morning love letter...

lately, i've been impressed with men. one man in particular-

he wakes up every morning at 5:15 and kisses my face and rubs me gently til i wake up too. he hops in the shower while i make the coffee and we talk about what dreams we had or the trash television of the night before. we use the same toothbrush, neither one of us seeing the point in owning two. i watch him get dressed and pack himself a lunch. i tell him which painting i plan to work on first.

a half hour later, he heads off to work. everyday, i watch the tail lights disappear out the driveway and feel sad. no matter how long we've been together, no matter how many times it happens, watching him leave, even just to go to work, is the hardest part of the day.

when he gets home he asks me how my day was and comes to look at the paintings. he hugs me and we plan dinner. he never complains about the mess in the kitchen. he never points out the laundry that i still haven't done. "just paint", he says. and he says it everyday.

and when i find myself in that horrible place of doubt and loneliness and confusion, and i give myself over to being neurotic and sad and defeated, he holds me and lets me cry for as long as it takes. he doesn't turn his back, he comes closer. he says he knows it's hard and unfair and unfamiliar. he recounts my accomplishments for me and holds them up like trophies and says "and no one thought you could do this but you did! so keep going".

he keeps his arms around me until i'm calm and my cheeks are dry.

sometimes it seems that he believes in me more than i do... that his faith in art is bigger than mine and that his belief in my abilities are seamless and complete and humongous. he extends his belief in me daily. he tells me that his responsibility in life is to make sure i've always got plenty of canvas and that everything will always be okay as long as that's the case. he reads my art magazines and learns the lingo. he goes with me to the openings. he laughs easily.

my appreciation of his goodness is too large to give name to. he inspires me to be better than i am... to toughen up, to be thankful, to slow down, to enjoy the world, to find a stillness that isn't lonely, to be in love as often as possible and then some; to work and struggle and believe. every morning while he kisses my face and rubs me gently, i know i have more luck than i deserve.

i love you endlessly, jared.