a decade ends... it's a biggun!

with the New Year coming up quick, i think it's time for us all to sing our own praises for a minute. it's a good time to reflect, for as ritualistic as it may seem (besides, i like rituals), and see how far we've come, the strides we've made, and the people we've become.

in spite of economic hardship and all the up-hill battles we've been faced with, there is goodness all around us. i want to hear your story, the lessons you've learned, and the things you hold dear. post a link in the comments section if you undertake this biggun. i want to know. and if you can make it through this lengthy post, here's mine:


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yesterday, i talked with my mom about how fast the last 5 years have went by... the entire decade actually. the 2000's are a bit of a blur. and if someone had told me, on the eve of 2000, where i'd be 10 years later i wouldn't have believed any of it. in spite of the hardships of the last two years (which seems to be a fairly universal complaint and not at all specific or individual to me), the decade itself has been pretty amazing. a time of flux and seemingly constant re-evaluation, hard work, and learning how to put blue jeans on my dreams. a time of learning and renewal, consideration, thoughtfulness, and determination.

10 years ago my biggest dream was to get out of my home town. i call it my home town only because, through all the moving, it's the place i kept ending back up. and each return to that place was sour, disappointing, heart-breaking even. it's one of those places where even the young people say "no one ever gets out" and tell you to your face that your aspirations are stupid. getting out was priority number one... the hardest one. and i knew that school would be my ticket out.

i took classes, in between holding 2 jobs, at the local community college for 7 long years, well beyond what it took to transfer to a university because the money was just simply not there. but i wanted to keep in practice with attending classes and doing homework and being dedicated. i knew when i turned 25, the policies of the financial aid department shifted in my favor. so i bided my time until then and decided i'd learn as much as i could and "bloom where i was planted". a bitter resignation at the time but well worth the wait. i showed in bars and co-ops and started building a little art community of my own. i worked my ass off and practiced patience... and looking back, the struggle to get to art-school made the experience of going so much more magical and important than it would've been had it come to me easily. i wouldn't have appreciated it had i gotten to go when i was 18 or 19 years old. and i wouldn't be making the work i'm making now.

learning how to work hard, how to keep trying in spite of the hardships you face and the mean jokes that get made, was the best lesson i've ever learned. and i've learned it so deeply that giving up is never an option. i don't even think that way. trying is a constant in my life. it is ingrained. nay-sayers don't do me any damage at this point at all. i tune them out and keep on moving.

learning how to shrug off the ill will of others and how to keep working in moments of doubt and chaos served me well once i finally got to my dream school. especially that first year of insanely hard critiques and working full time while carrying a full class load. i won't say there weren't moments when i was amazingly unsure of myself and deeply depressed and questioned my ability to even pull the whole thing off - there was - but i wasn't about to stop trying. i knew before i got to CCA that once i got there, the real work would begin. and it did. i'm so lucky that my sweetie and i had found each other by then and had already made the commitment to help each other through roughness and disappointment. he encouraged me and showcased faith in my abilities in moments when i needed it the most and, at times, seemed to believe in the value of art more than i did.

in my second year, i hit my stride and made another goal that seemed out of bounds and entirely idealistic- getting gallery representation prior to graduating. i wanted to walk in to a career as soon as i collected my degree. and so i worked on my portfolio to HANG for a solid year and a half and, finally, a month before i went in to my senior year, i sent it off in the mail with my fingers crossed and the knowledge that i'd done my very best.

and it worked. the day i signed my contract was one of the happiest, most awe-struck moments in my entire life.

and then everything went crazy in my private life. not between my sweetie and i, but within my family. and it stayed crazy all the way up until i graduated. so crazy that i'd let go of the goal of graduating with High Distinction or any honor at all... getting the piece of paper was all i wanted at that point.

the specifics aren't something i want to get in to publicly. let it be enough to know that tragedy was everywhere and two slipped disks on top of it. weeks missed from class and sickness and ambulances... insanity. no glitz. no glamour. and it was all i could do to keep my eyes on the finish line. i made up my mind to hold myself together until then... and then i could fall apart. i told myself to keep as dry an eye as i could and struggle through to the end, screw my GPA, just finish. finish and then lose my mind.

on graduation day, i showed up in my black gown and spike heels and learned i'd be receiving my degree with High Distinction. me. the girl who spent 7 years in community college, who graduated from a continuation school, who comes from a humble home in a hateful town. speechless. and not at all proud. humbled to the core. shocked, tearful, and amazed. the walk across the stage was as bitter-sweet as any walk could be.

i claimed my life as my own... and lost someone in the process. and that loss translated in to what ended up being a massive 2 year long depression that i could barely see through. cross the finish line and then lose my mind? pretty much.

and during those dark days, which i'm only recently surfacing from, came a great many wonders: inga, art shows, the Microsoft Collection, auctions and galas, a strengthened commitment between myself and my sweetie, moving to wine-country and learning how to appreciate the beauty of a natural landscape, The Almighty Jog, becoming tight with my brother again, stronger friendships, new friendships, reconciling my own definition of success against outside expectations, and picking back up the pen to write.

i'm amazed that i kept working during that time. i'm amazed the work was at all good. i'm amazed that the maid series came along and opportunities to show that work and get in out in the world presented itself. i'm amazed that, though my practice may have slowed, it remained good and fertile. maybe i didn't lose my mind after all?

today, with a lot of patient and painful work behind me, i feel gratitude for everything that has happened in my life. every single day of it. and i look forward to the New Year with the knowledge that there will be more patient and painful work... that tragedy will find me again, that it will find all of us... but that i will not create it in my life. i will not look toward the negative and hurtful, i choose to look at the beauty of my life instead. i choose to keep my eyes on the accomplishments, not the "failures", to see how far i've come and to learn from this wealth of experience. i choose to breathe gratitude rather than resentment. i choose to see the many blessings in my life rather than the hardships.

in the new year, i resolve to make the commitments i already have in my life at present deeper, healthier, more precious. health in all its forms- my body, my art practice, my relationships, even this blog. when i look at my daily life, i'm entirely amazed and absolutely astounded to have found myself in this time, this place.

during my slumber party with rebecca, we talked about New Year's Resolutions. she's the only other person i know who makes them too. and big on the list she'd made was "feel calm and accomplished". it's important to see the good. it's important to feel good about yourself... to give yourself that kind of permission... to like who you are. calm and accomplished. has a nice ring to it, don't you think? and i'm definitely going to shoot for that. to enjoy the beauty that exists in my daily life, to practice gratitude and humility, to truly appreciate the opportunities that have come my way and to work as diligently as i can to rise to the challenges and show due respect for the blessings that have found me.