geez. the new year is flying by! and so i've begun the slowing down process... giving myself reminders to stay in the present, to really pay attention, to use each day toward good aims... to be aware of the wealth of opportunities that surround me (that surround us all), great and small, and to not scoff at any one of them; to proceed with grace and confidence...
one of my life-long problems has been of minimizing. my own pain as well as the good that i do. i was so shy as a child that anything, even wonderful things, that brought me extra attention was something i absolutely did not like. i hid my own talents for years. and now, spending time thinking about TIME, about mortality, i'm choosing... have been choosing... to not hide for one second. to live life as it comes to me: daily. "we are not promised tomorrow". that quote is the last line i write each morning in my journal. a memento mori. and to proceed with as much strength, grace, and confidence that i can.
it's so easy for us humans to forget our accomplishments... the hurdles we've lept over, the hardships we've overcome. and now i set out to let those hardships polish my goodness rather than compromise it. i do not believe that we are given talents and beauties to throw them in the trash.
it's okay to save some things for private experience. but that is not the same thing as hiding.
yesterday, i stocked up on my beloved black gouache. i bought BIG paper and new pencils and found a copy of "Alice's Adventures Underground" at the used bookstore... the edition kiki smith used for her print series. only 15 bucks so i couldn't resist.
my oils are hanging on the walls in varied states of finish. all whispering, all lovely and confident.
i am surrounded by bibles. these things, these objects, these marks on paper. art and its' tools. my many loves quicken my breath and my heart jumps and i am amazed and humbled and curious. there is deep deep deep play in my heart and shoulders and finger tips (rebecca). it is such a huge act of trust, of faith, of grace, of willingness to learn, to stumble, to find, to try.
i am eager.
i love everything.
4 comments:
wow, what a great post! Happy for you!
thanks, susan! happy february to you! i hope you're bundled up. my experience with a snow storm made me think of you. ;)
You have such a unique sensibility Angela, for one so young and your art work matches it.
I love hearing someone else give me and others permission not to hide. I agree 'we re not promised tomorrow'. We must live now.
thank you, elisabeth! i've been trying hard the past few years to find a way to illustrate my core values with my practice and i'm so happy to know that, at least some of the time, they shine through.
the need for permission is a strange thing, isn't it? i feel that way a lot sometimes and feel so refreshed when i get the "permission" i need. i'm working on honing my ability to give it to myself, without apology or explaination. it is hard work but totally worthwhile.
we must live now. yes. why is it such a hard thing to do? why do we (i) become so distracted? i am trying every day to pay attention and not lose my time to insecurity and doubt and silly aggrevations. also, a very hard job. but maybe in the TRYING, i get closer to truly living... to acquiring a fullness and a hopefullness...
if i lose myself in anything i want it to be in the wonder that exists all around us.
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