishing the beast yesterday, i started priming another canvas of the same size. i've noticed that doing the grunt work, the prep work, keeps me hungry for the "real" work. the nuts and bolts of a practice are very important- the little things that keep you rolling forward. my shoulder muscle is sore and it feels good.

i haven't enjoyed such a big explosion of creativity in a long time it seems. but i guess (maybe) (possibly) i haven't been myself in a long time either... and these things are linked. chained. padlocked together.

for awhile there, i think i mistook the dreams other people held for me for the dreams i have for myself. i think i got really hung up on what other people expected or wanted and lost sight of what i want to do with my life and time. and i think that happened because for awhile there, the two sets of dreams lined up. they matched. and so i didn't notice right away that my dreams were trying to change. or maybe i did and i got sad about it, resisted it. the death of a dream can be a painful thing.

but it isn't a bad thing. hard, but not bad. and it's actually quite freeing to get to a place in life where trusting my instincts is the right thing to do. to have the ability to trust them is wonderful. a whole new way of seeing comes in to play and i begin to trust myself and trust the work in a deeper way. fearlessness breeds fearlessness. confidence breeds confidence. i feel better and better. i'm being myself. i'm opening up. i'm experiencing a tremendous wealth of new ideas, new interests. and this gives rise to new dreams. amended dreams. some dreams just needed a bit of a tweak and that's happening now.

and reading has been such a large part of that. reading widely, not just sticking to what i know. i actively search for new material, new ideas, contemporary authors and poets and bloggers. and writing every morning in my notebook. first thing. first cup of coffee and the pen in my hand. that practice has been going on for about 2 years now and it has made all the difference.

so today, i'll be mindful of these things. read and write and go jogging with my dog. the sun is up and the sky is dry. i'll do the grunt work and get a healthy sweat going and i will trust that all these things matter because they DO make my life so much better. and i won't worry about a damn thing.

happy friday. ;)

4 comments:

Alesa Warcan said...

Hey there! I missed a beat... erm.. I missed the beast!
But have caught up. Yikes, it reminds me of Pink Floyd's "The wall"... And Ginsberg's "howl". And three kinds of awesome.

From what you have been saying lately, it sounds like you've found/made a good place for yourself to be... mentally and physically. Congrats!

Have an awesome day.
(whistling "don't worry about a damn thing be happy")

John B-R said...

Angela, what you describe here will happen over and over, of course; artists have no ground beneath the feet. I'm glad your motto is "FORWARD!" As far as I can tell everything you produce is great.

angela simione said...

hi alesa, thanks! i do feel like i'm in a good place right now... feeling more and more confident, a greater and greater calm. it's nice. :) it feels good to not be overly concerned about the future or whether or not things line up easily. it's been great to just concentrate on images that captivate me and not get bogged down in the dreaded "what does it all mean?" thinking.

angela simione said...

hi john! nice to see you 'round my way! :D

yes, i'm learning that what you say is right: this will happen over and over again. i'm finally beginning to feel okay that "artists have no ground beneath the feet", accepting it as good rather than scary.

and thank you so much! i'm feeling very good about these new images- where they come from and where they could go. it's an exciting time! :)