i've been thinking about valentine's day.
i want to participate.
i've always wanted to participate in it but didn't or couldn't because of cultural mandates and expectations and blah blah blah. lame stuff like that. i don't eat candy and never really crave it. and i like roses but that's really not necessary.
i don't really want anything... except to honor my own values. from here on out, i'm going to make the holiday my own.
it's a topic i've been thinking about a lot for the last few months. pages and pages of notebook scribblings dedicated to VALUE- what it is, how to get it, and then, how to keep it. much easier to write about in your little notebook than find opportunities inside your daily life in which to express it. i realized yesterday that, as a teenager, my values were very much linked to ideas of justice and fairness. i was highly idealistic, yes, but i've always thought the world can benefit from a little idealism now and then. somewhere along the line during my huge 2-year long depression, i stopped thinking about justice and fairness in the correct way: that these things are mine to give... not mine to expect. and somehow this is linked to valentine's day in my mind this year. the need for some sort of heartfelt ritual. the need for at least a little bit of sentimentality and mushy appreciation for the good things in one's life. and having a day set aside for this when it's okay to get mushy and dote on things or people or projects is totally what i need right now. no apologies, no excuses, just a little bit of wholesome fun. anything that aids a person in discovering who they really are... who they were as a child and embracing that person again, i'm all for. sweetness, kindness, curiosity, playfulness... these are qualities to admire. they are qualities to pursue and hold on to. a code.
and so i spent the bulk of yesterday cutting out heart-shapes and drawing and trying to come up with an image that would hurt and haunt and cut but also spin and play and cry with joy. i'm still searching for it but i'm well on my way. i will participate.
there's a saying that goes, "fake it til you make it". basically, a game of pretend but not as horrible as that may sound. maybe "walk the talk" is a better expression.
when i think about the kind of person i want to be, why not just start behaving like that person. if i want to be the type of person who makes valentine's day cards, what am i waiting for? same thing goes for everything else. if i want to be a writer, i have to write. and write first, write long, write hard before i assume that title. i learn to paint by painting. i can learn patience by being patient. i can believe i have value if i practice value... if i manage to find the strength of character necessary to guard my own life and path and choice and goodness with every ounce of grace and resilience i've got.
i'm rambling but what i really want to say is that little by little i'm seeing how absolutely necessary it is to be myself. really, truly, unapologetically myself. because a person's true self does not need to be apologized for. i'm attempting to recover from the horrible things i threw at myself while i was locked down at the bottom of a very deep, dark well. the horrible things i told myself... the horrible things i believed.
cutting out heart-shapes helps.
"Do what you can, with what you have, where you are."
-Theodore Roosevelt
i want to participate.
8 comments:
When I worked in the factory I made huge lacy valentines every year, hearts with wings (Sufi) and wrote little poems for each person then I attached long pieces of yarn on them and people hung them up all over the place. I loved doing that. If I did it here I'd just annoy people. We have to be quiet here. The factory was noisy and we were always laughing and it made it easier to have fun.
Hurrah for hearts!
xo
YAY!!!!!! FUN!!!! do you still do it at least for yourself? i sure hope so!!!!
i'm planning on hanging a whole bunch up in the living room window. i already put a few strings of hearts up in the bedroom window. they make me think of frieda kahlo. and sylvia plath too- how she painted hearts on everything. the timing, in that respect, couln't be better. hearts all over the place in time for february 11th. and then for the 14th. i'm planning on leaving them up for the whole month... if not longer. :)
(pssst... there's one in your package too)
I've been feeling much of the same way this week. Spending a lot of time on the idea of walking the walk. We make progress by keeping that idea present in our minds. Cut away! And Happy V-day!
and isn't it such a chanllenge even keeping it in mind! aaah! but you are exactly right. i'm getting better at maintaining my focus in this though. much better. and i think you are doing an amazing job in that department. AND i need your address, friendly friend. i have a valentine for you. :)
You must make valentines.
I am dying to see what valentines you would create!
i think i found the image i want to make valentines with! moths! hahaha! pictures soon!!! :)
You can participate in your own way Angela, which you seem to be suggesting here.
It's good to hear that you are now beyond a terrible time that once swallowed you up for two years. It's the sensitivity of the artist in you I suspect that makes you prone to such suffering. Hopefully your work will keep you abreast of that pain in the future.
elisabeth, i sure hope so. though, in some ways, those dark moments can be used to polish the work. not that i enjoyed it at all. ;) i am trying to find the silver lining... a way of letting it make me a better person. i think those of us who fall down like this are possibly a bit more adept at gathering compassion for others... or CAN be, at least. i'm trying to figure out how to do that. valentine's day is a great opportunity.
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