i've been thinking a lot lately about love. not in a flowery or sentimental way, more in a bare bones, 'what the eff is it' kind of way.
how do i express it? how do others? what are the things, specifically, that i love?
and the more i think about it, the more varied and fluctuating love seems to be. all sorts of different loves, different breeds of the thing depending on what or whom i aim the word at. the way love feels to me when i think of my family is very different from how i feel when i think of art. my loves sometimes even challenge one another. it doesn't seem to be a static thing.
still, i've been looking for the common denominator. the red thread. and it's forcing me down a strange network of ideas and in to some fairly uncomfortable places where i see it's time now to take a closer look at my values... to update them, tailor them to the life i'm leading now, the life i'm pursuing, rather than the life i once had. a re-examination of my motivations.
i'm no longer a child seeking approval and care. the resentments i sometimes feel over my childhood are running their course. i'm not as angry or as hurt as i once was. i'm learning that the past has importance, has a place... but it can't be allowed tyranny. it can't be allowed to become a dictator. the time has come to relieve these old ghosts of their power to haunt. it's time to translate my experiences in a beneficial, helpful way... not run from them, not hide them, not use them to get my way. use them, if i can, to be a better artist, a better human.
the maps i had 5 years ago no longer get me anywhere. the values i held 5 years ago, or even at the start of last year, have morphed... been polished or corroded by experience. they aren't the same and i need to look at them. i need to find out what they have become. who i've become while i was busy inside the daily grind.
art is a good barometer for these things. i can flip through the paintings i've made during the last 2 years and watch color drain out of my canvasses. the slow progression toward a clearer aesthetic. my own tastes taking dominance.
i can tell you that i love my paintings... i'm hopeful this might mean i've learned to love myself a bit.
6 comments:
It's good you love your paintings. It's important, otherwise the poor souls might not get the treatment and airplay they deserve.
How quickly our perspective alters, even on things like love. Good on you for reflecting on it. In another two years your view will no doubt have shifted further again.
hi elisabeth-
i hope so! in two years i hope to have a much firmer, much more eloquent and gentle and compassionate understanding of the thing. i hope, i hope, i hope. how young i still feel in that department! confused and unnerved. maybe everyone feels like that from time to time.
the paintings, the patience they require, DEMAND even, teaches me a better way to love (and live). as i work on them, wrestle with them, overcome my own desirous frustrations, they teach me how to love the world in a much better, deeper way.
art as "religion"?
definitely. ;)
Angela-
I think you can't help but benefit from that kind of deep assessment of your feelings. It is hard, necessary work that too often goes undone.
The symptom of neglecting it is a lot of wasted effort and struggle.
I was happy to read that you love your paintings.
I sure love them.
They so move me. They feel so deep and wonderful and very narrative and moody, all stuff I have a tremendous weakness for.
You are doing the work, woman. Don't doubt that for a second.
Wishing you all the best in the coming year.
yrs-
tearful
tearful!!!!! yay!!!!! so thankful to have you come round my way!
thank you so much for the encouragement to carry on with the emotional dig. it is very hard work... but GOOD work... and i know that the risk/pain/embarrassment will be worth it.
thank you for loving the paintings. (blushing!)
all my best to you as well! i think 2010 will be wonderful. :)
Ok, trying this again, sometimes my comments vanish or duplicate anyway:
Does it have to be one red thread? Maybe it is more of a tapestry of hues that in its pattern or element are love? Maybe it is the frame? More questions than answers...
hi marta! i'm glad for these questions. brain food! i have a very bad habit of being a black and white thinker- right, wrong, yes, no, this, that... and don't allow much room for they grey areas. sometimes, it's a good quality but i think you might be right... a taspestry rather than a single thread. it's a more inclusive way of thinking, more gentle, more able to deal compassion. :)
thank you for giving me a new idea to roll around with.
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