being part of any lineage does not make you a copy-cat. it does not demand resignation either. is a child, though the product of her parents union and DNA, still not new? still not a package of potential? and as she grows, a unique collection of experiences and influences and fragments of beauty and torment and song and prayer? is this "collection" somehow false? i don't see how that could be possible. and being the next in a lineage of one's own choosing is a gorgeous thing. it feels right and that feeling needs to be clung too with everything you've got.
no theory will ever account for that original impulse you felt as a child to just simply play. to scoot around the paint and scribble on the wall and make yourself sick with too many cartwheels.
there is a value to theory. it gives us new lenses with which to view the world and i appreciate having them. but as i study, i come to see that asking for a reason, an explanation, an argument for why it's okay for me to spend my time making art is basically the same thing as asking me to supply an argument for why it's okay for me to attend to any of my needs.
do you mean it or not? art is not merely a picture on the wall. art is not merely letters on a page. it is an entire way of seeing. a mode of being. a way to LIVE. what works for me, what feels right to me isn't going to work for everyone and i'm getting to the point where i can finally except that. and so the proper breed of anger rises up- either except me for who i am or leave me alone. i promise to do the same for you.
i am an artist. it is who i am. i cannot stop being an artist any more than i can stop myself from taking this next breath. and this one. and this one. this is how it is and there is no explanation i owe. none. does a cat apologise for cleaning itself? does a dog apologize for kissing? why should i apologize for painting?
the fact some people feel the need to construct historical arguments for why it is OKAY to be an artist in this time and place and moment within history is not my burden. if it works for you, it works! if it leads you to deeper levels within your practice then it's good! i read the theory and i participate in the discussion but at the end of the day, for however thankful i am for my new lens, i wake up the next day and paint because it is how i live. asking me to stop is asking me to be someone else. if i stopped making art i would cease completely. i would become something other than what i am. this person who is here, now, would go away.
and adorno said "There is no poetry after Auschwitz"...
really? what about paul celan? what about charlotte delbo? fuck you adorno, you hater of humanity. you jaded freak. how dare you quantify horror. how dare you critique this witnessing. how dare you belittle the very true compassion that exists inside humanity to make sense of our station. do not trivialize it and claim that we are only capable of atrocity. i think adorno is a sad, scared, hateful child who looked for a reason to NOT engage with the world... to say that life is pointless and ugly and valueless. and honestly, that sort of pessimism is so easy to come by. it is a childish response to loss and confusion and it is common in the worst sense of the word.
i prefer charlotte delbo. i prefer her work, her poems and plays and her request, her poignant longing and despairing question "who will carry the word?" to survive the camps and then to be taken by cancer... goddamn my tears cannot come fast enough. i cry as i type because they, sometimes, are one in the same. and paul celan survived the camps and was so guilt ridden that he survived something that so many others did not. inexplicably survived. and this confusion, this weight, this tremendous guilt and suffering caused him to write and write and write and in the end when he could not come up with some satisfactory explanation for why it was okay that he survived, why it was okay that he made poetry, he threw himself in a river and left.
it is okay to make poems.
it is okay to survive.
sometimes, they are one in the same.
you can choose to go about your life in a way that feels right for you.
theory and knowledge and education are meant (in my opinion) to be used as tools to strengthen this resolve, this beautiful and flawless inborn logic. they are not meant to undo it. knowledge of the world should not be used to abandon compassion. opening your eyes to the pain of the world does not mean you must close your heart. it means the exact opposite.
theory gets me there sometimes. barthes and sontag... but also the philosphy of andy warhol and the journals of sylvia plath and the angry lyricism of patti smith and the deep regret of beethoven. alice's adventures underground and the beauty marc jacobs creates and even my dog snoring in her sleep. the smiles that come at the exact right time. the tears that well up, be it anger or despair, let them come! sensitivity is necessary to know where you are! at least it is for me. and i refuse to be jaded, to be pleasureless, to feel like i must make an argument for my needs, to become arrogant and divisive.
our differences are important but it is our common thread that will allow us to unravel the tangle set before us. it is the thing that will allow us to accept difference and to see it as the shining beauty it is.
(this might just be PART 1)
6 comments:
Sing it, girl. Can't wait for part 2.
rebecca
me neither! hahahaha! hopefully the next one will be even angrier! ha!
I'll pinch you if it will help.
xo
wv: Lomer. Like a retarded loner. That's me.
hahahaha! that's awesome! we can be Lomers together. ha!
the email i got from my other rebecca yesterday began "from one nerdy shut-in to another..." and it made me laugh so hard because it is entirely true!
though most people won't admit to it, pinching helps a great deal. :)
There's theory with a lower case 't' Angela and there's theory with the upper case 'T'. Yours here is most likely the former.
I was once wary of theory until one day my analyst suggested that theory is really only other people's ideas. Ever since then I've found theory far less intimidating.
The upper case stuff might be more intimidating but essentially it is just a set of other people's ideas and everyone's entitled to their own ideas. It helps when others agree or confirm the theory but often times people theorise alone. Sometimes it takes time for certain ideas to surface and gain approval, but still if we hold dear to our ideas, explore them put them to the test and keep an open mind about them and about other people's ideas then we will most likely grow in understanding. Thanks Angela. I look forward to part two.
oh no! did i come across as a THEORY hater? i may have to write part 2 a lot sooner than i was anticipating. and examine my original impulse for writing this post which is simple frustration... frustration over so many artists and writers using theory as an excuse to become heartless... or to laugh at emotional work, psychological work. it's a trend that seems to have spiked lately. and also my frustration with THEORY in general (in spite of being a believer in the importance of THEORY) that pushes for artists to make a logical, flawless argument for why the art IMPULSE is even relevent.
but i agree with you- it's all just ideas and why not explore as many as you can. this exploration doesn't necessarily lead to agreement though. i do think that THEORY needs to be built upon. it isn't available for us to hang our hat on and refuse to move forward which is something i see happening and i wanted maybe to encourage people to examine their own thoughts on THEORY and ask "what do YOU think, though?"
i think i'm being too vague. i will do better in part 2. :)
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